notsoBig Irish Phla 130,632 34
03/20/2010 01:39 AM

My neighbors upstairs are training for the world's first midnight ski boot tap dance competition. They're going to be very good.

Lucky Charms 171,220 14
03/20/2010 02:14 AM

My neighbors next door either are constantly moving furniture at night, have a UFC fighting championship held in their home or secretly training to be NBA stars and throw basketballs against my bedroom wall. I havent figured it out yet.....but I will, oh yes I will.

Lucky Charms 171,220 14
03/20/2010 02:24 AM

Oh yes, and my ideal neighbor would live a few acres away and not be able to get through my security fence.

Slurpy Sammich ! 772 9
03/20/2010 02:43 AM

I forgot to mention the neighbors upstairs,there are two kids who are learning the cello and violin .And at the most God forsaken hours they start playing them and from then on it is 'banshee wailing hours' arghhhhhhhhhhh!

Hydrant-monkey 9,447 21
03/20/2010 02:43 AM

Neighbors on the right (my right, your left) are living off the fruits of their parents and are Texans. They also have dogs that they leave outside to bark ALL DAY.

My neighbors on the left (again, your right) are an old retired couple who have lived in the house since it was new in '71. They are watchers. Anytime I go outside, people come over, etc., they are at the window watching. I guess it's good in one sense as I probably won't be burgled, but it is a little creepy! And sometimes they shovel my walk, so that's nice!

Lucky Charms 171,220 14
03/20/2010 02:49 AM

Oh I forgot, 2 of my neighbors have small dogs...between the two of them there are like 7 dogs and the little ankle biters Shakespeare EVERYWHERE. I have to dodge landmines when I walk to my car. When it gets bad I take a shovel and shovel it back into their small yards instead of mine.

Brad Poynter 35,418 48
03/20/2010 02:51 AM

My neighbors are a sweet old couple whose grandkids recently got busted for cooking meth in the trailor behind the house. I had only met them once when they came down to tell us that their wolf-husky mix had just had puppies and they looked to be the offspring of my Dachshund, Whippit.

They seemed a little upset by this so I tried to ease their minds a little by pointing out one thing that was a certainty. It had to be consensual because he would have had to stand on his back legs just to sniff her butt.

Hydrant-monkey 9,447 21
03/20/2010 03:06 AM

I forgot to mention my neighbors neighbor. He is a firefighter that has a siren on his truck that he blares en route to calls at all hours of the night. Also, he plays the bagpipes.

They must hate me.

Slurpy Sammich ! 772 9
03/20/2010 04:57 AM

Once there was this continuous banging at my door and sounds of fidgeting with the door knob and it awoke me from my sleep .It then suddenly stopped and it went very silent,scared the crap out of me .

notsoBig Irish Phla 130,632 34
03/20/2010 06:13 AM

That's when I realize "oh yeah, that's why I put up with this poop machine." My dog barks so evilly when she is legitimately scared that it makes ME pee my pants.

Blue Penguin 485 11
03/20/2010 11:28 PM

My neighbors are quiet and rarely heard or seen, even their dogs are quiet. However, being next to the countryside we have lots of coyotes, fox and Canadian Geese (or minions as I call them). During the day it is very quiet. At night those coyotes starting the howling and barking. If you have never heard coyotes howl listen to this. Creeps the Shakespeare out of me when I'm out walking my dogs. I like to think they are hunting the minion geese.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/21/2010 02:18 AM

listen to this

Those are the scariest crickets I've ever heard.

Blue Penguin 485 11
03/21/2010 03:58 AM

Those are the scariest crickets I've ever heard.

They'll bite your head off. They've been mutated by contamination from Wolf Creek Nuclear Power Plant and a pesticide cocktail.

Rock Lobster. Just Rock Lobster. 17,427 30
03/21/2010 07:36 AM

On one side of us is a cow pasture, which is fine about 60% of the year when there aren't any cows on it. Otherwise, there's about 30 cows at the window mooing at all hours. it's like they annoy me in shifts.

On the other side of us is this really nice older couple who cook a lot and invite us out places. Sometimes we even play board games and dominoes.


A friend of ours has a neighbor across the street that operates a pneumatic nail/ staple gun at any given time. I swear, it starts at 6 am and doesn't stop til well after dark. Nobody knows who he is, either. It's weird.

Running with Scissors 3,504 12
03/21/2010 11:34 AM

We used to have a young married couple that lived next door to us. They were both named Chris!

The lady Chris used to walk around the house naked and was easily visible from our living room when she was in her kitchen. It became so common, that some of the magic begin to wane and I went ahead and left our curtains closed.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/21/2010 11:45 AM

To my left is an empty lot. I guess it's actually part of my yard because I bought it, but it's there so that I have space between the next neighbor and myself and because I might one day build a detached garage there. There's a very nice, quiet, sixty-something year old widow with a quiet little dog in the house on the other side of the empty lot.

On my right are a childless couple in their forties. In 3.5 years, I have seen the husband maybe three times. I wouldn't recognize him on the street if he wasn't with his wife. The wife is one of those women who, from thirty feet away, or from the back, looks great. Great figure, great hair, well dressed, etc. Then when you get up close, you see that her face looks like someone lit it on fire and then put the fire out with an icepick. GAH!

