I was infiltrating the world of funerals [read Part 1 here], and my next stop was cremation.
Call me crazy, but I don't want this guy ushering me into the afterlife.
In my opinion, this would be a ridiculous way to go. Being burnt up like an overcooked marshmallow, placed in a jar, then put on a shelf with a bunch of dusty bowling trophies. But I call the Duggan/Welch Funeral Home anyway -- specialist in such matters since 1923.
I'm surprised to be immediately put on hold. I expected to hear some somber organ music while waiting; instead, it's a talk radio show with a commercial about life insurance. I'm on hold a long time; I guess it's a popular day to die.
With the segue from the radio, I expected the funeral director to have an FM Power Rock DJ voice: "Hey, you're the tenth caller! You've won a free embalming, right here on The Mourning Zoo!" Instead, he sounded more like my dull tenth grade Social Studies teacher, Mr. Mathews. I tell him I'm planning a funeral for my friend Corey Feldman.
"Were you interested in an open or closed casket service for your friend?"
"He was mauled by a bear. What would you recommend?"
"I'd suggest a closed casket!"
I one up him, and suggest a cremation. For $395 you get the Grand Cremation Package Deal. This involves removal of remains from the hospital, cremation charge, filing of permit, and a basic cremation container. The prices go up, depending on your choice of urn, which range from $55 generic sheet bronze urn, to $3,400 for a cast bronze urn with a statue on top of it!
This urn costs a bit more (licensing rights).
The model I'd like is a $450 wooden urn, with a laser carving of The Golden Gate Bridge. I imagine it looks like something you'd find in the back of a gift shop in Chinatown. I'm told you can also get your own design on this urn. I contemplate this. I guess I'd rather get some sort of wacky saying like:
"My Other Urn Is A Porsche"
"Dead Guy On Board"
or
"If You Can Read This, You're Too Close To My Dead Remains"
Mr. Mathews goes on to tell me for an extra $50 you can have the ashes scattered. This sounds appealing. It's always been a secret desire of mine to be cremated, then have my ashes thrown in the face of someone I hate.
"What about having the ashes scattered over water?" I ask with enthusiasm.
"Well, for the Bay, it's a $250 boat rental."
"No! No! I mean scattered in a pool!"
Mr. Mathews didn't recommend this.
Mr. Mathews pointed out he'd like the payment in full before the service. I guess you don't want a service of people with empty pockets, pointing at the casket saying, "I thought he was going to pay!" After all, this is still a business. For some people, death puts food on the table. And not just cannibals.
Next: Donating My Body to Science!
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