Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/16/2010 08:23 AM

- I used to have a lot of respect for people in "olden times." They made their own butter, built their own fences, slaughtered their own pigs. Of course they did. What the Frost else did they have to do?

I have new-found respect for modern-man (and modern-woman) in that we get so much done with so many interruptions and noise and lights coming at us. Skin a moose? Sure, old timer, but can you do it while the TV is tuned to Family Guy, iTunes is playing Eat A Peach, you are updating your Facebook and LinkedIn profiles, emailing your sister from your Blackberry, fighting a dragon in Second Life, and trying to think of a caption for a picture of an anus with a snake coming out of it? Didn't think so, grandpa.


- I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I can't do modern stuff, but I also don't have any old-timey stuff to do. I don't have crops to raise, leather to tan, cows to milk, dolls to make out of corn stalks, wood to chop or Indians to shoot at.

It has given me time to consider, at close hand, how dependent we have become on the grid. My office has power, so I can get my Zug-fix at night; Clarke's is open so I can have some beers and listen to some crazy chick sing along to Axl Rose; and the local supermarket is open so I could buy some steaks, if I wanted to cook in the dark.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/16/2010 08:24 AM

- But what if the entire village lost power? The entire state? The entire east coast? And I don't mean just for a night or five. What if this happened for a month, two months? A year?

We'd all be Frosted. Well, except for maybe Chickens, who has land and foster kids to butcher and eat. And Whistler, who would probably join an army marching on Cleveland. And Millie, who I think would become like the Adrienne Barbeau character in Escape From New York.

But you? Me? We're screwed. How is Manhole going to make electronic marvels when the local Radio Shack is now the redoubt of Millie's new boyfriend? Who is going to buy powerwashers, or claymation videos (or frozen Slurpees, for that matter), or I.T. Help Desk services, or stand-up comedy routines (I'm looking at you, Zoltron. That striped shirt is gonna make you an easy target). And "Future Birchbark Purveyor" just doesn't make a catchy ZuG screen name.


The power outage has made me think. And I don't like it.

Zolton Go Bragh 87,649 31
03/16/2010 08:46 AM

Ah, but Dogs, with the grid powered down, there'll be no need for buying or selling any of those things you listed. The entire economic model will collapse, leaving us with a simpler, purer system of trading and bartering to distribute goods and services. We'll each get by based on a blend of courage, charisma, and offering something of unique value sought out by others.

So yes. We're totally screwed.

I figure it's either get sold as lunchmeat or learn to give really good handjobs down by the blacksmith shoppe. Still on the fence, frankly.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/16/2010 08:57 AM

There's surprisingly little in Cleveland worth looting.

Big Irish Priestess 58,196 29
03/16/2010 12:30 PM

I haven't felt that deep, spiritual throbbing since the first time I saw a picture of Salma Hayek.

You too?

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,959 36
03/16/2010 12:51 PM

Meh, I've played enough Fallout 3 to be able to handle myself in the post-apocalyptic wastelands.

I'm gonna cut my hair into a mohawk again and be a raider. w00t.

Big Irish Chance 171,220 14
03/16/2010 09:28 PM

Things Dogs is powerless from: Skanky underwear in the laundry hamper. Chews the crotch out of them every time!

Big Irish Undies 99,723 76
03/16/2010 09:42 PM

As long as I have a vagina, I will never be powerless.

Ravos, Ruiner of Jokes 62,361 20
03/16/2010 09:55 PM

I'll have plenty to barter with once I get some good looting in.

Big Irish Chance 171,220 14
03/16/2010 09:56 PM

Dogs said you looked pretty powerless when he was chewing your crotch off.

Just sayin.


Did she go there, you ask? Yes, yes she did.

Big Irish Undies 99,723 76 checks
03/16/2010 09:59 PM

My crotch is still intact.



Uh, that statement is not a challenge.

Big Irish Chance 171,220 14
03/16/2010 10:00 PM

My money is on Spicey...wait, what?

