Just Say No
A comedy article
by Monica Hamburg  484  7
03/22/2010 08:56 AM 948 views
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Monday, 11am.
My friend, Bill, rings me. A comedian (I'll call him "Bob") needs someone to get on stage on Tuesday night and sing a few lines with him during his routine.
My first instinct is "No!". (More like, "Frost, No.") I really, really don't want to.
I didn't need to plan to go on stage with a comic: I was always a prime target anyway (they can smell fear...). Hard as I tried to avoid their glance, it was as pointless as willing not be called on in school by thinking, "please don't ask me, please don't ask me..."
And, inevitably:
"You!"
Oh God... Heart races. Eyes dart to person near me. Hopeful I'm mistaken. Perhaps she's the intended target.
"No, you, petite girl avoiding me."
Frost. Forced smile.
"What do you do?"
Oh crap...
I was an actor. And telling a comedian you're an actor is like walking up to a dog while dressed as a fire hydrant.
I would see his eyes light up, as though his inner monologue was "Seriously?!!. Well, put on your bullet-proof suit, Baby."
The jokes would begin then: "How'd you get tonight off your wait shift?","Did all your actor friends chip in to pay for the cover charge?", "Which off-off-off-off-off-Broadway alley are you performing in next?"
And so, the thought of getting on stage with a comedian made me nauseous. Understatement.
But I figure it would be good for me to say "Yes".
Be brave, I tell myself, and I agree.
Monday, 4PM, East Vancouver.
Bob shows up to the coffee shop to meet and give me the script. He's... a little odd. Understatement. He hands me the lyric sheet for the song:
Title: "The Farting Song"
There is no God.
My role is to pretend I'm in the audience with another guy (another plant, we'll call him "Stevie V"). I am to make (scripted) lewd comments to this guy. Bob will then put a song on, which Stevie V is to sing along to. (How a random audience member is supposed to know the lyrics to a parody song is beyond me. Ruse FAIL.)
Bob will dance and pretend to fart. I will be wrinkling my nose disgustedly, singing the chorus, basically: "Oh Bob is farting..." and the like.
Frost.
It goes without saying that this routine is extremely unfunny. I wanted to say: "Uh no, thanks, please find someone else." But by this point it seems too late, as it might be too difficult for him to find someone else on short notice. I feel bad. So I decide to go through with this.
You know those gals who don't leave a serial killer's house when he shows them pictures of his beheaded victims, because they don't want to make the killer feel awkward? Yeah, that's me.
So I sat there thinking "Frost...". Bob then tells me more about this routine, and some of his other ones. Really, really unfunny.
"Where will we be doing this?" I ask (Please name some hole-in-the-wall...)
"Yuk Yuk's"
Frost...
He hands me the CD of the song and his routine. He leaves.
I text Bill:
I listen to the CD. There is laughter as he does his routine - but I am convinced it is a laughtrack, a la Rupert Pupkin in "King of Comedy".
I feel sick. I am no stranger to humiliating myself, but this takes it to a whole new level.
Tuesday 5:45PM
Mommy I don't wanna go...
Bill will be at the club to watch this nightmare but first we go out for sushi. I get a call from Bob telling me where to meet Stevie V. so we can pretend to be on the blind date and thus get seated together in front of the stage.
By the way, everything he said so far implied this guy was a professional and had done this routine with him before. Now he tells me: "Oh, Stevie V is really nervous. Not about the song, no, he's fine with that, but he's worried about the lines. So feel free to take over." Take over what?! The routine sucks, I can't save it. Besides, I was hoping to have a functional partner in this so I could feel more at ease. Now I'm the functional one.
Frost...
Over dinner, I tell Bill no one will find this routine funny. Bill (who hasn't heard any of it, as he prefers to see it in action) counters with, "You'd be surprised".
True enough. Some actually like "Two and a Half Men", which I think is abysmal. And more often then not my attempts at humor are met with people explaining my joke to me. So, hey, I could be wrong.
I hope I'm wrong.
Oh how I loved to be wrong.
We get to the club. There are so many people outside, the line circles around the blog.
Whaaa..? "Bill..." I manage to whimper, "There are people lined up..."
Bill: "It's probably not for the club."
They are all in front of the club.
How many people will be watching this?
We walk around the block a few times as I try to think about anything but the fact that I am about to go on stage and be part of the most baffling and humourless routine performed outside of a mental institution.
We go the lobby. I see Stevie V. then (he has been described to me). He is shaking. Not good. Not good at all.
Stevie V: "I'm really nervous."
I have a tendency to become the calm one if someone else is freaking out (my parents are Eastern-European, so I've played this role many times).
"It'll be fine," I tell him. Though I doubt it will.
We get seated.
The place is PACKED. There are over 250 people there.
Stevie V. asks me some questions that indicate he doesn't know this routine well. At all. Not good.
The host comes out, does his shtick and tells us that it is "Crash and Burn" night. That sounds about right.
Soon Bob comes out and begins his bit. It's as awful as I expected. Possibly worse. The audience is pretty much silent.
Except for one woman, bless her heart, who is cracking up like crazy. She can barely breathe she is laughing so hard. Is she intoxicated? Laughing out of embarrassment or sympathy for Bob? Who knows, but it's adorable.
Bob then says something I have never heard nor expected a comedian to say. Ever.
He looks at her and says, "Stop laughing! It's throwing me off." She continues to laugh. He then says, "Why are you laughing? I didn't expect anyone to laugh."
OK, now neither did I, but I didn't write the material...
I look over at another woman in the audience. She has an expression of horror akin to one of the victims in "The Ring".
