Hard Sell: My Prank Call on a Viagra Telemarketer A comedy article
by John Hargrave 128,751 73 05/21/2010 07:18 PM 20347 views
I recently got a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me Viagra, which is like the atomic bomb of telemarketer awfulness. I guess I've asked for it, as I've pranked these Viagra spam companies in the past. But this was such an unusual call that I started recording the call. He was really giving me the hard sell, so to speak.
This was not the usual telemarketer script; he talked about "multiple sessions," "rock-hard erections" and "hours of pleasure." It was somewhere between telemarketing and phone sex. It was an obsales phone call. I asked if he'd be willing to call back when my lover and I were in the midst of power scrogging. He really wanted to sell me some Viagra, so he said yes.
The following Thursday, I was ready for him. Click the video to listen.
THE FIRST CALL
VIAGRA TELEMARKETER: So today we're calling up our privileged customers, John, and giving them one more discount. Now John, which pill do you think is working good for you? Is it the Viagra 100mg, or the Cialis 20mg?
JOHN HARGRAVE: I would say it's mostly the Viagra, when inserted into the urethra. With a hypodermic needle.
VT: [Pause] Okay. Now, this will give you a rock-solid erection, and it will also increase your sexual desire, so that you get a chance to go for multiple sessions in a single night. Okay?
JH: OH YES! Can you call me while I'm actually making love, so I can tell you when it happens? Because I have a very short term memory.
VT: All right John, that's not a problem with me. So when do you want me to give you a call?
JH: She's menstruating right now, so it's going to have to be 4-5 days. But, you know, that's never stopped us before. Who am I kidding.
VT: Can I call you back in five days from today? By the end of this week?
JH: I'll put us down for noon on Thursday.
VT: Perfect.
THE FOLLOWUP CALL
VT: Hello?
JH: [Moaning, grunting] How you doing?
VT: I'm doing great. How are you doing, John?
JH: So good. So good. Oh. Oh. WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR GRANDDADDY? [Slap]
VT: [Awkward silence]
JH: So, Kevin, this Viagra is working pretty good.
VT: So Viagra works good for you, right John?
JH: Uh huh. [Grunts, bedsprings]
VT: I just wanted to know, as I mentioned to you the other day, the pill that I am offering you is more effective than Viagra, it's also going to be 100% herbal and safe, which will not give you any kind of side effects...
JH: OH! WHO'S YOUR ANCESTOR?! [Slap] Go ahead.
VT: Okay, so as I was informing you, this pill that I am offering you, would actually be lasting longer in bed...
JH: Talk about the multiple erections! SLOWLY!
VT: Multiple sessions, up to 3 to 5 times.
JH: WHO'S YOUR TAXIDERMIST?! [Slap] WHO'S YOUR ACTUARY!? [Slap]
VT: [Silence]
JH: Oh, Kevin. She really likes this. You want to pull that panda bear in here, baby? Hold on, Kevin. We've got a live panda.
PANDA: RRRHHHH! GRRRRHHHH!
JH: That's it, baby. Do that panda. Oh yeah. Finger that panda.[/quote]
PANDA: GRRRRRHHHHH! GORRRRHHH!
JH: I'm sorry Kevin, go ahead.
VT: OK, not a problem. It's OK, John.
JH: Got a three-way with a panda going on.
VT: You'll receive this product in just 10 to 15 working days from today. I also can call you back in 15 to 20 working days, okay, for a free [unintelligible over panda sex]. Okay, John?
JH: OW! THE PANDA BIT ME! OW! OW! SON OF A! OH!
VT: [Silence]
JH: All right. Hold on. Regroup. Back in the zone. Okay.
VT: [Silence]
JH: All right, what do we need to do to close this deal here, baby?
VT: Well, I have your information, as your first name and last name...
JH: No, I was talking to Jezebel. I was talking to Jezebel. Hold on. Okay, like that? All right. Okay. Kevin, what do we need to do to close this deal, baby?
VT: Okay, I need the numbers on the face of your credit card.
JH: Okay. 4 ... 1 ... 4 ... 7...
PANDA: RORRRHHH! GRRRRHHHH!
JH: 2 ... 0 ... 2 ... OH!
PANDA: HHHRRRRR!
JH: 4 ... 4 ... 2 ... 3!
PANDA: GORRRRHHHH!
JH: 7 ... 6! AH. OH ... OH! OH! OH!
VT: Hello?
JH: Ahhh. Kevin, you still there?
VT: Yeah, I'm with you. Can we start the numbers all over again, John, if you don't mind?
JH: Oh, Kevin. I lost my credit card in the panda's hoo-hoo.
I'd like to say that's the first time I've ever heard Jade make those kind of noises but until I got the restraining order against her she was all the time emailing me her try out videos and sound tapes.
I have to say the panda effects were a definite improvement.
The pandas over the computer speakers gave my cats this really creepy, randy look a la John Turturro's "Jesus"... I'm thinking we're sleeping with the door closed tonight...
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