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/17/2010 12:24 AM

UPDATE

The good news: there are utility company trucks down at the end of the street.

The bad news: they are from Utah and Georgia and are just standing around, waiting for one of the local ConEd idiots to tell them what to do.


The Times had mentioned that utility crews from Pennsylvania and Ohio were going to be assistance the effort to get liberal, left-wing, baby-abortin', Glen Beck-hatin', marijuana-smokin' New Yorkers back onto the grid, but Utah? Did they drive that truck all the way from Utah? Rhode Island couldn't have gotten here sooner?

And Georgia. What is a utility crew from Georgia going to do? We've been off the crank-telephone for a couple of decades up here. We have power inside of the house, these days, Hector. And why do I hear banjo music?


I called our village manager yesterday to see if local officials could give me an update, or possibly even take steps to speed up the process. Our local politicians are so inefficient and powerless, that their call prompted ConEd to delay the repairs another 3 days. On the other hand, the $300,000 bridge they had built over a small streamlet (you did have to increase your stride just enough to step over it that you might have spilled your coffee) is still standing.

Small Swedish Pram 78,176 40
03/17/2010 12:33 AM

What the Frost else did they have to do?

They all took turns crapping in a barrel. Then when they were done, they would nail the lid on and roll it out to sea. Kind of like the whole magic lamp thing, but with a Shakespeare genie.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,324 11
03/17/2010 12:42 AM

I think that all the movies that I watch should be all I need to survive the Zombiepocalypse. Of course I really have to work on the cardio, but I have the catch phrases down.

"It's time to nut up or shut up"
"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun"
"Say hello to my little friend!"
"It's in the hole|"

I think I'll be fine.

Madame KChiki 124,281 89
03/17/2010 12:59 AM

I'm confused. How far is your office from your house?

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/17/2010 07:59 AM

About 2 miles. Why?

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/17/2010 08:01 AM

They all took turns crapping in a barrel

Pram, your post makes no sense whatsoever.



So, Well Done!

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/17/2010 12:08 PM

We have power again. Not official power. Personal power.

Under a severe, SEVERE, windstorm last Saturday, trees got ripped out of the ground, big ones, by the roots, and took out cable and transformers. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. No power.

Today, for the first time, we saw utility trucks. From Ohio. And the guys working were from Utah and Georgia. In the morning, the Utah guy admitted he didn't know much - he was waiting for someone local to manage it, tell them what to do.

In the afternoon, I saw that they were...well, if not working, at least standing around more workingly. I bought some orange juice, water, and cookies and gave them to one of the guys, saying, This is a bribe. Anything happening? We figured out mathematically that our house would not be lit up that day. Maybe tomorrow. Can't promise anything. Maybe Friday.

My buddy Johnny Lucky called me today, and said, You need a generator? Sure. Picked it up. Hauled it up the front steps. Put some petroleum spirits into the gas. Spent about 129 seconds reading the directions (1- Don't light yourself on fire; 2- Unplug everything; 3- Check gas and oil; 4- open the stopColeridge; 5- choke it; 6- yank it; 7- let it warm up for five minutes), yanked the corded for about another 129 seconds and it started up.

It's a little loud. I'm not gong to leave it on all night - I think it would probably run out of gas over night, and I don't want to turn it off now to refuel it.

We appear to be the very last ones to be picked in the kickball game; as they slowly winnow down the remaining customers with no power, we still dangle at the end of the chain. I should get some wind turbines.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/18/2010 12:26 AM

Since I know everyone is breathlessly awaiting updates, here's one:

One of my neighbors came to my door last night at 11:30 p.m. and told me he couldn't sleep because the generator was so loud. It really was.

I felt all sheepish, and was all, I didn't really know it was that loud, I thought it would be less loud farther away, my dog ate my electricity.

So, I turned it off and had to masturbate by firelight.

Green Jeen 43,386 49
03/18/2010 04:27 AM

It took me 2 days just to read all your posts, Dogs - but hope that you are able to get back on the grid soon. Wow.