Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/16/2010 11:30 AM

Goddamn it.

Alarm Clock 6,348 4
03/16/2010 11:48 AM

An arrow (feathers out) in the end of a high speed drill is fun, but will remove hair in massive chunks.

McDasypygal-uncorked 14,811 17
03/16/2010 11:49 AM

dasypygal-unwaxed 5,331 6
01/06/2010 05:35 PM
I hate my skin drying out too.

But my husband hates this most: I can't shave. That's right, when the temperature drops below 75f I can't shave because I get HUGE goosebumps and end up committing 'hairy kari' in the tub.

So he is currently stuck next to a person with two ice bricks for feet, two cacti for legs, and Smokey the Bear trapped in my panties with fur poking out.

However, in this chill his pecker looks like a button on a fur coat.

So we're even.

Millie 116,988 28
03/16/2010 12:02 PM

My brother makes some comment about gross porn on the internet.

My brother's girlfriend: I can't believe the disgusting things on the internet! We were doing a search for a bathtub for the new bathroom and---

Me: Tubgirl?

She: Oh my God! How did you know? Billy (to my brother), Becky knows about "Tubgirl"! Seriously, how do you know?

After seeing the look of horror on her face, I didn't bother to explain and just changed the subject.

Here's the thread.

Sin an méid a dúirt sí 27,416 24
03/16/2010 12:05 PM

This picture just beat The Kegal Poop as my funniest post:

Linky

Big Irish Priestess 58,981 29
03/16/2010 12:12 PM

From the sick mind of Oliver Chest:

"How many dead babies can you fit in the glove box of your car?

Ask Ford"

Big Irish Priestess 58,981 29
03/16/2010 12:12 PM

linky

The Mailman 176,467 56
03/16/2010 12:15 PM

My funniest post is when I photoshopped a picture of Erika drinking from a beer funnel. Everybody was talking about about photoshopping a picture of Trixxie's penis in her mouth, but I did not have a picture of Trixxie's penis handy I'm a classy dude.

Before:


After:


Link to thread

Millie 116,988 28
03/16/2010 12:18 PM

Last night, I was using the self-service checkout at the grocery store. I was buying a bunch of stuff and had two small pies from the bakery dept. They were from this place and are very tasty--banana cream and apple-blueberry crumb.

They were the last two things in my basket and they wouldn't scan. I pressed the assistance button and the girl came over. She ran them over the little windows and it wouldn't beep.

She said, "I can't scan these without a hand-scanner--just take them." I did.

When I got to Daisypie's house, I told him, and he said I stole them. I said, no, she stole them and gave them to me.

They tasted really good. I don't feel guilty.


The whole thread is funny.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/16/2010 12:18 PM

When I was 3 or 4 I was helping my mommy in the kitchen like any little girl would. I was carrying a pan of not yet solid cherry jello to the refrigerator when it tipped out of my little hands. My mom yelled for my dad to grab the gun and come quick.

At this point I was reasonably fearful for my life. Instead of shooting me my mom had my dad lay down with his head in the spilled jello liquid, holding the gun like he'd just offed himself.

It's a picture my family is proud of to this day.
Linky

Little Irish Midgets 96,151 48
03/16/2010 12:23 PM

I still don't think my funniest was all that funny.

Linky

Fratberry 283,051 53
03/16/2010 12:25 PM

"Look, don't make this any harder than it is."

Big Irish Priestess 58,981 29
03/16/2010 12:25 PM

Also:

This is the best Snickers ever-coated with the sweet tears of a stranger.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/16/2010 12:48 PM

It's amazing how many of you can't read/are retarded.

Thud 68,525 19
03/16/2010 12:53 PM

Large knife.
2 cups boiling water.
2 4x4 sterile gauze pads.
cellphone.

First, put down the knife, you could hurt yourself. Place one gauze pad over each eye. Pour boiling water over your head. Use cellphone to call 911.

When you are in the hospital getting skin grafts, ask them to look at the boil for you.

Millie 116,988 28
03/16/2010 01:01 PM

It is really amazing, Taco? I mean, come on, look what we're working with here!

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/16/2010 01:03 PM

Meh. Touche'.

(I Frost-ing hate having to use an apostrophe instead of an actual accented letter)

The Mailman 176,467 56
03/16/2010 01:37 PM

- Access to Z-U-G.com : free
- Reading your father's posts on Z-U-G.com : free
- Posting on Z-U-G.com : free
- Telling your dad to "STFU n00b!" : priceless

Future Druggist 2,533 11
03/16/2010 01:53 PM

Future Druggist 624 6
03/02/2010 01:34 PM

It's March.



There is funnier ones, this one just seemed the most random taken out of context.

