Now Playing at a Bin Near You
A comedy article
by Monica Hamburg  484  6
04/28/2010 06:27 PM 779 views
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"What do you do?" Someone would inevitably ask at a party.
"I'm... an actor."
"Oh." The tone was that of either enthusiasm or boredom, depending on the circle. "What have you been in?"
For me, there was never any good answer to that question because, even after 13 years of acting, my resume mainly consisted of films:
a) that were never released - or even completed.
b) where I appear for 1-2 minutes
c) which were not familiar to anyone outside the 10 people attending its one-night screening, 5-8 of whom were the directors family and friends.
And so I'd mutter something like “indie films" and desperately try to change the subject. "That's a cool feather headband. Do you manufacture those?"
“Anything that I might have seen you in?" They'd continue. "You know, my nephew" (or brother or neighbour or cat) "is an actor". He gets parts all the time! He was just in a film playing opposite Al Pacino. I don't even think he's had any acting training."
These conversations would allow me to, once I had gotten over the initial urge to murder myself or the speaker, contemplate the marvellous films I had been a part of.
Early on, there was a short film in which I had role of “Girl at End" and spoke one word. I had no illusions about this doing anything for my career, but I was still slightly disappointed when, 3 years after we shot the film, I received a copy in the mail and it came with the following note/disclaimer from the producer:
“Dear Actors,
Sorry for the delay and I apologize that this film has turned out so Shakespeare! We had a very hard time editing for VARIOUS REASONS and due to FURTHER DIFFICULTIES in transferring from European format to American, the quality SUCKS.
Still, here is a copy,
- Jens"
Yet another short film, this one in which I had the lead, concerned an insecure actress who relies too heavily on the opinion of her acting teacher, a Svengali-like character. He pressures her to go to an audition, she eventually succumbs. The final scene consists of the casting session which turns out to be a ruse: it is a snuff film and she is murdered. After quite some time I again received the necessary copy, which I hoped to add to my demo reel. However I discovered that every scene had been cut out of the film, save for the last 2, which left: my character entering the building for the audition and being murdered. Basically this final cut resembled... a snuff film. Along with the tape, the director had sent a note saying “Let me know what you think of it!". On most occasions I had tried to be tactful and not burn any bridges, but this was beginning to get to me. I think I left one of my usual highly articulate confrontational messages which began something like, “What.... I just... I. I mean, I like, thought..." continued into “kinda frustrated, you know" and ended with, “Uh, so, no, I didn't like it."
But with plenty of these, I should have known going in what to expect when it came to the final product. For instance the film that in which I played one of three sluts. I should clarify, this was only one of the films in which I played one of three sluts. This one, specifically, was made by a 35-year-old man who still lived with his parents (as well as his older sister) and whose best friend was a 9-year-old girl he claimed was “super mature". To finance his production, which was shot on Super-8mm film, as all cinematic masterpieces surely are, he was using all the money he had saved from working at the "Yogurt & Such". (I took perverse delight in contemplating what the “Such" referred to, hoping it was a “Happy Ending".)
Still, many of these examples pale in comparison to my favourite “What the...?" I had a charming supporting role in a feature-length independent film. The script was lovely. The cast was impressive. Sadly, this was the director's first film, it was based on his life, and he ended up having a nervous breakdown during the shoot. Several years later, I heard that he had copies of the film which he was submitting to festivals. I called the director, acquired one, and upon viewing, discovered that the film had, in lieu of some of the scenes, the following text:
"SCENE MISSING"
along with a description of what should have been there.
E.g.: “In this scene, Demetrius finally confronts his mother, whom he has not seen in 20 years".
Why this never made it into Sundance and launched my film career, I'll never know.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
14 votes
3.8
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,224  71
04/30/2010 06:58 AM
Monica, hearing your stories always helps me feel better about my career.
And my decision never to get a Brazilian wax.
Well written and funny, thanks for submitting.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pram 78,556 41
04/30/2010 07:43 AM
I'm an actor, too. I act like a jerk! It's not a full time job, though.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Alt+Ctrl+Ravos 62,425 20
04/30/2010 08:13 AM
Neither is your job at 711, but everybody needs to make a living.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Pram 78,556 41
04/30/2010 08:33 AM
No Shakespeare! Hopefully this sound design I've been doing gets me work... Making realistic sound effects for porn. From what I've heard, that market is pretty recession-proof.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Alt+Ctrl+Ravos 62,425 20
04/30/2010 08:37 AM
I don't think anyone would want to pay to listen to you moaning into a sneaker, Pram.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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Monica Hamburg 484 6
05/04/2010 08:41 PM
$50, Pram. But not a penny more.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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It's Marmite, FFS... 12,940 12
05/05/2010 12:06 PM
This one, specifically, was made by a 35-year-old man who still lived with his parents (as well as his older sister) and whose best friend was a 9-year-old girl he claimed was f‚...“super mature"
At what point did you stop and ask yourself if this was a bit TOO creepy? The living with the parents? The living with parents AND sister? Or the 9 year old "super mature" sexual partner best friend?
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Big Irish Guy 203,805 21
05/05/2010 12:10 PM
What's the matter Marmite? Didn't you get your complimentary pre-tween "friend" when you signed up for ZUG? Or was that offer only valid inside the US?
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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It's Marmite, FFS... 12,940 12
05/05/2010 12:13 PM
I ticked the box on the application form for 10 year old Philipino Boy.
Probably got lost in the post. Just as well I like mine "aged".
And by aged, I mean dead.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Big Irish Guy 203,805 21
05/05/2010 12:17 PM
That's your problem. By 10, most Filipino boys are already post-op.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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It's Marmite, FFS... 12,940 12
05/05/2010 12:23 PM
All used up and worn out too.
Imma get me a sweet, sweet 8 year old.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,805 21
05/05/2010 12:26 PM
You should get Chinese one. Even if they have been abused by their father, its like they're still a virgin.
As a bonus, you know they are tough because they were able to claw their way out of the bag and swim out of whatever river their parents threw them in.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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It's Marmite, FFS... 12,940 12
05/05/2010 12:35 PM
The trouble with Chinese, is once you've beaten and abused one, you want to maim and torture another one an hour later.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,805 21
05/05/2010 12:36 PM
That's okay, there's a BILLION of them.
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0 votes
0.0
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End. In. Ravos. 62,425 20
05/05/2010 12:44 PM
Bin there, done that.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Monica Hamburg 484 6
06/15/2010 09:57 AM
Ah Marmite, you are assuming that a desperate actor has ability to ascertain that something is "too" creepy. That's so sweet!
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