We are going to have 43 minutes of fun over here and then ...
A comedy article
by The Spit in Hospitality  1,071  8
05/11/2010 01:26 AM 410 views
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We decided it was time to take the kids to Disney. By "we", I mean my wife and the figment that agrees with her while she's ingoring my saying "Good Lord No!" And by "time" I mean the exact ages for which one child is dead weight the entire time (but with the added bonus of Shakespearety diapers) and the other will ask if we can go back to Disney every 3 minutes for months on end.
She being the one who actually gives a damn, my wife undertook the planning of the trip. I should mention here that planning is a bit of a pathologic condition for her. Previous trips have been so frantically paced as to allow half an hour to visit museums that took four hours to drive to, before driving four hours back; bathroom breaks must take no longer than the allotted time, you get the picture. Needless to say, the plans handle unforeseen delays like France handles Nazis.
I usually try to help out with the planning, both out of my compulsory need to help out and due to my frivolous desire to occasionally have the time to take a Shakespeare during a week of travel. My wife, however, had developed a demonic look in her eye. I'm sure you've seen it. It's the kind of demon that possesses ordinary women to cough up fifty bucks to deck their kid out in a outfit emblazoned with ponies and princesses, even though the kid sees it as a wearable vomit rag. All my attempts to help went unheeded. There were live characters to meet. And none of us would get to take a Shakespeare.
It was at this time that my wife found crack. "Crack" in this case means a little book called "The Unofficial Guide to Disney World." It is a nefarious tome that allows people to focus their anxiety and competitiveness full force upon their children. It analyzes different areas of the theme parks on their live-character-to-child ratios, line lengths based on times of day, monorail and ferry speeds, all the things that give the makers of Paxil wet dreams.
The best example, and I wish I was making this up, comes from a section on getting advance tickets to Cinderella's Breakfast (excerpts covered by fair use):
The only way to get a table is to obtain an Advance Reservation through Disney reservations. You must call [deleted] at 7a.m. EST exactly 180 days before the day you want to eat at Cinderella's. If you live in California, you have to get up at 4 a.m. Pacific time to call ...
There are more than 100 reservationists on duty, and most Advance reservations can be assigned in two minutes or less. Thus, coveted seats go quickly, selling out as early as 7:02 on many days ...
Disney does not calibrate its clock with the correct time as determined by the U.S. Naval Observatory or the National Institute of Standards and Technology, but we conducted tests and determined that Disney reservation-system clocks are accurate to within one to three seconds ...
... synchronize your watch TO THE SECOND. About 18 to 20 seconds before 7 A.M.. dial [deleted], waiting to dial the final [digit] until 7 seconds before the hour...
As soon as a live DRC agent comes on the line, interrupt immediately and say, " I need Cindy's breakfast, for May 1, for four people, any available time" (substituting your own breakfast or lunch dates, of course). Don't engage in "good mornings" or other pleasantries. Time is of the essence. You can apologize later to the DRC agent for your momentary rudeness if you feel the need to do so, but she already knows what's going on. Don't try to pick a specific time. Doing so will seriously diminish your chances of getting an Advance Reservation...
On most days, a couple of hundred calls slam Disney's automated call-queuing system within milliseconds of one another. With this call volume, a 20th of a second or less can make the difference between getting a table and not getting one. As it happens, there are variables beyond your control. When you hit the first digit of a long distance number, your phone system leaps into action. As you continue entering digits, your phone system is already searching for the best path to the number you're calling. According to federal regulation, a phone system must connect the call to the target number within 20 seconds of your entering the last digit. In practice, most systems make the connection much faster, but your system could be pokey...
Make a test call to [deleted] at 7 a.m. EST a couple of days before you call in earnest. Using a stopwatch or the stopwatch function of your watch, time the interval between entering the last digit of the number and when the phone starts to ring.
All right now, be honest. Show of hands for who was thinking it was a good idea as they were reading it. My wife's is already up.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
6 votes
3.3
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Whistler P. McManus 186,133  44
05/11/2010 09:54 AM
I'm going to make two assumptions about you after reading that.
1. You are Poe whipped.
2. You aren't getting laid on a regular basis anyway.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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OmegaLazarus 247 10
05/11/2010 02:00 PM
Maybe I am a scientist at heart, but I like this. This is the kind of info that would take the work off of me when I plan. I just want things done the best way and either I have to do the leg work myself, or something like that guide exists and takes care of some of it for me. My friends all freak about this, but it helps.
Power to your wife, but sadly, you are Poe whipped.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Ceci n'est pas une Phla 131,068 34
05/11/2010 08:43 PM
Dude, Cinderella's a bitch.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Thud 68,525 19
05/11/2010 09:21 PM
Sleeping Beauty is easy.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/12/2010 06:10 AM
We used "The Unofficial Guide" when we went to Disney a few years back. Fortunately, I've got boys, so we didn't have to worry about dining with no freaking princesses.
Instead, we dined with Pluto, who I kept referring to as "Goofy" and only realized my mistake when we were on the plane back home.
Great article -- thanks for posting, we hope you'll come back for more!
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