At the recent premiere of the new Twilight movie, a few of my friends and I took it upon ourselves to have some fun at the expense of Twilight fans. How would they take it, we asked ourselves, if some "real" vampires showed up? Here are ten things I learned, standing around downtown Boston wearing a suit and some plastic fangs.
1) Midnight Showings Aren't As Popular As You Think
When we showed up at the theater, it was thronged with ... air. We showed up at 10:30 and left around 11:30, and still the theater was not packed with wall-to-wall screaming fans, like we'd hoped. Sure, people showed up in a steady stream, but only about what you'd expect from a normal weekday night in a major city.
And this movie made $68 million on a Wednesday? How'd that happen?
2) People Will Believe Anything If You Keep a Straight Face
I pretended that I was a vampire to everybody I met. I spoke to people on the street, people in line, people coming to see the movie, and people who didn't care about the movie. I discovered, mind-blowingly, that every person took the idea that I was a vampire, or at least that I believed in vampires, at face value. I couldn't believe it.
I can only conclude that people either thought I was insane, or were just too polite to keep from bursting my bubble. Either way, I'm going to have to remember this. I bet I could sneak backstage to a concert wearing a suit. Or maybe a Presidential dinner.
3) Twilight Fans are a Bit Exaggerated in the Media
You hear about things like "My Life Is Twilight", patterned off of "F My Life", wherein insane fans will share stories like seeing a Mitsubishi Eclipse behind a silver Volvo, or "Today I realized my hair is brown, just like Bella's!", which is, I assure you, a direct quote from the site. So the lunatics really are out there, probably obsessively stroking their Robert Pattinson dolls, waiting for the time to strike.
But the fans I interacted (with the exception of the girls above) with mostly lacked signs, stupid costumes, and generally seemed to be functioning sane people with a good sense of humor. Maybe I just lucked out and got a good crowd. Which is good, because after reading "My Life Is Twilight" I'm a little afraid of these people.
4) This Doesn't Stop the Media From Pretending They're All Insane
There were no fewer than three news vans, plus a photojournalist and a student filmmaker -- and watching the coverage later, you'd think I'd attended a small-scale hormone riot, rather than a fairly quiet and orderly showing of a movie.
On the other hand, take a guess which story gets more airtime.
5) Teenage Girls All Dress Like Hoochies, and It Makes Me Feel Old (and Vaguely Creepy).
Here's what gets me: all the girls in this line were obviously dressed casually, and they were wearing outfits you generally see on porn stars. When did high school freshmen start wearing miniskirts and cutoffs even gay men wouldn't wear in public? Since I'm not Pedobear, I actually found it mildly unnerving instead of attractive. Also annoying, since when I was in high school, the vast majority of girls did not dress like that. Probably a good thing for your grades, Past-Self.
Also, my daughter, when I have one, will wear burlap sacks. Period.
6) People Respect You In A Suit
No matter who you are, the suit commands respect. Every person stopped to hear what I had to say, at least for a moment. And I was wearing a cheap suit from K&G.
I've handed out flyers in my spare time, and I've learned that if you're standing on the street, it's really hard to get somebody's attention. People ignore you, sometimes doing it blatantly just to be a douche. (I'm talking to you, guy who suddenly flips open his cellphone. Give it up.) But if you wear a suit, that evaporates. People immediately think, "Hey, this guy has something important to say! He must be running for office or something! He's wearing a suit!"
Especially useful was attaching a leftover "Staff" badge. It didn't say what I was staff OF; just some tasteful clip art and the word "Staff." And you could see people glancing at the badge and slowing their roll to hear what you had to say. Now I see why the Mormons wear the suits with the dorky name tags.
7) Riding on Public Transit in a Suit and Eyeliner Means You Get Some Awkward Looks
I had to take the train to where we were pulling this stunt, and I went with a close friend. He was in full guyliner and lipstick, and we were both in black and red outfits; namely, suits.
I'm pretty sure that about half the train thought we were a couple. That was the vibe. People were looking at us strangely as we talked, and generally just avoiding us. I need to start wearing eyeliner during rush hour. I might even get a seat!
8) Never Bring a Couple to An Event Where You Speak To The Public
Two of my friends were together, and came as a couple. Just a note to every guy who thinks he can look down a woman's shirt and no one will notice: it is obvious. It's even obvious across the street. We actually kept count. Fifteen, in case you were wondering.
9) Theater Employees Hate This Movie Already
When I stuck my head in to look for tickets, I noticed something in the eyes of the ticket seller: pure, unadulterated hatred. It was a little disconcerting, but it wasn't directed at me. She just eyed the line and growled under her breath. I think she was shocked the line was respectful and orderly, but she knew it wasn't going to last.
Maybe we should have shown up Friday.
10) Theater Security Are A Bunch of @$$holes
Yes, before you ask, I really did get thrown out of the theater, and I got thrown out with extreme prejudice. We got spotted by security the microsecond we walked in, and then we got bounced.
On the bright side, seeing the security guard standing in the lobby, eying us from across the street, and obviously seething about how he couldn't do anything else about it was fun. If I hadn't had a character to keep, I would have pointed, laughed, and said HAHA!
All in all, I thoroughly recommend showing up in a funny outfit in a public place. But that's because I'm off my meds.
For more Twilight-related craziness, check out Can the Twilight Saga Stop a Bullet?, where we test whether vampire novels can be stopped by a high-powered rifle.
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