McDasypygal-uncorked 14,811 17
03/16/2010 01:55 PM

It's amazing how many of you can't read/are retarded.


Funny story. Useless without pics.


(Time to go visit Mom and the family album; steal pics, scan them and viola! clickies.)

McDasypygal-uncorked 14,811 17 checks appointment book
03/16/2010 02:40 PM

Future Druggist 624 6
03/02/2010 01:34 PM

It's March.


Don't worry dear, May is just around the corner.


I'm sure it will be hilarious by June.

*smoochies*

Filly - waxed 39,193 20
03/16/2010 02:46 PM

My first two are bashing Hammerhead, but this one's funnier, in my opinion.

Pansy. Learn to swallow, like a real man!

Frogpop 173,153 25
03/16/2010 04:03 PM

In your profile there's a section titled "funniest posts" and your five all-time high-orb earning posts. Post one (or more) of them here TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT

You know where you can read people's funniest posts totally out of context? Their profiles! It's awesome!

notsoBig Irish Phla 131,068 34
03/16/2010 04:44 PM

EVERYTHING I lamp post is out of context. Stop sign.

notsoBig Irish Phla 131,068 34
03/16/2010 04:50 PM

Let's go to the Gap and buy underpants.

Chit 178,781 15
03/16/2010 05:08 PM

Daisy, I didn't say what kind of grease, now did I?


Let me guess... Tranny Fluid ?



I still can't expect anyone new to understand the humor here. You would have to know a little something about the Ex-Gabber....Werehampsta

Anyone care to fill in the n00bs on the mysteries of Mr./Mrs. Werehampsta.



http://www.zug.com/live/71794/You-Guys-Make-Like-Heloise.html#1594734

Big Irish Undies 101,398 77
03/16/2010 09:48 PM

My sister & I used to tell our little brother that he was a robot, and that we could shut him on and off whenever we'd like. He'd always call us liars and run off.

One afternoon, we told him we could PROVE it. We pulled up his shirt and poked him in the back with a fork. We then said, "you've been shut off all morning." He shook his head, but my father walked in, home from work 5 hours early. My brother was too little to read a clock, but he knew our dad only came home just before dinner and we hadn't even had lunch yet.

Oh how my brother cried and cried! My sister and I were grounded for a week, but it was definitely worth it.

Stupid Kid Thoughts

My funniest post though, isn't funny. It's me saying "Uh, thanks Phuc." The thread is pretty good though.

Most Modest GABber: Underwhere

Big Irish Chance 171,275 14
03/16/2010 09:50 PM

My funniest post is when I rewrote a story posted by the hog CG, thread titled "Hoggin" go figure.

One night, I was at Bodo's, in Myrtle Beach.

I was sitting at the bar alone, cause I'm pathetic like that. Anways...after about 5 shots of whiskey.....

IT approached me.

He was no prize, unless you count the blue ribbon pig winner at the state fair, but he definitely passed for the "I'd let him eat my puss" stage.

Well he came over and introduced himself, I told him my name was Donna. I Definately wasn't telling someone who called themselves Mufftaur my name. Anyways he asked me to go back to his place, I hesitated, but I did.

I'm not trying to insinuate that I am desperate, hell I'd probably still be sitting there on the barstool, but apparently he had some kind of charm...just ask Trae.

So, we get back to his place, and we begin to go at it. I let him take me from behind cause i doubt, if I had to look at him, I'd get off. I farted a few times so he would hurry up and finish.

So there we are naked and going at it like two Rhinos in heat and someone walks through the front door. He goes to check who it is, and I climbed out his window. I could imagine a weirdo like him locking me in a well telling me "It rubs the lotion on its skin." Yeah, not me, no Frost-ing way.

Anyway, thank God I haven't seen him since...that would be embarrasing.
Link

Ravos, Ruiner of Jokes 63,472 21
03/16/2010 10:04 PM

The Bulldozer: While doing a girl doggystyle, knocking her arms out from under her, then pushing her into as many things as you can while making bull-dozer noises.

Green Penguin 485 11
03/16/2010 10:24 PM

I don't have a "funniest posts" section you insensitive clod! I just have the "latest posts" and the "least boring posts" sections to choose from in my profile.

My out-of-context post:

She has a nice smile.

That's how she lures you in close enough to eat you.*

*Useless without pictures, yet I will be damned if I want to subject my eyes to that sight again.

MungChamp 35,891 35
03/16/2010 10:49 PM

Let's face it: If I weren't married I would be all over that Shakespeare!

Seriously, like a disgruntled immigrant in Binghamton, I would set my sights on some bitches, block them in and just unload all over the place.

