Flocks, Stocks, and Barrels
A comedy article
by Frogpop  173,153  25
07/01/2010 04:20 PM 499 views
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I stopped at a BP gas station on Friday to fill up my car and they were giving away one share of stock with every gallon of gas you buy. Ok, no they weren't. In fact, BP spun off all of its retail operations years ago, so BP gas stations are all owned by independent franchisees who are now living the dream of having people protesting outside of their businesses for something that they had nothing to do with and have no control over. Yay for mob mentality.
In reality, if you're as impressed as I am by BP's insightful new take on renewable energy.. wherein they cover a bunch of storks and fish and shrimp and hippies and stuff in brown sludge so that their encapsulated corpses can settle to the bottom of the gulf, fossilize, and turn into future oil deposits in a few tens of millions of years.. (and, really, how could you not be!) then the only way to join the big team in its fight to bring us light sweet crude (all new - now with Cajun bite!) is to buy some shares of BP on the stock market. Which I just did.
Thanks to the hard work of the EPA, I'm unleaded.
I've enjoyed watching BP's share price plummet over the past few months. Schadenfreude is awesome and comeuppance is an American tradition. Another American tradition is trying to get rich quick. You may recall that I already got rich quick, but, unfortunately, I lost it all in the recent real-estate bubble. (No, I didn't invest in real estate, I just lost it. I know I put it in a safe place, but I can't remember where.)
While many people who are mad about the spill are busy protesting at BP's non-BP owned gas stations, many others have sold their BP stock and left in disgust.
"Excuse me, my Huff has arrived. Yes, of course my Huff runs on gasoline, what's your point? Idiot!"
Unfortunately for these herd animals, stock prices aren't supposed to be a reflection of how cool or animal friendly a company is, they're supposed to reflect the likely future profit of that company. And until we all drive electric huffs, BP is still likely to profit quite a bit in the future.
So, in addition to promoting change by working from within the system for the good of us all, I also wanted to profit mightily from the foolishness of all the rest of you suckers who oversold based on emotion instead of cold calculating capitalism. BP stock offered me just that chance.
Now, before I bought the stock, I was feeling pretty hopey changey.
Shrill, baby, shrill!
How was that working out for me? I had these grand visions of driving over to Costco, loading up on Dawn, mops, and paper towels, and hauling down to the gulf to pitch in. I have found, however, that change (or changey) is a two way street, and, now that I've bought in to Big Oil, I've got to tell you I'm feeling a lot more wait and see-y about the whole thing. So, here's some food for thought, Top 10 List style:
1) There is no oil spill. That underwater spillcam footage was faked, just like the moon landing and the Superbowl prank.
2) Ok, there is an oil spill, but it's all Exxon's fault and they're framing us. You should probably go burn down their corporate headquarters just to be safe.
3) And if it wasn't Exxon it was terrorists. We're pretty sure they escaped from Guantanamo Bay, blew up our oil rig, and then swam away talking trash about your mom. 4-20-10, never forget.
4) Maybe it's Cuba's fault for being pinko commie bastards? Or a CIA plot against Cuba? Or something? I haven't worked out the details yet.. pass!
5) The Gulf isn't "contaminated", it's High-Octane!
6) You guys shouldn't spend so much time at the beach anyway. Skin cancer kills! You're welcome.
7) If God didn't want us to have oil leaks he would have hidden the oil from us in really hard to reach places.
8) I've already made five dollars. FIVE! That's way more important than anything else that could possibly be happening to other people.
9) If I get a five dollar bill for every environmental disaster we have, we're going need to have WAY more of them for me to have an early retirement.
10) This is all just a dream sequence, like in Dallas. We're going to wake up any minute now. Any minute. Any. Minute.
Let me know if you found any of the above particularly persuasive, or, barring that, even remotely believable. I'll be happy to pass it up the BP chain of command asap. Seriously, we've got nothing.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.4
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Shell Belle 77,143  25
07/01/2010 05:22 PM
Genius. Nobody will miss a bunch of hippies. Oh my God, Skippy! I bet that's where he is.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
07/01/2010 05:48 PM
I will be following Frogpop's stock investment tips. Can it be any worse than that of the Wall Street suits?
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.1
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World Cup Phla! Balls. 131,068 34
07/01/2010 11:17 PM
bp is like e e cummings
they don't know
how
to use
caps
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Funny
10 votes
3.4
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Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
07/02/2010 07:06 AM
4-20-10, never forget
I never forget 4/20, for reasons that have nothing to do with oil spills.
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Frogpop 173,153 25
07/09/2010 04:30 PM
Made a hundred dollars so far. To celebrate, I'm having a sea turtle omelet.
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Funny
6 votes
3.3
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Frogpop 173,153 25
07/15/2010 05:47 PM
$200. I'm going to hang on to it so I can buy the very last gulf shrimp.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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It's Frogpop, Frogpop 173,153 25
04/20/2011 12:24 PM
Happy Spillaversary Everybody!
I'm up $360.
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