The Infiltrator: Undercover Angel A comedy article
by Harmon Leon 2,232 7 05/11/2010 05:05 PM 2293 views
I use to think the Guardian Angels were the hall monitors of society. A vigilante group in red berets without actual legal power. A club for people who legally want to join a gang. A gang of good! I always felt annoyed by their presence. To begin with, I don't like authority figures, let alone volunteer authority figures.
I needed to find out more. What makes them tick? What are their likes and dislikes? Do they like soup? Are they nice?!
So I threw aside past prejudices and joined up with the Venice Beach Guardian Angel Chapter. I was sold by the recruitment flyer. A multi-cultural mix of Angels are on the front; emblazoned below are the words "You CAN Make a Difference!"
It's time to wash the scum off the streets. Yes, I, Harmon Leon, will make a difference!
MY PREPARATION:
- 1 Gung Ho attitude
- 6 Cups of coffee for a shaky effect
- 1 Spice Girls T-shirt
- 1 Catchphrase ("Gotta Get My Shakespeare Together!") NOTE: I've changed all the names -- not to protect the innocent, but to protect my ass from being kicked.
TIME TO JOIN!
The Venice Beach Guardian Angels have hit on hard times. It just restarted three months ago, after some of the original members were booted for taking some of the group's petty cash. The headquarters is located in a row of apartments on the beach; the actual building looks like a crack pad. It's situated amongst shops selling bad T-shirts, amputee dwarf rap-singers, fat German tourists, and naked women sculpted in sand, all set against the backdrop of Baywatch-style lifeguard stands.
"Everyone Entering HQ Will Be Searched!" reads the sign outside. I enter. The place is pumping with testosterone. Immediately I'm searched, manhandled, and asked about my possession of knives. "We treat members like brothers, but watch them like hawks!" says the manhandler at the door.
"Hey, you dropped something"
Inside, there are three Angels. One is overweight, wearing soiled purple sweatpants, rocking back and forth in a chair. I catch the tail end of his conversation: "...and I use to smoke pot three times a day." He's the obligatory misfit fat guy out of an 80's sitcom. For ease of remembering him, I nickname him "Tubby."
I go up to the Angel behind the desk. "I'd like to join!"
We shake hands in the "cool-guy" fashion. He looks almost surprised. "Why do you want to be a Guardian Angel?"
"Gotta get my Shakespeare together!"
He gives me the spiel. "We are peace-keepers. Even when there's trouble, our job is to keep the peace. We want to build up and train this chapter, so eventually we can go into other neighborhoods and patrol."
During this talk, Tubby is wandering around. "When do I get a red jacket? I really like a red jacket," says Tubby.
I fill out the Guardian Angels application. To become a Guardian Angel, it mostly involves not previously stabbing someone. Also, fitting into the red beret. On the application, not only do you get to fill in your name, but also a "code-name." For my code-name, I put "Cha-Chi." This is fun. It's like having a CB handle.
I hand my application back to the Angel behind the desk. "Any questions?" he asks.
"Yeah, why the red berets?"
"It's a symbol people use to identify with us."
"I've been here a week, and I'd really like a red jacket," adds Tubby.
"Welcome to the Guardian Angels, Cha-Chi!"
GUARDIAN ANGEL EQUIPMENT NEEDED:
- 1 red beret
- 1 Guardian Angel T-shirt ("Safety Patrol" written on patrol leader's shirt)
- 1 walkie-talkie/cellphone (patrol leader only)
GUARDIAN ANGEL SUGGESTED ITEMS:
- 1 good, comfortable pair of shoes
- 1 desire to make a difference!
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