In my groundbreaking Ultimate Condom Test [Read Part 1 here], I wanted to find out once and for all which condom is the strongest and the best. Now it was time for some heavy testing.
Test #1: Heavy Whipping Cream
In honor of my penis, we used extra creamy whipped cream. Yes, no expense was spared in the making of this article. Except for the whole thing being outsourced to South Korea.
The first condom, the Magnum, was able to hold a considerable amount of whipped cream. It didn't burst, and filled up until there was no way to force more whipped cream inside.
The ribbed "Her Pleasure" condom wouldn't hold as much whipped cream as the Magnum. It did, however, provide heightened sensation.
We ran out of cream and had to use half-and-half for the third condom. The third was a Magnum XL and undoubtably held the most weight out of the three condoms.
TEST #1 FINAL RESULTS
Magnum: 0
Her Pleasure: 0
Magnum XL: 1
Test #2: 3250 RPM Belt Sander
I'm always worried about finding out there are teeth in my partner's vagina, so I want something protecting me both from STDs and bodily harm. Here I aimed to find the toughest condom.
The regular sized Magnum burst after a second on the belt sander, so I am taking away one point.
Both the Her Pleasure and Magnum XL did not burst when held down against the belt sander. I think withstanding a belt sander is extremely manly, so I am giving them each two points.
TEST #2 FINAL RESULTS
Magnum: -1
Her Pleasure: 2
Magnum XL: 3
Test #3: Oxyacetylene Torch
Now it was time to burn some rubber.
The third test was actually the most important to me: the ability for a condom to withstand heat. This is imperative if one is going to perform a Dirty Rodriguez, which is the lesser-known cousin of my best friend Sanchez.
All three condoms were destroyed by the heat, which was incredibly disappointing.
TEST #3 FINAL RESULTS
Magnum: -1
Her Pleasure: 2
Magnum XL: 3
So the winner, the best condom in the world, is the Magnum XL. It's durable, manly, and can store an incredible amount of illegal drugs.
Through all of this, I learned a valuable lesson. Life is simply a journey for us to learn something, something I can't quite remember after breathing the fumes from those flavored condoms. I think I'm going to go lie down.
If you enjoyed Condomania, then check out Ball Saxbury's The Tampon Trials, where he attempts to find out which tampon is LEAST absorbent.
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