The greatest things ever accomplished have been simple tests. STD tests, a groundbreaking tampon test, and the "special tests" which my teacher used to put me in a lower grade in middle school.
Today, I will change the course of history by publishing the first, unbiased, condom test.
Inside this bold exploration into the human mind (and vagina), you'll find out which flavored condom tastes best, which condom is the most durable, and much, much less.
The first rubber condom was produced in 1855, which was described by women as "Like having a basketball in my vagina." Thus, the latex condom was born.
Latex condoms are cheap, durable baby-preventers. They also make it reasonably safe for me to keep having sex with all those Russian prostitutes. But do they really work? I mean, just look at this thing.
Am I really supposed to believe this can reverse my heart condition? Actually, I'm pretty sure I made that last part up. But seriously, use a condom, or you'll get chocolate syrup everywhere.
"Ribbed for her pleasure"
First, I called up Trojan, to ask them some background questions about their condoms.
Trojan: Thank you for calling Trojan, this is Danita speaking, how can I help you today?
Ball: Hi, I'm calling because today, I'm out to save the world.
Trojan: Wh-
Ball: I've got one of your condoms in front of me, and I'm looking at this thing, and it looks really flimsy.
Trojan: Well sir, Trojan uses a rigorous testing process to ensure the lowest failure rates possible. Our condoms have an extremely low failure rate when used properly.
Ball: I've wearing one right now, and it's working just fine. What's this made out of, latex?
Trojan: Yes, sir.
Ball: Have you thought about one made out of concrete? That'll stop those babies.
Trojan: Excuse me, sir?
Ball: I don't remember. Anyway, I was just looking at one of your extra large Magnum condoms.
Trojan: Yes?
Ball: This thing's gigantic. I mean, you'd have to be an NBA player or a comedy writer to fill one of these things. Have you considered making a smaller Magnum for normal people?
Trojan: Sir, I would be happy to give you our email address, if you wish to send us comments or suggestions.
Ball: And then I started wondering, if I wear this, will I start to look like one of those guys from 300?
Trojan: [Hangs up]
In conclusion, King Leonidas looks so angry because they don't make one in his size.
Next: World's First Flavored Condom Taste Test!
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