Slurpy Sammich ! 772 9 Observes
03/21/2010 12:18 PM

wow! you guys have very silent neighbors.

Dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/21/2010 01:29 PM

The wife is one of those women who, from thirty feet away, or from the back, looks great. Great figure, great hair, well dressed, etc. Then when you get up close, you see that her face looks like someone lit it on fire and then put the fire out with an icepick. GAH!

I believe that's called a "butter face."

Everything looks great 'but. her. face.'

Big Irish Guy 203,777 21
03/21/2010 01:33 PM

Also, they are called Bengals. This is in reference to the Cincinatti Bengals. Great unuiforms, ugly helmets.

BC Bud 13,693 15
03/21/2010 01:38 PM

my neighbours are all dead... shot

RavosComedyGod 62,361 20
03/21/2010 10:50 PM

My neighbors on the right are a very quiet couple from the philippines. They have an adopted kid back in their country, but I guess they adopted him before doing the paperwork so they couldn't legally bring him into Canada or something, so he is still living there with his adoptive grandparents.

My neighbors on the left are incredibly nosy, and pretty terrible people actually. We have caught them literally staring through the cedar hedge at us while we are in our backyard. We'll have a BBQ or something, and they'll decide its a good time to water their flowers or mow the lawn. They are al older, retired couple who have kids who no longer live with them. When my parents went to see the house before they bought it, the woman had a girl with down's syndrome helping her with gardening, who said she was just a girl from the neighborhood who helped her out. We later found out it was actually her daughter, and she actually was in the special olympics.

Slurpy Sammich ! 772 9
03/22/2010 03:42 AM

I once had a neighbor who would continuously complain about the illegally ear deafening decibels of rock music I would play.That made me play the music even louder moreover I would lean out of the window and try to see if my LOUD music did really achieve in rattling her window frames.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
03/22/2010 03:58 AM

My next door neighbors are Jehovah's Witnesses.


My idea next door neighbors would not be.

Cyco Christ died so you can sin 11,324 11
03/22/2010 04:11 AM

Also, they are called Bengals. This is in reference to the Cincinatti Bengals. Great unuiforms, ugly helmets

....and they're probably wanted for either unpaid child support or murder. Still I'd rather be with a Bengal than a Brown. Bengals at least look exciting from across the room, Browns are just ugly everywhere.

/Pram 78,178 40
03/22/2010 04:29 AM

I don't know my neighbors, but they seem nice enough.

Ideal neighbor: calm, quiet, keeps to themselves, unassuming, hates hookers.

Thank You, Zolton Bunny! 87,649 31
03/22/2010 04:37 AM

They say good fences make good neighbors.

But good fences with glory holes make great neighbors.

Unless the neighbors happen to own a pair of hedge clippers. Then, not so much.

/Pram 78,178 40
03/22/2010 04:58 AM

Rusty fences with spikes and razor wire make great protection against neighbors.

Pubah 54,900 17
03/22/2010 05:17 AM

One advantage of being transient (a new name for homeless)...

...when I don't like my neighbors, I pick up my cardboard box

and move!

Millie 116,854 28
03/22/2010 10:12 AM

Next to my house used to live a woman named Brenda and her five sons. When I first bought the house, I thought she had three--a little boy, a slightly older boy, and a teenager. Then, after having lived there a few years, I saw the teenager come out of the house and I said hi like I always did. Then, another teenager came out of the house a few minutes later. I realized that there were two, and even though they only slightly resembled each other, I had thought they were the same boy. About a year later, I realized there was a third one! And yet, for three years I thought they were the same person and said hi to all of them. At least the two younger ones looked nothing alike. The little one used to be cute but now he's a fat slob. The second-youngest now looks like his older brothers.

Their house was condemned and torn down after they moved out. The boys still skateboard in front of my house all the time. They live somewhere nearby and one of the three older ones works at the bakery on the other side of my house. I still can't really tell them apart, but I know who they are and they always say hi when they see me.

Millie 116,854 28
03/22/2010 10:17 AM

My only neighbors now are in the duplex behind me. I think they are pretty good neighbors because I don't see them much, but when I do, they offer me drinks and/or food. They shovel my side of the driveway in the winter and whack my weeds in the summer.

They are a gay couple and one of them moved his mother into the other side of the house. Prior to them buying the house, they lived in one side and walked around naked all the time. The young couple who lived in the mother's side also walked around naked. Thank God that's all over with now that mom has moved in.

The mother sits in the window and waves at me when I leave for work in the morning. She will yell out the window in summer, "I'm not spying on you! I'm just eating my breakfast! Have a good day!"

Slurpy Sammich ! 772 9
03/22/2010 12:32 PM

Once we stayed at a rundown neighborhood and we had a horrible neighbor who had an illegal daycare and the poor kids would run around all day unattended . After someone complained she shut down the daycare and started something new, an illegal pet store with scrawny animals that were underfed and uncared .She would allow all the animal excreta to accumulate for a long time before she moved her lazy arse to clean it .She had these trees which would shed leaves all over OUR yard and that was just maddening and she wouldn't do a darn thing about it.