Crappy Consumer Reports: 5 Sandwiches Worse Than KFC's Double Down
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,019  14
05/19/2010 04:43 PM 6611 views
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As a user of the Internet, you've no doubt by now heard of the Double Down, KFC's attempt to put an end to nutrition, forever. "It's got no bread!" slack-jawed onlookers shout, dismayed. "It's just bacon and cheese between two pieces of chicken!" exclaim horrified food critics. "Uh, you guys know this is from KFC, right?" every normal, sane person thinks to themselves, "you should be glad it's not stuffed in a bowl full of mashed potatoes and corn."
While we here at Crappy Consumer Reports are defintitely pro-fast food, our hearts go out to those of you who, due to the wave of ignominy and horror associated with the Double Down, are too ashamed to actually order one.
Worry not, dear reader, we have you covered with our report on Five Sandwiches Worse Than the Double Down. Next time you roll through a KFC drive-thru, you can rest assured that while you might not have made the best decision, you certainly didn't make the worst.
First, the facts: there ARE worse options available, but the Double Down will never be confused for a spinach salad. It weighs in at 540 calories (over a quarter of your recommended daily allowance), 32 grams of fat (half your recommended daily allowance), and 1380 milligrams of sodium (more than half your recommended daily allowance). We're not here to guilt you; we only mention these figures as baselines, so you can see how much worse the other options are:
#5 - McDonald's Chicken Selects
"But it's chicken!" you scream as sweet 'n sour dipping sauce runs down your chins, "It's GOT to be healthy! Don't take this away from me, goddammit!" Sorry, Jiggles, those "all white meat premium" chicken strips you order to avoid the lowbrow McNuggets are one of the worst items on the menu. In fact, you're actually better off ordering a Big Mac. But a Big Mac doesn't come sandwiched between two chicken breasts (although it might, if you get the right stoner at the drive-thru and ask nicely), so go for the Double Down!
Order a Double Down instead.
You Save: 120 calories, 8 grams of fat, 300 milligrams of sodium
You lose: The well-heeled sophistication of eating adult McNuggets.
#4 - Chipotle Steak Burrito
I know, I know, Food Inc. made it seem like Chipotle isn't terrible because they use chickens that get to see the sunlight before their heads are lopped off. Huzzah! It doesn't change the fact that you just ate a burrito the size of a newborn. Sure, the cow that got ground into your lunch may have been happier before the bolt gun was applied to her forehead, but you're still eating way too much of her (that's what she said). By the time you add cheese and sour cream to that hot mess, you've consumed over HALF your recommended calories for a day. You're a side order of guacamole away from suckin' dick for spare Jenny Craig points.
Order a Double Down instead.
You save: 490 calories, 8 grams of fat, 630 milligrams of sodium
You lose: The bizarre sense of satisfaction that comes with eating something the size, weight, and general shape of a baby.
#3 - Large Arby's Roast Beef 'n Cheddar
"But it's not a burger!" Yeah, but it IS Arby's, which is to people as eating grass is to dogs: it's great for clearing everything out, but not all that healthy. You might think a little change of pace from ground beef would do you some good, but you're still eating beef, and that's kind of the whole problem. Of course, piling on that oily "cheese" sauce only serves to remind you of the insides of your arteries.
Order a Double Down instead.
You save: 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 820 milligrams of sodium
You lose: Having to admit to yourself that you fell for that ridiculous "I'm thinkin' Arby's!" campaign that implies you like to think of yourself as having a giant orange cowboy hat hovering over your head at all times.
#2 - Burger King Triple Whopper
Come on. You honestly thought any fast food item with the word "triple" in it would be a better option? Are you Frost-ing retarded? Look at that thing up there! It's like a giant, greasy fist waiting to punch you in the heart. I have never seen a person actually order a Triple Whopper, and after eating BK's Triple Stacker for the Fast Food Burger Taste Test, I had stents installed throughout my circulatory system as a precaution.
Order a Double Down instead.
You save: 620 calories, 44 grams of fat
You lose: 210 milligrams of sodium. Fine, this is the better bet if you're a heart patient. With a deathwish. Of course you're also losing the unending shame spiral that erupts once you feel the burger grease run down your face and across both your chins.
#1 - Wendy's Baconator Triple
Again, always remember the Rule of Triple. Three times whatever low-grade meat they're slathering in oil-based cheese product is not going to be three times as good for you. Sure, you could go for the BLT Ranch Chicken Salad, but that's almost WORSE. If you're actually craving one of these monstrosities, please believe me when I say that the deliciousness is not worth the intestinal distress. And before you get all judgmental, I ate mine for science.
