The Chip Flavor Experiment Part 3: Let's Get Saucy
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
06/09/2010 12:51 PM 3761 views
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I'm touring the tastes of potato chips, comparing them to the actual flavor they claim on the package (read Part 1 here). I'm expecting this to be less a Captain Planet "Our Powers Combined" (which solves all your problems) and more a Destructicon combination (a huge lumbering horror that destroys goodness.)
BBQ
I hate to break it to you, but BBQ isn't a flavor. It isn't even a word. If you extend it to "barbecue," it still isn't a taste: it's a cooking technique, a noun and -- if you really push things -- an adjective.
Not pictured: barbecue. That's a grill. Everyone makes that mistake, it's only a big deal when it's your job to make BBQ flavor.
The only way chips could taste of barbecue is if they built a large brick pit around your tongue and cooked it for a long time over low heat. Luckily, they are just chips, free of the petty constraints of "using words for what they actually mean," so they just use chemicals.
BBQ TIMES TWO
Entering into the spirit of not knowing what a BBQ is, I used some BBQ sauce.
The chips might think it's unfair that I bring a World Famous sauce against chips clearly designed only for Ancient Holland, but screw them -- I didn't come into their house claiming to capture an entire style of cookery in vegetable oil.
Real BBQ sauce (which is to real BBQ what Pokemon are to real dinosaurs) delivered on a BBQ crisp is like a nuclear warhead delivered by a vegan. It demolishes the negligible food experience of the messenger, and even the chips I ate afterwards felt utterly flavorless. The difference is so extreme the sauce can posthumously kick the chip's ass.
After three experiments, I should point out that my stomach's rumbling like a Chernobylian reactor on a technician's lunch break. I should also point out that in the Chicken Wing Suicides experiment, where I ate kilos of chemically-corrupted chicken, that didn't start happening until after the fourth test. Whatever these "chips" are made of is so unnatural, I'm expecting either death or inhuman powers. Likely, I will welcome either.
Ketchup
Continuing the condimental trend I moved on to Ketchup, a flavor for people too lazy to actually involve real tomatoes.
When you're warning people it's only a simulation of the flavor of a sauce of an original product, you're further from fresh food than listening to a robot describe it over a broken phone.
Ketchup-flavored chips know exactly what people think are "good" chips and mine that oxymoron for all it's worth. Every chip is covered in red dust (which we remember from Monster Munch as being the best ones), tingling your tongue, crunching very loudly, and basically doing everything they can to fool you into thinking you're eating actual food.
To reward myself for bravery, I brought the bag of Lay's Ketchup into my favorite bar to compare them with real chips (a.k.a. fries) and ketchup. This was on par with bringing an non-housebroken puppy into the Sistine Chapel, but for ZUG Experimentation I will do anything!
Far right: another thing I do for ZUG! You're welcome!
After all I'd eaten, the fries were like manna from Heaven, and while they're not exactly the healthiest thing in the world (in the same way a grenade is a non-ideal baby's rattle), after 150 grams of fat, the spicy sauce felt like fresh fruit growing from the hand of the Christ.
Playing Ketchup
This felt like scratching my back with the Mona Lisa.
You know those cardboard cut-outs of The Hulk they put outside the movie theater? Imagine throwing one of those at the actual Hulk. The real ketchup obliterated the taste harder than if it had gone back in time and killed Mr Lay's parents.
NOTE: After putting the chips away in abject disgust, I forgot all about them. (Beer does that.) I found the opened packet three days later, and they were still crunchy. I don't know what synthetic abomination makes that possible, but I'm fairly sure Skynet uses it in Terminator armor.
Frito-Lay's chief nutritionist
Please continue to Part 4: The Best of Chips, the Worst of Chips!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.3
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Gonzo 20,504  16
06/09/2010 07:54 PM
I thought they called them "crisps" or "slices" or "queefs" or something in Canada, didn't they?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Bean 7,930 17
06/09/2010 10:28 PM
Where the hell do you find something like ketchup flavored potato chips?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Crip Walkin' Ravos 62,361 20
06/10/2010 08:32 AM
Canada. And we call them chips.
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0 votes
0.0
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Utaro 34 5
06/11/2010 12:34 AM
Does that jar of barbecue Sauce (which looks like relish, by the way) actually say "Saki Teriyaki?" For one thing, "saki" is not even close to the correct pronunciation (and I'm offended on behalf of my language), but I feel that it's ironic that the barbecue sauce is teriyaki flavor, after you pointing out that barbecue is not, in fact, a flavor. Why do I feel that way? Teriyaki also is not a flavor, but a cooking technique.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Thud 66,695 17 straight faced
06/11/2010 12:53 AM
Please, tell us more.
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