The Infiltrator: Dead Man Shopping, Part 4
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  2,232  7
03/15/2010 12:29 AM 1652 views
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I was shopping for my own funeral arrangements [read Part 1 here], and my last stop was the death option of choice for the rich and eccentric: cryogenic suspension.
Wouldn't it be fun to be frozen -- like Walt Disney? It'd be just like Stallone in Demolition Man. Immediately after death, you are placed in a big freezer like a Jello Pudding Pop. Your blood is drained and replaced with a type of coolant. Once they find a cure for what killed you, the thinking goes, you'll be defrosted like a giant Christmas ham.
Two of these have bodies; the other one is filled with chocolate milk.
Unfortunately, the drawbacks are:
1) All your loved ones will be dead in the future;
2) Everyone will mock you for not knowing how to operate a jet-pack.
Also: very expensive. The dues aren't bad: you must first join The American Cryonic Service at $378 per year. But then you must have a $150,000 life insurance policy to pay for your upkeep.
This is by far the most arrogant method of post-life activity. What these deadsters are saying is, "I'm so charming and witty in this century, I'll be far more charming and wittier in the next!" Chances are, people of the future will be so far advanced, that these megalomaniacs will only be able to find a new vocation as a circus sideshow oddity.
But this will be my solution to death -- I shall live on forever, or at least I'll die in the distant future. To prepare, I start packing some really warm clothes: sweaters and knit wool hats. I also email a cryobiology company in South Carolina to make a reservation. And then my cryo parade is rained upon.
"Can I be frozen and revived in time for the 3010 World Cup?" I ask them via e-mail.
"Even if, in our wildest dreams, this proved possible in the future," the cryobiologist replies, "the end result would be the preservation of a dead body, not the suspended animation of a person." In other words, all that money just goes to keeping your body from spoiling, like meat in the freezer. Hopefully they at least label you properly, because when I can't identify a leftover, I just throw it out.
Bah! It's beginning to look like death is out of the question for me right now. All these methods seem pretty unappetizing. There's just too much grave-time bureaucracy. Where's the simplicity of a burial at sea, or having your body dumped out of a blimp?
I know one day I'll have to face the Grim Reaper. Sure, I'll be able to stall some time by beating him in a few games of chess, but eventually he'll have his way. Then I'll have to carry out my own death option -- being stuffed. Yes, I will be placed in a living room for everyone to marvel at, or hang their coats and hats on. But right now, death is way out of my budget.
If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out The Infiltrator: Resume For Disaster, where Harmon Leon tries to get a job using ridiculous resumes.
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Funny
12 votes
3.8
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
03/15/2010 12:33 AM
I would love to just have my head stuffed, preferably in some kind of fierce pose, and have it hung above the mantle of a fishing lodge.
Great article series -- going live on the homepage today!
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0 votes
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cokebabies 1,375 13
03/15/2010 04:29 AM
For further proof that Cryogenics is the truly exciting way to go, just ask Ted Williams's family.
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0 votes
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Running with Scissors 3,504 12
03/15/2010 04:38 AM
I saw a low budget made for TV movie on this very subject once. This man was frozen and was thawed out a couple of hundred years later. Everything was fine except he did not have a soul!
As a result, he was very ill tempered and unhappy.
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0 votes
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Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/15/2010 12:12 PM
Come to New York City! We'll get you dead!
Who am I kidding? You can't even get a handjob in Times Square anymore.
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