As an actual Irishman, I've never poisoned myself with green drinks, but since I moved to North America they're everywhere at this time of year. So in honor of the anniversary of an English person who invaded my country and helped to ban sex through religion (see Part 1), I'm having every green drink I can find!
Before heading out, I decided to see what greenery you could get in a bottle. Luckily the life of a freelance writer has left me uniquely equipped for this very task:
My home life, aka "Everything I ever wanted in one picture."
I went through the shelves and grabbed everything green.
Going green.
Sour Puss Apple
Sour Puss looks like watered-down kryptonite and has all the flavor you'd expect from diluted fictional poison. It's intended to be used in cocktails, but at 15% ABV you'd need to mix it with moonshine to make it worth your while, and maybe (only maybe) reduce the awful taste. It's like a dehydrated battery went for a piss -- slightly thick, burningly spiky, and horrible.
As Irish As: being stabbed by a Yakuza with one arm. It's extremely sharp, it's missing something very important to doing its job properly, and it's definitely not Irish.
Melon Liqueur
Even greener than Sour Puss, and possibly greener than #00FF00, Melon Liqueur looks like it should be swishing around in a movie scientist's vial -- preferably after she starts to search for a cure, but before the rugged action hero staggers in with the Omega Serum. Tropical sugary sweetness that was never intended to be drunk alone -- much like anyone actually drinking it.
As Irish As:
For reference, here's Ireland.
Creme de Menthe
Liquid can't get any greener than this without being a super-spinach serum designed to help Popeye beat Superman. Taste-wise it's toothpaste, and not something you could drink unless you wanted to seduce your dentist by getting them drunk on the fumes. But then your sex life would involve those horrible scrapey hooky things.
As Irish As: toothpaste. In any comparison, drinking straight Creme de Menthe will always have the answer of "toothpaste."
Green Chartreuse
With a name like that, it's about as Irish as a Tiger tank -- certainly not from our country, but at 55% ABV it isn't messing around. Its French roots are revealed in its claims of medicinal benefits: the green comes from the chlorophyll of over 130 plants, and it's based on a recipe for a long-life elixir. If you have a 110-proof drink, and still need new excuses to drink it, you're not Irish.
Like all "medicinal" drinks, it tastes foul. It hits your face like it's been designed to clear your nose, assuming you've been snorting paint. They actually grow the weeds in a monastery with an herb garden, so while they taste nicer than ordinary weeds, it's still a hedge dissolved in acetone.
As Irish As: the product of a French monastery.
Redbreast
Redbreast pure pot still whiskey is made by one of only two remaining pure pot still distilleries that survived Prohibition. While single malt only involves malted barley, a pure pot still combines malted and unmalted grain, leading to an astonishingly smooth drink. It benefits enormously from a single drop of water, opening up the dynamics on the tongue, and the warmth of the whiskey in a creamy texture with overtones of turf (that's "peat" to you Yanks).
As Irish As: an authentic Irish whiskey, distilled with a uniquely Irish technique, in Ireland, and it's disqualified from this competition for not being green (it's brown in a green bottle). I hope you can detect the subtle point I'm making here.
Now it was time to shake things up -- literally.
Please continue to Part 3: The Green Cocktail Taste Test!
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