The Infiltrator: A Fuzzy Fetish, Part 2 A comedy article
by Harmon Leon 2,232 7 04/22/2010 06:32 AM 2303 views
After learning that Ed Wood (as portrayed here by Johnny Depp in the film Ed Wood) had a thing for angora, I wanted to explore this bizarre fetish for myself [Read Part 1 here]. Now I was making my way down Oxford Street in London, getting progressively more fuzzy ... in both senses of the word.
INFILTRATION #2 STORE: John Lewis, an upscale boutique. QUALITY: None. They don't carry Angora sweaters. PERSONA: German Tourist Dieter Lietershvantz. He speaks only in the third person and in a thick German accent.
I stop at a pub for my second Brandy Alexander. It's almost as embarrassing to order as it is to ask for women's clothes.
As I walk into John Lewis, I've changed into a black turtleneck, big fuzzy hat and German sense of humor. There's a fixed scowl on my face.
The ladies' sweater department is fairly empty, but there's a young saleswoman. Her nametag says Jeanne. She looks bored. I have to stand in front of her, scowling for a moment, to get her attention. My throat is cleared.
"Dieter wants ladies angora sweater!" I pound my chest with my fist. She looks up. There's a look of condescending annoyance for being interrupted.
"Excuse me?"
"SHOW ME ANGORA SWEATER!"
I remain unmoved. Her hands are palms down on the counter. She's still trying to figure out exactly what I want.
"Show me angora sweater, NOW!" I tap my finger on the counter.
She realizes I'm harmless and just want women's clothing. "Sorry, we don't have angora sweaters."
"What?"
"The closest we have is lambswool."
Now this is getting insulting. "Dieter does not wear LAMBSWOOL!"
"Excuse me?"
"It makes Dieter chafe. DIETER ONLY WEARS ANGORA!"
She wonders why I'm shouting. The clerks of today are so unhelpful. Where's Mr. PeaColeridge from Are You Being Served? He'd understand my dilemma.
"MENSwear"
"Maybe you should try Selfridges," the clerk advises me.
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