Bob finally pretends to pick me at random to get on stage with him. Fine, this should soon be over. Stevie V., pretending he's my date, gets on stage with me.
A woman yells out, "Oh my God, it's Stevie V. Awesome!!!"
OK, maybe this will get better. After all, he has a fan.
We exchange our bawdy lines. Some shocked laughter. But of course, who talks like this with someone on a blind date... And in front of people, on stage? It's pretty obvious we're a part of this crap. Uncomfortable...
I hear Bill laughing in the audience. He is cracking up in a unique way that sounds like, "Oh my God, Monica is going to kill me."
The music begins. Bob begins dancing and Stevie V. is supposed to sing along to the song.
I specify here "supposed to" because he doesn't.
He just sort of stares at me, trembles as though he's having a seizure and makes random big gestures.
My role is look like I am disgusted and think Bob is insane. This is not difficult.
The host suddenly comes out from behind the curtain: "OK, OK, that's it!" He actually stops the routine! The dude got the hook! It's over! Blessed relief. I scurry to my seat.
Steve V.: "Oh! I forgot to sing the song!"
Uh huh...
Bill whispers, "That was so bad it was surreal."
"I told you so."
"Wow..."
Having survived this feels like I jumped out of a plane sans parachute and somehow made it through. Everything is OK now and I can just sit back and enjoy the carnage. And hope that no one, ever, ever remembers me for what I was just a part of.
But just in case, Bill and I hightail it out of there, much as if we were this guy:
---
Bill's version of the events is here. As he wisely remarked, "At least you had a 3-minute break from being in the audience."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
16 votes
3.9
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.3
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Big Irish Guy 203,956  21
03/22/2010 09:00 AM
No.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
03/22/2010 11:13 PM
No, what?
No n00bs? No articles? No more wooden hangers. Evar?
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Christ died so you can sin 11,330 11
03/23/2010 01:03 AM
So, what off-off-off-off Broadway show are you doing? The suspense is killing me. Great article by the way.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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/Pram 80,728 42
03/23/2010 01:06 AM
And, inevitably:
"You!"
Crank that, Soulja Boy!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Nachos 57,521 23
03/23/2010 01:33 AM
I can't believe we've got a poster that has their own page on imdb.
For some reason it also amuses me that you're their 12th shortest person listed for the year you were born.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
03/23/2010 01:36 AM
Hmmmm.
1. Can actually write (spelling and grammar count, kids).
2. Actress
3. Petite
4. Of Eastern European descent.
5. Funny.
Monica, would you please be SUYT now?
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.2
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The Mailman 176,467 56
03/23/2010 01:54 AM
Monica, would you please be SUYT now?
It's interesting how you point out the features that make this poster a rarity on this site, and then proceed to type exactly the reason why she's a rarity.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.8
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/23/2010 03:38 AM
You know those gals who don't leave a serial killer's house when he shows them pictures of his beheaded victims, because they don't want to make the killer feel awkward? Yeah, that's me.
How you doin'?
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Chuckleworthy
7 votes
2.8
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Monica Hamburg 484 7
03/23/2010 03:48 AM
@Big Irish Guy I know! I'll learn! // And re your last comment: Good! So that's your freezer, huh? Nice...
@Dogs Akimbo Careful, I keep wooden hangers, by my bedside for just this reason... ;)
@Cyco Thank you! The show is called "Someone who I like doesn't like me and so I complain. The sequel."
@Pram Crankin' it.
@Chuckleworthy Holy man! I didn't even notice that. Wow, that's a dubious distinction!
@Whistler P. McManus Thanks. Now how'd I miss the memo that the site changed its name from Zug to Jug?
@The Mailman Couldn't have put it better myself :)
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/23/2010 03:52 AM
STEP AWAY FROM THE TWITTER FORMAT. Just put it down. Everything will be okay.
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Funny
9 votes
3.8
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The Mailman 176,467 56
03/23/2010 03:56 AM
@Whistler P. McManus Thanks. Now how'd I miss the memo that the site changed its name from Zug to Jug?
Actually, when it's coming from Whistler, it means "show us your toes."
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Cyco Christ died so you can sin 11,330 11
03/23/2010 03:58 AM
STEP AWAY FROM THE TWITTER FORMAT. Just put it down. Everything will be okay.
It could be worse, she could be using LiveJournal (Pram) or MySpace (Lobster) format.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
03/23/2010 04:16 AM
Dare I ask what happened to Steves I through IV?
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
03/23/2010 04:23 AM
Actually, when it's coming from Whistler, it means "show us your toes."
It's good to know that at least one person here totally gets me.
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0 votes
0.0
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Monica Hamburg 484 7
03/24/2010 07:39 AM
Twitter format keeps me safe. It's so scary out there without all my @ and emoticons...
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/24/2010 07:44 AM
Monica,
You are a rarity on this site, someone who comes in writing original and funny articles. So I have no problem saying, you are better than emoticons. So you should stop with those, STAT. As for the Twitter format, it has its place...on Twitter.
BIG
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
03/24/2010 10:06 AM
Don't listen to him. He went to Syracuse, he's got no face, AND we wants to be a lawyer.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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The Grand Imperial Priestess 58,981 29
03/24/2010 10:28 AM
He went to Syracuse, he's got no face, AND we wants to be a lawyer.
Is he also looking for the precious?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Lucky Charms 171,275 14
03/24/2010 10:35 AM
and we wants to be a lawyer?
Hey BIG, is that a Dog in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
03/24/2010 10:50 AM
Are you calling me a dick?
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0 votes
0.0
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Lucky Charms 171,275 14
03/24/2010 11:12 AM
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a iguana.
So no.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
03/25/2010 05:09 AM
Yes
Okay, then.
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