January 13th was the most exhilirating, exhausting day of my life. With absolutely no regard for my hygiene or my sanity, I spent 24 consecutive hours in a Super Walmart. Some of you will say it's because I'm already partly insane, but I'm hoping most of you will look upon me as a god -- an immortal to be worshiped until the end of days.
Always.
Here in Texas, Walmart is a big deal. We get everything from there including our food, clothes, haircuts, auto care, banking, pharmaceuticals, and a plethora of other things that you will soon read about.
When I first decided to do this, I only told a few close friends, so they could visit me throughout my 24 hour prison sentence. Then I created a Twitter account, and updated it several times an hour with what I was doing, eating, destroying, etc. I took many pictures, some funny, the majority depressing. I spent upwards of $20 just at McDonalds, and much more on a haircut, manicure, and detox pills.
For the full experience, check out my Twitter feed -- or just read through the highlights below, in chronological order:
walking around ... WTF have I commited to?? 12:02 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
I was literally two minutes in, and already panicking. Look at the desolation of this aisle -- what the hell was I going to do in the store for 24 hours? I was certain that come 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., I would bail.
Thinking quickly, I had my brother pick up my car so my only choice would be to walk home, call a friend to pick me up, or call a cab. Too lazy to walk, my friends hate me, and I am too cheap to call a cab. I was locked in for 24 hours.
Sitting on the benches by the pharmacy. Why are all the night workers yelling obsenities at each other? 1:59 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
About two hours in, I heard this conversation:
Employee 1: Ey man, Frost that.
Employee 2: Nah, n****, Frost you den.
Employee 1: Maaaaan ... Frost it all!
Employee 2: You know dat's right.
WTF?? I just woke up in Mcdonalds. How'd I get in here. 6:54 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
I kid you not. I was browsing the cereal aisle, checking to see if there are any new ones I haven't tried, when the next thing I knew, I was lifting my head up from a table inside the McDonalds. I was honestly scared for my life at that point. I have pulled all nighters before, but I've never had memory loss or hallucinations because of them. Alas, I pushed on.
So apparently, it's inappropriate to feel a melon, then look over at the customer next to you and say, "No silicone here." Crazy old woman. 7:56 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
I was checking out the fruit, considering buying some to wash out the crap I had eaten thus far, when I noticed an elderly woman standing next to me. I picked up a melon, felt it in my hands, then looked her and said in a chipper voice, "No silicone here."
She looked at me and asked, "How old are you?"
I responded, "Honestly, I've been in this store since midnight and am delirious already to the point where I don't remember. I think 20-something."
"That's an irresponsible thing to say, young man."
I apologized, put down the fruit and went to go check on the cereal again.
I just asked this middle aged woman if she's seen my mommy. Puppy dog eyes, baby voice, the whole works. Then walked away yelling "Mommy?!" 10:07 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
Oh, this was so good. I actually got the idea from an article called "101 Things to Do in Walmart." This woman was speechless. Insanity FTW!
My new BFFs.
I just got told "Frost off" by a guy trying to rent from Red Box while I tried convincing him it's called "Red" cause it's run by communists. 11:27 AM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
Me: Hey man, you know Red Box is run by communists, right?
Guy: What?
Me: Communists. That's why it's red. Stalin bro, the Soviets will rise again.
Guy: Frost off.
Me: Fair enough.
I walked away and immediately updated the Twitter.
I can't believe I've made it halfway. Eye of the Llama. Trying to get the power tools to work ... this could be good or bad. Definitely bad. 12:00 PM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
Around noon, I saw a display of power tools sitting along a rack on the wall. Unfortunately, none of them were powered up; otherwise, a lot of Walmart's merchandise would be riddled with holes right now.
Getting a manicure in Walmart. 12:55 PM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
It's important for me to take care of myself, right? Ladies, am I right? Okay, I'm a loser.
Hour 14 ... morale is low, resources abundant ... must poop ... afraid of Walmart diseases in bathrooms ... MUST ... HOLD ... IT ... IN ... 2:11 PM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
I'm terrified of public restrooms. Who knows what kinds of diseases lurk in those ghastly stalls. Realizing I couldn't hold it in, I tried to occupy my mind with other things. I talked to some strangers, drank another Red Bull, checked most all of the egg cartons to see if any of the eggs were cracked (all good surprisingly). Fifty minutes later, I noticed one of the bathrooms being cleaned by maintenance and relieved myself accordingly, as none of my maneuvers to forget my uncomfortable condition were working any longer.
Some random girl's sexy tattoos 3:25 PM Jan 13th from Twitterrific
I met this girl in the hairdresser when I went back to talk to the employees there. I asked her about her tats and told her if she lets me put 'em online, she could potentially become famous. In other words, I lied.
I was past the halfway point of my Walmart Experiment, not realizing the second half would be much more trying ... and much more entertaining.
Please continue to Part 2: The Final Hours!
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