The Chip Flavor Experiment A comedy article
by Luke McKinney 11,088 110 06/09/2010 11:42 AM 5261 views
Quick: name a multi-million dollar industry that exists only to lie to innocent children.
Hundreds of bags of LIES
Yes, CHIPS! The industry that tells kids that cheese is a neon orange powdered chemical, BBQ doesn't involve meat, and "dill pickle" flavoring is fit for human consumption. That's why I'll be exposing the TRUTH, by trying strangely-flavored chips, side-by-side with what they're supposed to be flavored like.
The average bag of chips has undergone more chemical processing than Agent Orange, and probably tastes worse. Call me old Mr. Traditional, but when you've reached your five-hundredth artificial additive and it still tastes worse than biting your own tongue, it may be time to rethink your approach.
Which the chip people did. Instead of claiming that these things were enjoyable, they started inferring that they were horribly addictive...
Tell me this video wouldn't fit halfway through Trainspotting
Or that no flavor at all is an option...
And in the last gasp of a desperate and clueless industry, that chips were X-treme.
Pringles, you couldn't make cheddar extreme if you filled the tube with dynamite and sat on it.
The only way they could insult you harder is by putting two flavors in one bag and acting as if that was an actual thing.
Doritos to customer: WE THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT
They've even started asking their own customers what the new flavors should be, a sign which should trigger the shutdown of any industry. When you're specifically asking advice from people whose defining trait is "covered in Cheetos dust"? You're beyond the help of Chairman Kaga riding on Gordon Ramsay like a culinary Master Blaster.
And in most American cities it's still easier to get a family-sized bag of Jalapeno-discs than a crust of bread. In the old days, general stores sold farming tools, firearms, and beef jerky for those days it was going to take you a little while to kill your own healthy eatin'. The only way it could have been manlier is if you had to screw a cheerleader to get in.
Things have changed.
The modern convenience store: only convenient if you're a suicidally diabetic ant who wants their last thought to be about Lindsay Lohan.
I'm a recovered chipaholic. I grew up in Ireland, when the ten-pence crisp reigned supreme. I used to buy twenty packs and settle down in front of The A-Team, but when I moved to America I noticed that the average bag of chips was as big as the back end of tractor, and tasted about as good. So I don't eat them, because every gram of fat you don't enjoy is one more rib you didn't eat before the coronary.
Until now.
I'm going to eat all the chips, along with what they're claiming to taste like.
Tell my aorta, passer-by, that here, by unsaturated fats, it dies.
Hey now! Ketchup chips are awesome. I discovered them when I went to Canada for the first time and became addicted immediately. Unfortunately Lay's doesn't make them in the US (bastards!) but there are other brands if you look for 'em.
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