The Starbucks Experiment: 24 Hours Trapped Inside Starbucks, Part 2
A comedy article
by Bayan Rabbani  2,826  14
05/18/2010 06:41 PM 13245 views
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I was on the back half of my experiment to spend 24 consecutive hours in Starbucks [read Part 1 here]. Now the lunchtime crowd was about to save me.
Just dominated this random girl at Candy Land. 1:07 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
This girl, Jessica, helped me keep my sanity. Coincidentally, she was hanging out at Starbucks for most of the day waiting for some friends to pick her up later, so we had a good game of Candy Land and talked for a bit. Jessica, this is my shout out to you.
I tried to join this group of bigwigs in their meeting. They said no. :( 2:49 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
Three execs were having what appeared to be an informal meeting. I was sitting nearby and chimed in with some random jargon I remember from macroeconomics. They weren't impressed. I left.
15 hours, 11 restroom visits, and 16 drinks in. 3:06 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
At this point, it really felt like I was seeing things. The drinks weren't the worst part, it was mostly the restroom. My bladder began to hurt. Later, it would go numb.
Showed a Barista this and demanded a frappuccino with those ingredients or I'd sue for false advertising. She laughed. 3:29 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
I saw this ad on the door. Desperate for nutrition, I would have willingly paid whatever they wanted, if only it included all those ingredients. I don't know if they even have all those ingredients.
It feels like my body is throwing up from the outside into my insides. Trust me, in my delirious condition it makes perfect sense. 3:45 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
For some reason, my skin began to feel really hot. I ran to the restroom thinking I would barf, but I managed to keep everything inside.
Half price frappuccinos from 3-5pm. This is how I look after my third in that span. 4:54 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
I was so damn wired. After my body calmed down from the scare earlier, I knew I had to ingest a few more fabulous drinks. The camera is not blurry here; my body is actually vibrating.
3 times in 8 hours I've asked for a paper job application, and each time a different barista tells me it's only online. I'm not convinced. 6:07 PM May 14th via web
Back in my day, you could walk into an establishment, and ask for work. Now with all their fancy Internets and iPods, you can't do that anymore.
Management/corporate didn't like the pictures that were taken for my interviews. This is them. 6:56 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
In the midst of my second media interview, they were having some district meeting and kept looking over at us. Eventually, they told Sara (the reporter) to stop taking pictures. It was too late though, she already had the goods.
In the 19 hours and 20 min I have been here, the bathroom has not been cleaned once. I should know, I've used it 14 times. 7:22 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
After I tweeted this, I felt somewhat guilty until I realized that Starbucks needs to do a better job of cleaning the restrooms. One of the employees (who is now a dear Facebook friend of mine) was following my tweets, saw it, and had the bathrooms cleaned. Technology FTW.
So apparently, management doesn't like it when you bring in another brand of coffee and ask them to brew it for you. 7:50 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
A special thanks to ZUG reader Fratberry for inspiring this idea. It was hilarious.
Somehow the night manager knows I planned on playing espresso pong tonight. He told me I can't do it on Starbucks property. It's raining. 8:47 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
I'm assuming the manager read my interview where I talked about playing espresso pong with some of the customers, and that's why he immediately put a stop to it. Undeterred, I tried again an hour and a half later.
Tried setting up espresso pong anyway. This is as far as I got before the manager reminded me he'll kick me out. 10:16 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
Epic fail. I was nearly kicked out, and so close to 24 hours.
Tears of joy. A real fan emailed me this. 8:48 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
This is the greatest thing that I can imagine receiving, except if it wasn't a dude. Someone please tell me: do I get a restraining order, or am I supposed to be flattered?
Just ordered the longest named drink at Starbucks, it'll take 2 tweets: tall, sugar-free, non-fat, vanilla soy, double shot 10:55 PM May 14th via web
Decaf, no foam, extra hot, peppermint white chocolate mocha, light whip, extra syrup 10:57 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
This is the longest drink that I could find on the Internet, clocking in at 38 syllables. It even took two tweets. They made it for me, and it tasted AWESOME.
24 HOURS, 19 RESTROOM BREAKS, 25 DRINKS! I DID IT!!!! 12:03 AM May 14th via Twitterrific
I used the restroom nineteen times. NINETEEN TIMES! Ahhhh! After about the fifteenth time, I couldn't feel my bladder. It was just one continuous cycle of numbness.
To celebrate my victory, I tried standing on a chair and announcing to the crowd in Starbucks the feat I had just accomplished, but management wasn't having it. I'm glad I finished though, I made no one proud.
