The Chip Flavor Experiment Part 5: Beyond The Bounds Of Flavor!
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
06/09/2010 01:53 PM 3312 views
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Never mind the Illuminati electrospies and the Freemason's moonbase, the real international web of deceit is chip flavors (read Part 1 here). I'm eating every chip with what they claim they're based on, and now we come to our horrifying ending.
SPECIAL SHAME BONUS: SPICE 2.0
If there's one thing that proves an idiotic buzzword has moved past idiocy and into a strange new place that actually subtracts intelligence, this is it:
Just look at this thing:
So is this an incredible cyber-version capable of outperforming the real thing? That doesn't work with genetically engineered supersoldiers, never mind spices.
But first, prepare yourself for the saddest thing.
This is the high point of a real human being.
Well done, Jeff Chan, you're now internationally renowned as the least imaginative man in the world. Seriously, you're asked to name a spicy flavor and the best you can come up with is Spice 2, proving you attended kindergarten ... and adding a "point-oh" on the end only makes even your ability to count sound stupid.
Spice 0.2
For the record, the taste of "Spice 2.0" is slightly less exciting than a bottle of ether. I've found hotter snacks on the kids' menu in an ice-cream parlor. On my way home from the dentist.
I had to take extreme action.
Spice 2.0, the council of Spicy Things I Have Lying Around The House has found you guilty of dullness!
Result: I have created the greatest flavor in the history of the world, and it has nothing to do with Spice 2.0 chips. This powder I created makes the Super-Soldier Serum look like a thimble of flat cola -- the only problem is that two such chips would burn out your tongue forever. Eating this would be like having sex with twins while skydiving out of an exploding zeppelin.
Sadly, I must seal my secret formula away, and return to writing.
HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER: Spicy Seaweed Tempura
I don't remember buying these.
"Seaweed Tempura" isn't even a flavor: it's two vaguely food-related words that sound like a spambot trying to join a food forum. The only option is that the sheer non-flavor-related mass of insane crisps I collected has torn a hole in our chiptinuum, pulling impossible flavors from an insane land beyond reality itself!
Oh, wait, they're from Japan. Like I said.
They're also "spicy," because apparently deep-fried battered seaweed isn't quite lunatic enough for an Oriental snack. Further proof that they aren't from 'round these parts is how the bag is resealable -- it might not be finished in one sitting.
Consider: Japanese snacks do this, and Japan DOESN'T have spherical people rolling around in fat-carts.
Sadly, none of this changes the fact I'm going to have to put these things in my mouth.
Just for you, ZUG, I'm going to eat The Thing's scabs
I discover that Japanese lunacy or not, it doesn't matter what you coat and oil and fry: if it's made in bulk and sealed in foil, it will always taste of cardboard first and anything else second.
Chipological Singularity
I was a little worried about what eating fried seaweed might do to my body, until I read the packet more carefully.
These aren't seaweed-tempura flavored chips: they're actually seaweed tempura. The fiendish Japanese have created a perfect reproduction of the desired flavor by actually using the thing it's meant to be flavored as. Imagine! Our entire continent is indited by the fact that we never thought of that.
You have no idea how delighted I am to write this: it's so crazy, it actually just worked. Sure, it might taste like oil-battered chunks of leaf the sea threw up, but since that's exactly what they were going for, I'm forced to confirm that it's perfect! It's like a nurse administering a suppository: you might not enjoy the experience, but that's what they were paid to do! Mission accomplished!
Conclusion
What have we learned? We've learned that Worcestershire sauce is the Jesus of condiments, transubstantiating soulless flesh into divine snacks, and that when we say the Japanese have crazy impossible tastes, it's literally true.
Did I miss your favorite flavor? There are as many flavors of chip as there are heart attacks in America - let me know what you want and I'll get it ready for Round 2!
Do not attempt this at home. Luke McKinney is a trained professional, insofar as someone can be professional in playing videogames and drinking beer. He writes lots of stuff here.
If you enjoyed this article, you should also check out his previous ZUG experiments including The Energy Drink Overload Experiment, The Chicken Wing Suicides Experiment, and The Alcopop Experiment.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.3
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Utaro 34  5
06/11/2010 12:42 AM
Loved the whole article. I'd like to point out that seaweed tempura actually is a thing, it's just seaweed in tempura batter and fried. It's pretty good.
I'm very confused about those chips, though. I'm pretty sure a Japanese person wouldn't put a stereotypical Chinese man on the front, and all the Japanese sounds off. The bag states that it's "spicy flavor," and while the Japanese *does* say that, it says it in a "I plugged 'spicy flavor' into Babelfish and copy/pasted it onto the bag design" way. Hmmm. The back does have a map of Japan, though. And... holy seaweed, that star is pretty close to where I live.
Eh, the star also covers practically the entirety of Tokyo (which isn't exactly famous for seaweed or anything), so I guess that's not that surprising.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Poor Little Bastard Me 35 7
06/11/2010 01:37 PM
Request for Round 2: Doritos Cheeseburger flavor. Part of the "late night" series, this is the ressurected "X13-D" flavor from a few years back. Nobody I know likes these, which is sad because I love them. To compare them with an actual cheeseburger, I recommend a Big Mac. It's actually pretty close.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Xodiac 196 5
06/23/2010 08:45 PM
I'd like to see you check out Ranch flavored chips. I'd really like to see how they compare to the taste of a real ranch.
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