Evil Acorns

Evil Acorns
A comedy article by Manhole VS Gravity

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04/11/2010 03:39 PM 405 views

While it is arguably clear why people do what they do,

it is so very unclear why that stupid whore mother nature does what she does. I have gazed into the vast complications of my front lawn for the past two hours now. Mainly pondering the reason why mother nature thinks it's funny to let grass grow in my driveway but not in my front yard. And I know she thinks it's funny because I can her snicker via the wind every blessed time I pull one of those evil acorn sprouts up.

Okay, so maybe I'm pushing it a bit. But not about the acorns. They are truly seeds sent up from the pits of Hell in order to drive frustrated non-green thumbs such as myself absolutely crazy. So why are these acorns so evil? How can mother nature, with all of the beautiful things she has made, produce such as wicked, vial thing like an acorn?

A closer look into the acorns life span is to be had. These demonseeds begin their murderous life by falling from oaks trees in the fall. Once on the ground, a devilish tail will sprout from the acorn and attempt to plunge into the ground.

Disgusting...

Once it has it claws deep enough into the earth, the acorn will lift itself up and split into two halves.

BARF!!!

Over time the demonseed will mature into a small oak tree. During this process, the oak tree sucks up all the nutrients from the surrounding earth. This causes the grasses around the tree to die.

I have discovered an interesting fact about oak trees and their evil offspring acorns. An oak tree will start to produce acorns when it is between 20 and 50 years old. As the tree gets older it will produce more acorns. So how many acorns will an oak tree produce when it is say, 66 years old?.

The answer is 666 acorns.

Therefore acorns must be evil in origin. May God bless the man and his chainsaw. For it is the only weapon we have to fight the millions upon millions of them that threaten our lawns every singe year.