Can the Twilight Saga Stop a Bullet? Part 2 A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 35,418 48 06/21/2010 05:03 PM 44300 views
The Twilight novels are dense with prose, but are they so dense that they can stop a bullet? That's what I wanted to find out [read Part 1 here]. Now that I had my firearms and angsty-teen-chick-lit set up, it was time for the testing.
The Results
Much like Stephanie Meyer's readers, the .22 was only able to make it through the first novel: Twilight. It got to the cover of New Moon and just gave up. Maybe it had already seen the movie.
"Buried in a book"
Deformed upon impact
The .30-30 Winchester was undaunted by the first three books, but came apart before it reached the end of the fourth. This was surprising, because it's a high-caliber deer rifle, and I never would have guessed that mere text could impede its progress. That must be some really dense writing.
The only way to truly destroy the Twilight books is to rip them into pieces, then burn them
NOTE TO READERS: The bullet gives up on page 69 of Breaking Dawn.
The Twilight saga tore this poor bullet apart. We let our kids read this?
Here we see the effects of rapid deceleration on a lead mass caused by extreme friction against wood pulp. Note how the paper has been fused into the bullet itself by the energy released during this event.
Microscopic view of .30-30 bullet
Just like many of the people who watched the movies, the two 7.62x39mm rounds fired from the AK-47 didn't even realize that the books existed. They went through like vampire fangs into the jugular of a desirable young high school girl. They pierced that Shakespeare.
AK-OK!
This bullet, miraculously, made it through the entire series.
And through the board behind them.
Although I had already discovered the Twilight saga could stop some (but not all) bullets, a larger data set is always better in science. So I reloaded the guns, and shot the books until I ran out of bullets.
"Reverse mohawk"
"What do you see in this picture, Mr. Poynter?"
"Uh ... an orangutan flipping everyone off."
"Twilight Goatse"
Boom!
Pow!
The white stuff laying everywhere is shredded Twilight.
Here is what the cover of each book looked like after I was finished.
Once again, my quest for knowledge taught me many things. I learned that just like in videogames, simultaneously firing two weapons lowers your accuracy. I learned that bullets react to the Twilight saga in much the same way that people do: some will just give up and quit, some will make it though and not be affected at all, and still others will bury into it so deeply you'll have to dig them out with a sharp object.
I thought the twilight fan community would be interested in seeing the results, but I may have been mistaken.
"I'm sorry - and I apologize in advance to the mods for this - but:
You're a real jerk. It's not funny at all- especially not your subtitles - it's more like burning books. Which is only done by retarted religious fanatics or totalitarian regimes. Burning books first, burning people second.
Wondering what you get out of it? Why do you care so much as to buy the hardback copies of the books and then destroy them and film and making it public?
Lonely heart? Desperate for attention? Boring life? Just plain idiot?
You are receiving this notification because your topic "Can the Twilight
Saga Stop a Bullet?" at "Twilighters.org Forum" was disapproved by a
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What are you going to do with the books, now that you've shot them full of holes? I would display them as modern art, but maybe that's just me.
I think you should auction them off!
You need to auction off the books. My daughter is willing to put up a bid on them. I love the fact that my 15-year-old daughter enjoyed that so much that she's begging me to get her one of the books.
Hey I happen to like the twilogy so what if its full of goowy lovy dovy stuff that some don't like that my problem. And if you buy your own book and want to blow the Shakespeare out of it--that is your problemo. But what to me is not about comedy and joking is when we have to see over and over again mockery of the things other people like to do to taunt that over our heads like they are "just joking" when they aren't.
Hey I happen to like the twilogy so what if its full of goowy lovy dovy stuff that some don't like that my problem.
The twilogy... Really Elmer? "Shh! Be vewy vewy twiet. I'm hunting for the words I weft out of my sentence."
And if you buy your own book and want to blow the Shakespeare out of it--that is your problemo.
What if I get someone else to give me the books instead, knowing full well the fate they have consigned them too? Who's problemo is it then Fonzy?
But what to me is not about comedy and joking is when we have to see over and over again mockery of the things other people like to do to taunt that over our heads like they are "just joking" when they aren't.
What to me is about comedy and joking is when I have to do over and over again mockery of the things other people like to be pointing out how foolishness it is to care about thoughts by people who are not them have. If my taunting Twilight over your head (not a euphemism) has offended you, I submit to you that you may be too easily offended and cringe at the thought of what Bugs Bunny would have done to you, Fonzy Fudd.
This article is absolutely superb apart from the inclusion of one sentence that made me physically shudder: "They pierced that Shakespeare." The description of any of the TwiShakespearee "saga" as Shakespeare is beyond blasphemy to anyone with even a vague interest in decent literature (i.e. anything but TwiShakespearee). :)
OK, so my attempt to render your comment invalid failed mightily there. This is the top page which actually comes up when you google "greatest author of all time": http://www.thebest100lists.com/best100authors/
Thank you for signing up so you could post a comment on my article!
ZUG PRO TIP: If you have swearbot turned on (as it is by default) then curse words will be changed to the names of great authors, such as Frost and Shakespeare and Poe.
This author would never compare the Twilight saga to the works of the great bard unless paid a large sum of money to do so. (Hint hint, Miss Meyer.Please return my calls!)
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