Microwave Vs. 750 Matches A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 03/26/2010 05:00 PM 7277 views
Recently I attempted to blow up my microwave in the name of comedy, and was aggravated when my experiment ended up ... well, less than dynamite. In fact, the experiment smelled of failure and burnt popcorn. To uphold my reputation as a mad scientist, I felt the microwave needed to be destroyed by any means necessary.
This microwave must die.
This was no longer about science; it was about revenge.
Silently mocking me with its very existence.
I figured the best remote trigger I could use would by my faithful AK, but I knew that guns alone would not set off the powdery explosive still inside the microwave.
Remote ignition interface.
Mysterious explosive powder.
To ensure a detonation, I needed something that was highly flammable. I had a can of gasoline out in the garage that was a good start.
Can reads DANGER: EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE VAPORS CAN EXPLODE ... YES!
Still, I needed a spark to ignite the gasoline fumes, which would in turn ignite the powder. I wanted to make sure there was a reliable ignition source, so I went to the store and bought 3 boxes of matches, and a roll of packing tape. I don't want anyone to think that I am not being completely safety-conscious while I perform these experiments, so I got safety matches to ease your minds.
Completely harmless.
When I got home, I took the packing tape and started sticking matches to it.
I was somehow able to resist the urge to wear these as bandoliers
An hour later, I had a 750-match roll that was big enough to hit at range with the AK.
37.5 times better than Matchbox Twenty
Safety matches will not light on just any surface, such as pieces of flying glass or bullet fragments; they only light when struck against the agent contained in the box's strike pad. As I waited for the weather to clear, I was becoming less sure of this plan.
So I made a trip to a different store, where I found another type of match: the Strike Anywhere Match.
Strike anywhere? How about space?!
Yes, there would be no question of ignition once these matches and their phosphorus sesquisulfides were brought into play. Feeling like a teenager building a pipe bomb, I broke the heads off 750 of these matches, and taped them to a piece of cardboard, which I would place in the back of the microwave.
A matchstick reenactment of the French Revolution
I know what you're thinking. "But Brad, that totally negates the feeling of comfort those safety matches gave me." Fear not! I found the perfect set of head and eye protection for this experiment.
In a post-apocalyptic world, one man still dared to have matching accessories
With all my materials gathered, it was time to prepare the test site. I took an old aquarium stand and propped a piece of plywood against it. That didn't seem to be enough protection, so I reinforced it with the wheelbarrow I had used to haul everything out to the field.
That should stop a flying microwave door, right?
It was time to conduct the "experiment," or in layman's terms, time to start shooting.
As you can see in the video, I hit with the first shot, but there was no reaction. The second bullet set something off, and caused a small but fiery explosion. The other 28 shots were fired strictly for the hell of it, not because I hate that microwave. Really.
Is it just me, or does it look like a fire midget is trying to hump it?
I watched it burn in satisfaction until my wife came down to make sure I hadn't blown myself up. She advised me that I needed to put the fire out, and I realized that my plans had not included any kind of fire control.
We stomped at the ignited grass for a minute, and then she rushed off to get a bucket of water while I got some from the nearby spring. Of course by the time she got back I had stomped the grassfire out with my big hillbilly feet. If I hadn't been on camera, I would have just peed it out, but this isn't that kind of site.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
The smoking remains of my enemy were a beautiful sight to behold.
Unlike the Terminator, the microwave failed to walk out of the fire with glowy red eyes
All the plastic had melted off the frame, and the door was perforated in multiple locations. It smelled like every morsel of food the microwave had ever heated had all been burnt at once by a pile of burning tires.
Looks more sanitary than when I got it.
The remains of the can were twisted by the heat and ballistic impacts it had sustained.
As usual I am 2 for 30 in hitting the can
Despite losing sight of the science completely, I still learned a few valuable lessons. I learned that experimenting with gasoline should always go hand in hand with a fire extinguisher. I also found that the local deer population is smart enough to run away from me on sight. Lastly, I learned that when you're after revenge, it doesn't matter how you destroy your enemy, as long as you get to watch.
You are mad. Please do not kill yourself, as these articles are hilarious. Getting maimed is ok though, but if it does happen, I trust you will manage not to be out of commission too long.
Awesome! The fact that I work on them made it even better. Matter of fact, it gives me an idea for some of those troublesome microwaves on the west coast...
Thanks everyone for the kind words and the other stuff too!
I feel like I have to take a minute and say a few words about the death of the Recycled Stunt Cooler.
Fearless in the face of danger
He was a camera stand when I blew up the turkey. He held his ground and the fruitcake while taking friendly fire in the process. He snickered behind my back when the microwave failed to explode in the first experiment.
Now his days of stunt coolering are over for good and I hope he is full of beer at the great campout in the sky.
Seriously, you should get your own show. I would pitch it as a mashup between "Human Wrecking Balls" on G4 and Mythbusters on Discovery. Essentially, all you do is destroy Shakespeare but using explosives. You would get 3 seasons at least.
that is sick stupid and your a very bad shot with 2 out of 30 nice going you finally got your reevenge but now your left with no microwave which is bad because you cant have all that junk food that you were not supposed to eat.
that is sick stupid and your a very bad shot with 2 out of 30 nice going you finally got your reevenge but now your left with no microwave which is bad because you cant have all that junk food that you were not supposed to eat.
that is sick stupid and your a very bad shot with 2 out of 30 nice going you finally got your reevenge but now your left with no microwave which is bad because you cant have all that junk food that you were not supposed to eat.
Nurse. After a long discussion with Mrs. Poynter she decided that she needs to see your boobs before making any kind of polygamistic decisions. I don't know what the pass/fail criteria are, but if you send some boobography to my e-mail (in profile) I will get them to her for you.
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