The Aloe Vera Juice Experiment
A comedy article
by cokebabies  1,385  14
04/15/2010 06:28 AM 7664 views
|
|
As an extremely pale person, I have often required the healing properties of aloe. It has always been there for me at the end of a long day involving an "It's not that sunny out" misadventure. Although to be honest, I don't even know if aloe actually works. All I know is that when I get burned, I rub some green slime on me, and a few days later I'm a little better.
Of course, a few days later without aloe would probably also result in me getting a little better, but then I wouldn't get to experience the feeling of my calves lightly sticking to the sheets.
That's a pain that'll linger
However, in all my experiences with aloe use, I have always chosen to apply it to the outside of my body. But with most medicines, there's a big difference between using them on the outside and the inside. Pepto Bismol doesn't work very well when rubbed on the stomach, and eating Icy Hot rarely comforts a sore leg muscle. Although it might help soothe canker sores, but I'm afraid to do that research.
Now your breath can smell like an old man's gym locker!
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that people were drinking aloe vera juice. Now, drinking "enhanced" beverages is nothing new; VitaminWater's annual earnings could probably feed a medium-sized continent for a year. And once the American public latches onto the smallest scrap of health advice, no matter how incorrectly used, they can't get enough.
Just over five years ago, Pom Wonderful was a niche product. It was familiar mostly to those who really displayed an interest in nutrition, or at least looked at the ads in Men's Health that don't inexplicably have guys just lounging in their underwear together. Now everything is pomegranate flavored, from ice pops to Smirnoff vodka.
"In Soviet Russia, pomegranates are flavored with vodka"
After contemplating this, the idea of drinking aloe vera didn't really shock me. But the concept still disgusted me. I imagined it to have a creepy, "slick" texture. Like an awkward medium between the silkiness of Fiji water and a glass of warm pan drippings.
Hope you're hungry!
As a bit of a health nut myself, I figured it was a good experiment to try. If I wound up hating it, I would at least have a story to tell. If it turned out to be delicious, I could use its nutrients to balance out the Taco Bell I had for lunch. The only way to find out whether a liquidized aloe concoction would land on the delicious or disgusting side of the fence would be to find out for myself.
As a benefit to my finances, my local supermarket had recently experimented with selling these products. That experiment appeared to be a massive failure, so I was able to buy a can for twenty two cents.
The can sat in my cabinet, then eventually my fridge ... taunting me. I feared what it would taste like, but I had to know. Eventually, I was able to gather up my courage, and attempt to dig in. Oh God, I hope I wouldn't actually be digging in. I hadn't even contemplated the possibility of solids floating in it. It would be some bastard spawn of "homestyle" orange juice and Orbitz.
Hi, I'm disgusting!
Upon taking a closer look at the can, I realized there would indeed be solids. The can says "Bits of Real Aloe," like that's a selling point. I'm drinking this to be healthy; I just want to get it over with and don't want to chew my beverage. If I drank wheatgrass to be healthy (I don't), I just want to drink it. I don't want "Real Wheatgrass Clippings" floating about.
"Homestyle" aloe juice.
I didn't think it would be carbonated, but with a drink this bizarre, who knows? At the same time, I didn't want all the "Real Bits of Aloe" staying in a gelatinous clump. So I used my years of Yoo-Hoo training, and gently shook the can ... then poured.
"Strained, not stirred"
The first thing that struck me was that it smelled pretty good. The appearance, on the other hand, was an off-putting, translucent, mucous-esque slime.
I thought it was aloe, but it's snot.
There they are: the "Real Bits of Aloe." (I wonder if imitation aloe bits are more aesthetically pleasing than real bits.) When looking straight down into the glass, it had an alarming similarity to a petri dish filled with bacteria.
World's slimiest martini.
Possibly more upsetting than the top-down perspective was looking at it from the side. The liquid and solids had clearly separated, and it bore a close resemblance to Jell-O 1-2-3.
Although this was more of just a 1-2.
The visuals were as creepy as I was expecting. All that was left now was to see if the taste was more or somehow less appealing. Upon first sip, I was extremely disappointed. It was actually kind of ... good! Well, small parts were. And by small parts I don't mean "Real Bits of Aloe."
If you manage to get a sip with no solids in it, it was similar to a thinned-out pear nectar. But a bigger sip opened the floodgates for the bits of aloe (real bits, by the way) to come rushing in. Bouncing off my teeth and touching my tongue in a most unsettling way. In that instant the aloe juice went from mildly enjoyable to incredibly horrifying.
If you're a fan of the aforementioned Orbitz, or bubble tea, you might be able to get into aloe vera juice. For me, liquid and phlegm blobs don't go well together. Separately, they're great.
By this point, I'm sure you're thinking, "This sounds delicious and all, but are there any benefits to aloe vera juice that might make a good sidebar for an article in Prevention magazine?"
I'm glad I made up that you asked, because we are about to find out how well aloe vera juice compares to aloe vera gel when it comes to soothing a burn inside your mouth.
Please continue to Part 2: Burning My Mouth For Comedy!
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
18 votes
4.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150109
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150110
John Hargrave 128,751  73
04/15/2010 06:31 AM
Please give a friendly welcome to new writer cokebabies. After he submitted some hilarious articles to the site recently (Laffy Taffy and Hire Spider-Man), we asked him to do an original experiment for us. This very funny piece was his first effort.
Also don't miss his review of Clamato on his site.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150244
cokebabies 1,385 14
04/16/2010 07:59 AM
Yeah, but these types of things are easy to ignore when they're stocked on the shelves of health and "natural" food stores. When they start infiltrating normal stores, that's when a lot of people take notice.
Or don't, I guess, judging by the clearance price.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150245
Shemp Lee Roy: The Last Dragon 22,222 17
04/16/2010 08:04 AM
I drink aloe juice for my ulcers.
It looks nothing like the above nastyness.
And the taste is umm... bearable.
I mix mine with brewed iced tea it makes the taste umm... more bearable.
Although I've had this particular ucler for 20 years or so, my GI doctor said, after looking at it with a camera down my throat, that it only looks like it is a few months old.
I can not take the drugs they have out for the ulcer because of the side affects. So it's pretty much just the aloe that's keeping my ulcer from getting worse.
So to any of you who have an ulcer and cant take the drgus they have out for it, drink aloe, it seems to work.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150246
John Hargrave 128,751 73
04/16/2010 08:15 AM
Interesting, Shemp. Does your brand taste slimy?
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054150259
>Pram 80,728 42
04/16/2010 10:00 AM
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: can color urine pink when taken internally
Sweet, I'm gonna slip some in my roommate's organic coconut milk!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054152395
BobbyPeru 45 7
05/02/2010 05:49 PM
Can anyone say "man-juice martini"???
|
|
|
|
Store