Officially, I spent $61.27 on drinks, a couple of sandwiches, and the Candy Land game. But it was a small price to pay for getting closure on this chapter of my life. I can now honestly say I never want to set foot in a Starbucks again.
I'd like to express my gratitude for all the ZUG readers who submitted ideas to me for things to do during my 24 hour stay, especially Midgets, Mailman, Brad Poynter, and Fratberry. Thanks again for following the Twitter, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I look forward to next time.
Wait ... next time?
Bayan Rabbani is a comedy writer for ZUG who encourages you to follow his personal Twitter feed, which rarely involves coffee. And don't miss The Walmart Experiment, where Bayan spends 24 hours locked inside a Super Walmart.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.6
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
05/18/2010 06:43 PM
Awesome. Thank you for risking your nervous system, so that we might laugh.
Going live on the homepage today.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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BC Bud 13,693 15
05/18/2010 07:06 PM
Is it just me or does the frappucino add on the door have legs?
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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James T. Midgets 93,936 47
05/18/2010 07:46 PM
Finally, I made a list!
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.0
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molamolacolacake 8 4
05/18/2010 10:15 PM
So my question now is: What exactly is this Starbucks smoothie that tastes like crunch berries? Because, that sounds amazing.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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Chimichanga Whack 61,959 36
05/18/2010 10:39 PM
I actually enjoy this dude and I really wish he'd stick around on the boards more and use teh funny to drown out the retardation and fuel my constant need to ogle brown men. Alas.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Bayan Rabbani 2,826 14
05/19/2010 07:28 PM
I actually enjoy this dude and I really wish he'd stick around on the boards more and use teh funny to drown out the retardation and fuel my constant need to ogle brown men. Alas.
I'm going to do a better job of hanging out here on a consistent basis. Thanks though, I don't know you, but I like you. A lot. Too much? Maybe.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Thud 66,695 17
05/19/2010 07:38 PM
Is it possible to like the Taco too much?
Oops.
Uh...
Nevermind.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Pram 78,178 40
05/19/2010 07:52 PM
Tears of joy. A real fan emailed me this. 8:48 PM May 14th via Twitterrific
Heh, more like Titterific.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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StaticSim 7 4
05/21/2010 10:53 AM
Crunchberry. That is all.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Ed Harris 21 5
05/21/2010 06:37 PM
Sheesh! I hate coffee so I probably would have starved to death.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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harvey_birdman 15 4
05/26/2010 09:55 AM
This is the worst thing ever written on the internet. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your parents must be disappointed. Please kill yourself to remove your defective genes from society. In fact, please kill yourself at a family reunion with a hand grenade to take out as many people related to you as possible. Thank you.
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.6
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
05/26/2010 10:46 AM
This is the worst thing ever written on the Internet
Except, of course, for the post insulting the worst thing ever written on the Internet.
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Phuc 237,453 20
05/26/2010 01:44 PM
Holy crap, wigga! You made it onto Huffington Post!
That oughta chase away the remaining teabaggers.
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0 votes
0.0
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rethefirst 0 4
05/28/2010 10:45 AM
So lame.
Dude, you'd never make it as a regular customer,never mind as a barista. You did not drink that much caffeine. You drank a LOT of sugar, which of course will make you feel sick. Use what God gave ya!
Not well written.
Not well executed.
I'm surprised more customers didn't bitch slap you.
Bringing your own dirt coffee-not funny. Very amateur and immature.
re the captain crunch Frapp-which is NOT a smoothie. It's a strawberries 'n cream with hazelnut added to it .
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0 votes
0.0
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rethefirst 0 4
05/28/2010 10:48 AM
btw, that is not even close to being the longest drink you can order.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Fratberry 277,318 52
05/28/2010 11:06 AM
A special thanks to ZUG reader Fratberry for inspiring this idea. It was hilarious.
Schweeeet.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
05/28/2010 11:39 AM
I'm glad to see a Starbucks "barrista" has stopped by to give technical criticism. It provides a perfect example of some of the many things I hate about Starbucks - the phony expertise and misappropriated elitism.
How's that liberal arts degree working out for you, Rethefirst?
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
05/28/2010 01:17 PM
phony expertise and misappropriated elitism
In an interesting coincidence, that also happens to be the title of my musicology dissertation.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
05/28/2010 02:39 PM
Rethefirst, thanks for clearing up the "Cap'n Crunch" ingredients, as a lot of people have been asking for that.
What IS the longest drink order? Someone pointed out that "grande" would be longer than "tall" by one syllable, but can you add more?
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Luke McKinney 11,088 110
07/13/2010 04:12 PM
Top-notch comedy Mr Rabbani, I'm looking forward to 24-hr fitness already!
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