The St Patrick's Day Drinking Experiment Part 5: Making Green Drinks
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,193  112
03/16/2010 02:44 PM 1685 views
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I'm IriShakespeare's St. Patrick's Day, and for the first time ever, I'm drinking all the green garbage. I opened up hostilities on color-coding countries (Part 1), drank everything straight from the bottle (Part 2), shook things up with cocktails (Part 3 and Part 4), but now it's time for the final test: green beer.
I'd like to do a quick thought experiment. I know Einstein normally used this kind of thing for special relativity, but this is just as important. If you were a bartender and knew that any swill you tainted with food dye would sell, would you use the good stuff? Or would you use the bottom-of-the-broken-barrel cheapness you couldn't sell any other way? The stuff where, even if people get sick, they'll blame the fact they had seventeen pints instead of the pints themselves?
As Irish As: being punched in the face. It does happen in Ireland, but it's not really Irish, other countries do it more, and we don't do it to people we like.
Hope that clears things up.
Another understanding aid: here's everything that makes green beer green.
Here's a comparison from earlier:
So no, no, NO, my religious convictions will NOT let me make green beer -- but I will make green everything else!
Green Water
Yep, that's turning green all right. It also looks like it may be reforming into something we need to call the Ghostbusters about.
As Irish As: anything with green food coloring is automatically as Irish as the sea south of New Zealand (this antipodal map may help for the atlas-inept), but the green water gets a gimme by not actually ruining something useful like beer.
Green Milk
A disaster of a drink, the green dye sits on top exactly like a mold and infection. The milk also keeps all the dye in one place, where you can experience the taste it isn't supposed to have. Stirring removes these problems and leads you to the dull lands of "It's green milk, what did you expect?"
As Irish As: Milk, and since we do have a lot of cows that's not too bad.
Green Coffee
Irish coffee is another disaster we've been blamed for, adding whiskey to coffee in an extremely effective way of destroying both drinks. Could green coffee be any worse?
You already know the answer, don't you?
That looks like a vortex of despair. I didn't even stir -- it started doing the vortex thing by itself.
The result was the exact shade of 80s toxic sludge.
If Steven Segal saw me with that, he'd slowly karate me to death before I could pour it into the wildlife reserve. And after drinking some, I'd let him.
While the faint chemical nastiness is almost covered by the coffee, the sheer psychological reaction to the color isn't. It feels like drinking poisonous tar, and is possibly the only substance which would make me drink another Sour Apple Martini instead.
As Irish As: A plastic leprechaun that's been in a fire -- it was a bad idea to begin with and the horrible things it's been through only made it worse.
So there you have it! Not a single green drink in existence is actually Irish, and the most Irish drink I found isn't green. So slinte, enjoy yourselves, and steer clear of the chlorophyll this St. Paddy's Day!
If you enjoyed this feature, you should check out The Chicken Wing Suicide Experiments, where the author tries the hottest wings he can find.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.0
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
03/18/2010 03:32 AM
ShamWOW!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/18/2010 03:38 AM
John really is just calling it in these days.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Cyco Christ died so you can sin 11,330 11
03/18/2010 04:15 AM
I'm anxiously awaiting Part 6: "Holy Shakespeare, I looks like a Leprachaun crapped in my toilet"
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0 votes
0.0
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Earl Harbinger 404 9
03/18/2010 04:55 AM
Did drinking all that food coloring make your pee green?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Small Swedish Pram 80,728 42
03/18/2010 06:16 AM
Holy Shakespeare, I looks like a Leprachaun crapped in my toilet"
I'd like to see "holy Shakespeare, it looks like I crapped a Leprachaun in my toilet!"
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Bean 8,607 19
03/19/2010 03:01 AM
My 18 month old loves yogurt. We usually buy the smaller "kids" yogurts made of bright colors and exciting sounding flavors. One of them is BLUE yogurt mixed with red yogurt. Whenever she has had blue yogurt, the next day's solid diaper contents are inevitably green. Green like grass. Shockingly non-poop colored green. I did not, however, feed her blue yogurt the day before St. Patrick's day.
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0 votes
0.0
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0 to speeding ticket in a very short time 201 7
03/19/2010 09:22 AM
This article actually inspired me. I'm on a trip in Prague, and just came back from Rocky O'Reilly's and of course, the place was full of green stuff & four leaf pepperworts..
Only drank a Guinness though.
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