Eat a Double Down instead.
You save: 790 calories (That's like another entire burger), 54 grams of fat (you're saving more than double what you should normally eat in a meal anyway), 1770 milligrams of sodium (that's more than a second Double Down!)
You lose: The chance to buy one of those "extra wide" caskets.
Final Rankings:
Randall Cleveland is a big fat comedian based in St. Louis and Los Angeles who has no right making fun of these sandwiches in the first place because he's eaten most of them himself. You can read about his exploits at his blog, Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.4
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
05/19/2010 04:47 PM
Funny article -- going live on the homepage today.
Has anyone tried one of these things? I'd like to try one, but I'm scared. Also, a vegetarian.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.3
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Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,048 22
05/19/2010 04:56 PM
I'm not sure if they sell the Double Down in Canada, but I hope they do, since I like to have a snack between brunch and lunch.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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James T. Midgets 96,151 48
05/19/2010 04:59 PM
I won't knock the Double Down because I haven't yet tried one. I have seen several articles though that say KFC is full of Shakespeare and it's closer to 1200 calories.
I'll take death by Whopper any day.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Robb Posch 1,385 14
05/19/2010 05:22 PM
Any "special" sauce is disgusting. But squirt some BBQ sauce on that instead, now we're talking.
And I'm sure the actual nutrition falls somewhere in between the 540 KFC claims, and the 1200+ some blogs have claimed. They're not full sized chicken breasts, nor are they full-sized strips of bacon.
It's the novelty of the thing. Are we really losing anything by not having a fiber-less, enriched and bleached white flour bun? Nope. Hell, any efforts made to ditch those are a small victory.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Robb Posch 1,385 14
05/19/2010 05:25 PM
And for some real surprises to the nutritionally ignorant, we should see the comparisons between the "evil" Double Down, and the numerous fast food salads that the Double Down couldn't hope to reach in terms of high calorie, fat, and sodium counts.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Thud 68,525 19
05/19/2010 06:33 PM
So Robb, I'm guessing you work for KFC. Maybe in promotions? New menu item research?
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Robb Posch 1,385 14
05/19/2010 11:56 PM
No, I just got fed up from seeing all those articles about how it's the "Worst Food Item Ever" or a "Nutritional Abomination", while the people reading those articles downed Chicken BLT salads.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Dasypygal-unwaxed 14,811 17
05/20/2010 01:19 AM
I like gobs of creamy Ranch dressing with my tossed salad...just saying.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Ryan C 10 5
05/20/2010 05:13 AM
Last month I tried the " Double Down " and the " Tortada " in the same day. Our KFC and Taco Bell are within eyeshot of one another, and honestly 2 new food items in one day is something I just could not resist. If you guys do try the Double down be aware the grilled version (I had one of each the day they came out) is a lot messier than the original, thus all the shakespeare melts out from between the chicken. So in turn you are left with 2 pieces of grilled chicken with a tiny bit of cheese inside, and a wad of cheese/bacon/sauce in the wrapper. Needless to say I enjoyed the crispy version. Haha my first post on Zug and its about the DD, hazah!
Ryan
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Phuc 237,919 21
05/20/2010 08:12 AM
I've given up buying beef by-products from people who I wouldn't trust to clean a septic tank since this place opened.
Now my burger is served to me by a hippie who's a tad bitter because he's forced to wash his hands by the Man.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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StaticSim 7 5
05/20/2010 10:22 AM
Mmmmm heart attack, wrapped in a stroke....with a side of cardiac arrest...the thought makes me all warm inside. Anybody else wanna go grab a triple bypass at BK with me?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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the fun in dysfunctional 1,970 6
05/20/2010 11:18 AM
(703):
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
From Texts From Last Night.
Hey John, "Text's search function is awesome!
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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KChiki - Mistress of Space and Time 128,446 98
05/20/2010 11:30 AM
Am I the only one that looked at the KFC Double Down and thought, "Holy gawd, that looks absolutely delicious!!"?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Cyco de Mayo 11,330 11
05/20/2010 02:02 PM
No Baconzilla? I hear Fratberry is still screaming in terror from that.
mostly because he's still on the can crapping it out
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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RedRage187 153 7
05/20/2010 09:21 PM
I'm confused. Is this a list of what to eat or what not to eat? My stomach is growling now.
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