Please don't tell my parole officer
A comedy article
by Spicey McHaggis  117,791  37
07/08/2010 12:41 AM 893 views
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My company has flown a bunch of employees out of state to help out for a week at one of our new facilities. The hotel they put us up in has an outdoor pool and hot tub. These are essential items for when you've been on your feet all day and you need to relax.
This evening after work, while I and some of my coworkers were getting on the elevator to get to our floor, a small girl wearing a swimsuit and carrying an inflatable orca walked up to the to the elevator and stopped, presumably waiting for the rest of her family.
A formidable beast
Before the elevator doors closed, one of my coworkers said "Hi" to her and she said "Hi" back. Then he said, "She's got a killer whale." The little girl made a suitably adorable face that was obviously meant to simulate that of an angry orca, held up her toy and made an appropriate "Grrr" sound. We acted frightened and then laughed as the doors closed. Then my coworker quipped, "Don't tell my parole officer about this." Of course, this was funny because my coworker is not really a convicted child molester.
Later, I decided to take a dip in the pool. When I got there, the pool was filled with children. Some of them had inflatable orcas. Since I also wanted to spend time in the hot tub, which was empty, I turned on the bubbles and started to relax in the heat and massaging motion of the water jets.
Like this without the glasses
A couple of minutes into my hot tub session, one of the little girls from the pool came over to the hot tub and sat on the steps. This made me a little uncomfortable, but she left shortly thereafter.
A couple of minutes later, every little girl that had been in the pool had decided that they'd rather be in the hot tub. As they descended upon me, I looked around for their parents. There were some women over in the lounge chairs but I could not see there faces because I did not have my glasses on. I couldn't tell if they were paying any attention, but I'm guessing they weren't because not a single adult yelled to the children, "Hey don't get in the hot tub with that strange man!"
I sat there uncomfortably for a moment, thinking back to my coworker's joke about the parole officer and trying to assure myself that it wasn't inappropriate for me to be in a hot tub with a bunch of children since they were clearly the aggressors. The girls chattered, saying things like "Can we turn off the bubbles?" I didn't want to cut my hot tub time short, but these strange children were making me uncomfortable. I don't like confrontation, so I let the girls have the hot tub and I got out. Fortunately, since the kids were all in the hot tub, the pool was empty.
I got into the pool, floated on my back and let the water fill my ears. It obscured the sound of chattering children with the sound of water and my own breathing. It was very relaxing. However, it would not last. Soon, the chatter of the girls got louder and I realized that they had returned to the pool.
The pool was large enough for me to avoid them, but they kept moving closer to me. I was annoyed, so I left the pool. Since the hot tub was now empty, I resumed my session there.
After a few minutes, the women in the lounge chairs decided to leave and they took the girls with them. As they passed by the hot tub, I caught a distinct whiff of marijuana.
Mother's Little Helper
There's really no point to this story, but the experience did make me realize that I do not scare young children. So I've got that going for me.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.4
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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Thud 68,525  19
07/08/2010 12:47 AM
Little kids can be a pest sometimes, other times they are just inquisitive. Maybe they thought you had an affinity for the Orcas.
The little kiddos were probably just wondering if you were going to try to eat a seal. Kids can be sick little Shakespeares.
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Funny
9 votes
3.5
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Dasypygal-unwaxed 14,811 17
07/08/2010 01:01 AM
The girls chattered, saying things like "Can we turn off the bubbles?"
Your response should have been, "No dear. If we turn the bubbles off then everyone will see all of the poop I just squeezed out."
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Undies 101,398 77
07/08/2010 09:00 AM
Maybe they thought you had an affinity for the Orcas.
Are you calling me a fat whale?
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.5
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Undies 101,398 77
07/08/2010 09:03 AM
This made me a little uncomfortable
I sat there uncomfortably
but these strange children were making me uncomfortable
You keep using that word. I hope it doesn't mean what I think it means.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Straw Spangled Banner 98,023 37
07/08/2010 09:05 AM
I have a better pool story:
I saw last night that Keanu Reeves is a life guard at our pool. Or maybe it's his evil twin - he was wearing a beard.
The end!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.4
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Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
07/08/2010 12:31 PM
"You keep using that word. I hope it doesn't mean what I think it means."
Hypothetically speaking, do you think that "I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't tell how old they were" would make for a good legal defense?
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
07/08/2010 06:55 PM
Note to self: Don't try to steal Ollie's schtick.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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cuddlyfluffbomb 52 4
07/15/2010 03:35 AM
I once had an experience like this, I was at a pool when a group of three middle aged men walked in. I was enjoying my hot tub time so I didn't pay too much attention to them. That's when a group of little girls came in unsupervised. I figured they were under the care of the three men who had entered slightly before and continued hot-tubbing. After about 20 minutes I got out of the hot tub, looked back at the group of guys. You know what I saw? Three guys swimming in the pool while the little girls played on the opposite end of the area.
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Funny
8 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,133 44
07/15/2010 01:43 PM
I travel a lot for work, and I always avail myself of the hotel hot tub, if there is one. Fifteen minutes in that hot, swirling water and I can hypnotize myself into forgetting how miserable my job is.
One day I was sitting there in the water, and this woman got in and started telling me how she wouldn't go into the pool because there were a bunch of kids in there and she was sure they were peeing in the pool. Almost on cue, the kids came over to get in the hot tub.
The woman looked up at them and said, "You should know that there's a special chemical in the hot tub that turns the water black if you pee in here, or if there is any pee already in your bathing suit."
They walked away.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.2
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the fun in dysfunctional 1,970 6
07/15/2010 01:51 PM
There's a new sign by the hot tub at my condo - it reads "Please do not use the pool if you have active diarrhea."
What? As opposed to inactive diarrhea?
Also among the rules for the pool use - "No adult inflatable items"
So, all you boobs and testicles GET OUT OF THE POOL!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Sir Chix-A-Lot 286,642 61
07/15/2010 01:53 PM
"No adult inflatable items"
The super is jealous she can't afford breast augmentation.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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the fun in dysfunctional 1,970 6
07/15/2010 01:57 PM
So am I - nobody's kicking my 34 B's out of the pool.
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0 votes
0.0
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the fun in dysfunctional 1,970 6
07/16/2010 09:52 AM
"no adult inflatable items."
I was in the pool last night and noticed I screwed that up, the sign reads
"No adult floatable items"
which makes more sense with my boobs and testicles line. Sorry.
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0 votes
0.0
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Crip Walkin' Ravos 63,472 21
07/16/2010 01:01 PM
The woman looked up at them and said, "You should know that there's a special chemical in the hot tub that turns the water black if you pee in here, or if there is any pee already in your bathing suit."
Good thing my bathing suit is already black.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
07/16/2010 03:01 PM
Then my coworker quipped, "Don't tell my parole officer about this." Of course, this was funny because my coworker is not really a convicted child molester.
A couple of minutes into my hot tub session, one of the little girls from the pool came over to the hot tub and sat on the steps. This made me a little uncomfortable...
I'm guessing that your company's HR and employment forms are specific about that whole 'convicted' thing.
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