Hefei (prounounced hu-Frost!) china, circa halloween 2007.
We had bussed in from ningbo. Along the way (8 hour bus ride), we stopped at a little store to stretch our legs and get some food, which I did. We'll call that "mistake #1". We get into the hotel at around 10 am, and I ordered some lunch (Szechuan hot pot). Ate some of that, and went to bed to take a nap before I had to go unload trucks at 6 pm (this was for a touring musical, which is why I found myself in china in the first place).
Anyway, I woke up at around 5 pm, and something was rotten in the state of denmark. My gut was doing some interesting things for sure, but I figured "ahh, it'll only be a couple hours at work, I'll be ok". Mistake #2.
We cabbed it over to the theatre, which was a tiny Shakespearehole, and started trying to find the trucks and laborers with which to unload them. By this point in time I've realized my mistake, as my stomach felt like Kuato and the baby chestburster alien were having rowdy anal sex in it. Since we hadn't found the trucks yet, I decided to risk checking the bathroom.
Don't trust the Frostin' bean dip.
I headed to the bathroom, and there was only one western toilet in it, the other six stalls being squatty potties. I checked out the western stall and DEAR GOD! It made the secret door toilet from desperado look like a Kohler advertisement. I turned away, to check for another bathroom, when I inadvertently let loose with an ass-cheek palpating fart that sounded distinctly like "QUAAADE!". With no other recourse in sight, I lept straight for the first squatty.
not your friend
I should note, I'm 6'4" and 280 lbs, so dropping trou to do the deed wasn't the easiest of things to do in a 2.5" wide stall with a hole in the middle of the floor. Regardless, I was quickly running out of time, as Kuato was starting the reactor without me, and by this point I just wanted to make sure I didn't free mars all over my pants. Finally, I thought I had got it: knees touching the walls, pitched forward slightly, head leaning on the outward opening stall door (mistake #3). In position, I let loose with an explosive burst of such magnitude that I lost my balance, knocked the door open, and pitched head forward into the floor, landing ass up in the air, bowels evacuating uncontrollably, my own little spasmodic Shakespeare-fountain. As soon as I was able, I got back into position to finish the deed. Once round 1 had subsided, I surveyed the damage. Ever wonder what the wall would look like if the Shakespeare truly hit the fan? well, I don't have to any more, since the stall had a nice spattered line starting at the toilet and going up the back wall, stopping about three feet high, my own little abstract fecal "L" bracket.
Luckily enough, I managed to miss myself and my clothing, so I cleaned up, closed the stall door (never to return again), and went out to see how load out was going. My boss (We'll call him Sam), noted that I looked a little flushed. I told him "Don't order the special".
Tl:DR Don't eat food from chinese rest stops unless you want to respackle a bathroom stall.
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