Curiosity: It drives cats to their untimely deaths, normal scientists to win Nobel prizes, and me to do things involving explosives and fire. This time it has led to me to wonder about the following scenario.
It's December 21st, 2012. Model rocket in hand, you head out to the local launch pad and begin the preparations for a fabulous day of rocketeering. Suddenly: ARMAGEDDON! Floods, volcanoes and the Twilight saga destroy every part of the earth, except the hill you're standing on. Standing there, you realize that not only will you die completely alone, but you're also hungry.
Luckily, you have some sausage links in your pocket, but how will you cook them? You look at the rocket engine resting gently in your hand and the solution dawns upon you ... but will it work?
This is a situation we've all wondered about, and most scientists agree it's an incredibly likely scenario. So that's why I had to find out: can a rocket engine cook your sausage?
Rocket sausage.
The Planning
My first idea was to tie the sausages behind the engine and launch them both. My calculations indicated that while the comedy potential would be increased by a factor of ten, the drag of the flopping sausage would alter the trajectory of the rocket. I quickly mothballed this idea until someone invents a more aerodynamic sausage.
Both the rocket and the sausage had to remain stationary. I decided I would put the engine in a pipe, and bury it in the ground, ass end upward. The force would be directed downward, so the engine couldn't get loose and chase me around. The last thing I need is a rocket-powered colonoscopy.
Engine specs or B-movie titles?
I started researching the best engine for the task at hand. There were all kinds to choose from, including some that you need a license to order. I didn't want my sausage blown apart by too much thrust (not a euphemism), and I needed the longest burn time possible. With these specs, I ended up choosing the Apogee F10-4 with its 7.8 second burn time. It was also the biggest I could buy without a license.
The odds that there was an 80's garage band named Apogee are astronomically high.
I built a simple, effective ignition system. Using a length of speaker wire, I attached one end to a standard rocket engine igniter, and the other to the posts of my truck battery.
What does a battery say when it meditates? Ohmmmmm
The Preparation
First, I needed something that would keep the rocket engine in one place. I used the top of an old jack stand, packing the rocket into the oversized tube with non-flammable salt.
The Holey Grail
The only kosher element of this experiment
I taped over the holes, placed the engine inside, and poured the salt in, packing it down tightly. The engine and its housing were now ready.
Rocket au salt
Next, I had to engineer a system that would prevent my sausage from flying into the air when the engine was ignited. I hacked together this setup using steel posts, barbecue grills, and a frying pan turned upside down.
Normally, not the correct way to use a skillet
To hold this all in place, I brought in a 26-pound cinderblock, then placed the concrete pumpkin on top of that. The specs said the engine will only lift a half a pound, but safety is always my number one concern, especially when cooking with a rocket engine.
If Optimus Prime ever got stoned, it might look something like this
I dug a hole in the fire pit, placed the engine assembly inside, then inserted the igniter into the engine and strung the wire.
NOT a pipe bomb (but good Lord it looks like one)
All that was left to do was to pull the meat out of the freezer, and start the cameras rolling. It was time to cook up some results.
Please continue to Part 2: The Experiment!
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