Once upon a time, I worked at Starbucks. Until I was fired.
I was let go for joking around too much with my fellow employees. But despite being fired for humor, I harbor no ill feelings toward the company. In fact, I kind of miss it. The only thing I needed from Starbucks was a sense of closure.
And that's how I ended up spending 24 consecutive hours in a Houston Starbucks.
Having spent 24 hours in Walmart several months ago, I figured this task would be a breeze. I was wrong. Mentally, Starbucks was even more challenging than Walmart, due to the pressures of being confined to a smaller space, and several kilograms of caffeine coursing through my system.
To keep people up to the minute on my Starbucks prison sentence, I made a Twitter and updated it frequently. Here are a few of my choicest tweets, so that you may get a better understanding of my jittery, hyperactive, daylong experience.
The scene outside of Starbucks just before midnight. My fans? Unlikely. 11:59 PM via Twitterrific
As I walked up to the store, I felt somewhat intimidated by my task. But then I saw all these people waiting for my grand entrance, and knew I'd be just fine.
And so, it begins... 12:02 AM May 13th via Twitterrific
Two minutes in, and I felt great. I surveyed the store and the restroom, then made my way to the line to order a drink. Oh, and that bulge in my left pant leg is exactly what you think it is, ladies: my car keys.
This is Joel. He told me "having a good camera will get you laid -- a lot." Thanks Joel. 1:01 AM May 13th via Twitterrific
This guy was awesome. We talked for quite a while, about all sorts of stuff. I noticed his camera and mentioned that it looked pretty sweet. He immediately started telling me about his many sexual conquests, which he credited to his camera. Meanwhile, I stared sadly at my flaccid cameraphone.
They wouldn't let me challenge them even after I claimed to be a world master at backgammon. 1:55 AM May 13th via Twitterrific
Actual conversation:
Me: Hey, can I play winner?
Guy 1: No.
Me: Why not?
Guy 1: Because we are playing.
Me: But you don't understand, I'm in this place for 24 hours! C'mon, let's have one game after this one.
Guy 2: Please go away.
I went away.
2 hours 15 minutes in. Drank vanilla latte, vanilla bean frapp, white mocha, green tea lemonade: all tall. Please bring defibrillator. 2:18 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
After two hours and fifteen minutes of nonstop caffeine ingestion, I thought I knew what it felt like for my heart to be racing. I assure you, I had no idea. Later, I would find out the real meaning of "caffeine rush."
This is Joel taking a picture. 2:38 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
This blonde is who he is taking a picture of. 2:39 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
Here is Joel again. After I made a couple of rounds, I went back and talked to him. He started snapping pictures of random things. Honestly, it's not creepy; he's into for the art. Oh, and that blonde girl's ass.
If anyone is following these tweets live at 4:10am cst, all I have to say to you is: Go to bed you idiot. 4:13 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
Seriously, people.
This guy has the right idea: His belly looks comfy to sleep on. 4:16 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
I was tempted to see if I could balance a drink on his belly, but I feared he might create a black hole and I would be sucked into another dimension that doesn't have Twitter.
Sitting outside, watching the sun rise. Dear birds, don't dookie on me. thx. 6:16 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
This was a nice moment. It was the only time that it was actually quiet for a couple of minutes -- and then the birds came. I'm not exaggerating when I say that five hundred birds suddenly appeared out of nowhere, flapping their wings like their lives depended on it (which they do). I went back inside and watched the rest of the sunrise from the safety of the store, where I wouldn't be attacked by a Hitchcock movie.
I asked for a breakfast drink and they made me this. It tastes like Crunch Berries Cereal. 6:22 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
I still have the taste of this thing in my mouth. It was sensational. When I worked for Starbucks, we never made anything that tasted nearly this good. Honestly, I would eat anything if it tasted like this, even rubber. Hell, I would drink a Gulf of Mexico smoothie if it tasted like this. (Too soon?)
So many good looking couples are here now getting breakfast... probably up late last night "doing next year's taxes." 7:22 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
It was unreal. Just after 7:00 a.m., a boatload of people rushed into Starbucks -- all young couples. I was astonished. Some of them looked groggy and disheveled, but the majority were very "lovey dovey, the world tastes like candy and gumdrops." I need a girlfriend, or perhaps a better camera.
I'm about to be interviewed by The Houston Chronicle. w00t? Definitely w00t. 8:14 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
I had a few media interviews -- check out the Houston Chronicle video, and the Neighborhood Media article. You're not supposed to film inside Starbucks, making the interviews a challenge.
Breakfast of champions. My GI tract hates me. 9:33 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
Normally, I love Rice Krispie Treats. But not when my blood caffeine level is .32%.
A customer just told me "the reason you're hurting is cause your body is making too much penicillin." when I told him I'm crashing. 10:48 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
This was awesome. I was talking to a group of random guys about my experiment, explaining everything that I had consumed so far. One of the guys said that exact quote, and I nearly died from laughter -- and caffeine poisoning. I corrected him with "insulin," and we had a good laugh about it. Then I had a heart attack.
This is as far as I got on my cup pyramid before management asked for the cups back and told me not to try it again. 11:41 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
I spent a couple of hours in the early morning gathering cups to make this pyramid. I had a lot more cups, but they came and confiscated them from me. I'll never forget you, cups. Never.
I was halfway through my experiment, but the fun was only beginning. Read on.
Please continue to Part 2: The Final Twelve Hours!
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