Madame KChiki 128,446 98 holds one hand at stomach-level.
03/16/2010 10:53 PM

I've had it up to here with Midgets.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
03/16/2010 11:45 PM

Yeah, stay the Frost away from that Lobster chick she's Frost-ing psyco.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,330 11
03/16/2010 11:58 PM

My all time funniest post is about when I lied about Shakespeare-ing my pants to save my Shakespearety job. That's too long to post here, so I offer the following:

Shakespeare, I've already worked 4 times today. I'm starting to chafe.

Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
03/17/2010 12:33 AM

I had 5 bowls of Fruit & Fiber this morning.



Consequently, two of my poops involved Post.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
03/17/2010 12:46 AM

I just realized that I only can be funny "Making fun of Lobster". Three out of my top five are doing just that.



The one that is about to become 5th place is here.



Is that considered stalking?

Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42 re-enacts the call
03/17/2010 12:50 AM

I was booty called last night.

*ring, ring*

Skippy: "Hello?"

Caller: "BOOTY!!!"

*click*

Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42
03/17/2010 12:52 AM

I seem to have inherited a linking curse.

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,330 11
03/17/2010 12:54 AM

Coincidentally (or maybe not), two of my funniest are about poop too and another is about masturbating. I think I'm finally starting to figure out what makes you all laugh.

The 2nd one is:

"My first apartment didn't have any dedicated parking and I had to park quite far away one night. I had gotten some car stereo equipment that day and was installing it. My wife (girlfriend at the time) was out there to watch when she had to answer nature's call. She gets all the way accross the parking lot and up 3 flights of stairs to the door to realize it's locked and I have the keys in the car. She hurries back and gets them from me, and is gone for about 20 minutes. I though she had a really bad BM. The truth was much funnier...

During her 2nd trek across the parking lot she Shakespeare her pants and then had to tiptoe the rest of the way. When she got in the dog was up her ass trying to find where that delicious smell was coming from. She ended up having to take a bath and soak her undies and pants and socks (yes it dripped down that far. This prompted me to call her Princess Pammy Poopy Pants (bonus points for alliteration).

God I hope she never finds out about this site. I am going to be in so much Frost-ing trouble."

Link

Sin an méid a dúirt sí 27,416 24
03/17/2010 12:55 AM

Who here remembers good old Skippy?

Probably only the few who know the secrets of Werehampsta.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/17/2010 12:58 AM

Back like, 10 years ago my brother (who was 6 at the time) got hit by a car and bounced off the pavement (he's fine now). The old lady who hit him had a mild stroke.



What? I thought it was pretty goddamn funny.

Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42
03/17/2010 01:03 AM

Can I tape my dick to your forehead?

I will never forget Taco's reaction to this;

Seriously. I 4 orbed that, and was shocked after I looked at who posted it.
Yes Pram, I orb before I look at the poster, so stick it up your ass.

That was the first time I've ever stuck anything up my ass!

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/17/2010 01:04 AM

Awesome.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
03/17/2010 01:17 AM

My funniest post wasn't really a funny post. It just got a lot of orbs because I was showing my dirty pillows. And my posts that are actually funny can't be taken out of context - they're not comments made a in a thread. They're all just from threads that I started. However, I hate to be left out of a thread so I'll go ahead and play along.

But it looks like I'll have to do it in another post because the story and this post together are too long to post

TableTopJane 173,958 15
03/17/2010 01:18 AM

"Hey, one day they're going to give her a fake arm, and it's going to be more powerful than your arm. Too bad they can't replace your face or give you a normal brain."



My head pops into the tube where they are just as she finishes saying this. I look at them, and my daughter has a look on her face that actually made me a little scared that she was going to hit the kid. And then I look at him. He's not making any noises, but there are silent tears running down his face. I grab my daughter and start down, and he starts yelling for his mom.



I finally get the 4 year old to the bottom, and step out to find the boy's mom at the bottom. She looks at me and says "I hope you're going to punish her. She didn't need to be so mean to him. He's just a little boy! He didn't mean any harm."



I tell her that I hope she punishes her child, because there was no need for him to be such a brat. I suggested she explain to him that some people are different before he makes an ass of himself the first time he sees a black man. I assured her that I was going to give my daughter exactly what she deserved. I turned around to take my oldest daughter's hand and said "Come on, (insert name of oldest daughter). I'm going to get you that sundae you wanted. I think you earned it".



I've also told me daughter that I'm so proud of her for defending her sister that, tonight, I'm not going to make her sleep in the closet.

Linky.

Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42
03/17/2010 01:25 AM

I answered one of those today.

The girl's profile went something like,

"Why you should get to know me: "I am brave, except when it comes to spiders"

I wrote,

"Hello, I am a giant spider."

linky, linky, it's fun for a girl and a boy!.

Little Scottish Ravos 63,472 21
03/17/2010 01:40 AM

Comedy. Site.

Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42
03/17/2010 02:06 AM

I heard he got plastic surgery to look like a little boy and mollested himself to death.

HEE-hee!

Big Irish Manhole 21,658 29
03/17/2010 02:18 AM

I once asked a Budweiser executive for help in developing my own brand of beer.

No response as of yet.

My try at a comedy site.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
03/17/2010 03:20 AM

Thunderballsberry?

linky

Gonzo 20,522 17
03/17/2010 03:39 AM

Somehow, this one is lost from my Funniest, but it's one of my all time favorite:

"Optimus Prime for Vagisil."

dinesh 24,862 16
03/17/2010 03:39 AM

my two faves from the 5:

yes, a present is guaranteed!*

*present not guaranteed.

and

i'm 34 and i date pictures of girls who are guaranteed by law to be at least 18.

Shell O'Belle 77,143 25
03/17/2010 04:03 AM

One of mine is from a thread a couple of years back when Blaise was asking for suggestions for a new name:


Well, I tried taking the letters of your current name and rearranging them to make a new name for you.

Here is what I came up with:

I Smell Labia


I'm too lazy to link it.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/17/2010 04:12 AM

What ever happened to Blaise?

Kiss me I'm Cyco Irish 11,330 11
03/17/2010 04:14 AM

Here you go Shell. Please to not be killing the Cyco now?

Big Irish Chickens 286,642 61
03/17/2010 04:32 AM

Ok here goes...

I was booty called last night. After it was all said and done she remarked "Wow, that was the best sexy I've ever had... well at least in the last 2 years." I think I'll start another desperate "story" about how females want me in an attempt to deflect the avalanche of evidence that I smoke pole.


discuss.

Not one of my top five but I always get the love when I slam someone.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannotacosaurus 61,976 36
03/17/2010 05:30 AM

I just did some Live sleuthing and realized BillSalamie is Blaise. Holy. Frostnuggets.

Madame KChiki 128,446 98
03/17/2010 05:32 AM

You didn't know that, Taco?

To quote Nelson, "Ha ha!"

Seriously though, I think he changed it to throw his employer off his trail or something because he was GABbing at work.

Big Irish Straw 98,023 37
03/17/2010 06:11 AM

I find it interesting that a couple of news reports refer to it as a freak accident. This is Steve Irwin. A freak accident for him would have been if he had died choking on a nacho.

Zolton Go Bragh 88,214 34
03/17/2010 06:20 AM

I think I'd like my epitath to be an excerpt from one of the posts on my list:

"The safeword is 'colostomy'."

Yup. That'd look real purdy in foot-tall granite.

Big Irish Jeeni (it's a trend!) 47,815 51
03/17/2010 06:58 AM

It appears my first post is my funniest. As soon as my latest post = my funniest post, I will leave.

Big Irish Jeeni (it's a trend!) 47,815 51
03/17/2010 07:26 AM

p.s. I often peruse people's profiles for their funniest posts. Some of these are no surprise because I make a habit of trying to find stuff to make me laugh!

Future Druggist 2,533 11
03/17/2010 09:41 AM

McDasypygal-uncorked 5,404 6 checks appointment book
03/16/2010 11:40 PM




Future Druggist 624 6
03/02/2010 01:34 PM

It's March.


Don't worry dear, May is just around the corner.


I'm sure it will be hilarious by June.

*smoochies*




Does she....Does she hate me or really really like me?

Big Irish Jeeni (it's a trend!) 47,815 51
03/17/2010 11:46 AM

I don't know FD but it sounded pretty mean, didn't it?

Fratberry 283,051 53
03/17/2010 12:47 PM

The genius that was Bankey:

"It's true. He e-mailed me a picture of his thyroid and it's just sitting there, playing x-box and eating an apple fritter."

Still one of the funniest threads ever, unfortunate as that may be.

Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 18,572 33
03/17/2010 12:49 PM

I built an extravagant house on The Sims2, moved a wealthy, successful family into it, and then I set it on fire, killing everyone inside.

And yes, Bill, it is weird that most of your posts involve me.

notsoBig Irish Phla 131,068 34
03/17/2010 01:08 PM

This one will always be my favorite...

My Ass : A Report

by Phla M.

I can't see it. Every time I turn around, it is gone.
The End

Millie 116,988 28 kisses Spicey
03/17/2010 01:21 PM

Thank you!


That post is my oldest funniest post and I think it only got there thanks to Briham, who did some weird trick and made everyone who clicked in his post give my post clickies or something.

Here's the thread.


p.s. Undies, I don't want to hear any bitchin' from you--Spicey was a free man back then!

Earl Harbinger 404 9
03/17/2010 03:11 PM

Pram:

You've always been sick; now you're ill.