GAAAAAAH! A comedy conversation
by KChikita - OMG Bananas! 128,446 98 07/12/2010 09:09 AM 421 views
This morning started like any other morning. I came in to work, sat down, logged into my 'puter, etc. I quickly checked my email and then picked up my oversized coffee mug to go get some coffee.
As I walked out of my office door, I happened to look down at my coffee mug. There was a little dried coffee residue on the bottom of the mug (apparently I'd forgotten to rinse it on Friday) and sitting right on the bottom was a HUGE Frost-ing COCKROACH!
I screamed and immediately flung my mug out into the aisle, toward other less fortunate people. It hit the carpet and shattered, with the majority of the bottom upside down and still intact. I kicked it right-side up and NO ROACH.
Now everyone thinks I'm a fruitcake and I'm completely paranoid that the damn thing is stalking me and is going to crawl up my leg at any moment. I'm fine with bugs that are (points) over there, but when they invade my personal bubble, I get very screamy/girly.
Plus, I have ties on the sides of my capri pants that are tickling my legs. Today's gonna suck.
I know a guy who had to go to the hospital and have a roach removed from his ear canal. It was vibrating and he thought his head was going to explode. Apparently it's sort of common for them to crawl in there while you're sleeping.
Did you happen to notice if that buzzing sound you have been hearing lately occured while you were throwing the mug? If so that may have been your time traveler in disguise and he had to flee.
Now hows babies are going to save the world from the robot apocalypse?
When I got to work last night I was informed that there was a 'small' snake trapped in the storage closet. No one could find it.
I'm not afraid of snakes, but I tell you what, I kept my feet off of the floor and tucked safely under my ass while screwing around on the interwebs instead of doing my job!
P.S. AND I'm pretty sure we have some mice running around the drop-ceiling. I can hear them screwing and the little scamperers make the ceiling tiles snow down on me. I've armed myself with a stick.
GAH! When I was driving the other day, a very bulbous yellow spider dropped down on my left arm. I screamed and knocked it over to my right thigh, and then Spicey (who was in the passenger seat) smacked it off onto the floor. He TOLD me he got it, but then a few seconds later, it scampered up my leg and onto my crotch.
How I managed to not smash the Frost out of my van, I'll never know. How I managed to not smash the Frost out of Spicey, I'll never know either.
The spider is still alive and hiding in my van. HELP ME.
Not long after I started working here, I rescued a rather large non-poisonous snake off the screened in porch on the back of our building. (I pinned his head down with a broomstick and just grabbed him.) So I have a reputation to uphold. But my wildlife skills stop at cucarachas.
I have a old pickup that rarely gets driven and therefore seems to be the local bug and spider hangout (but only for the cool ones!).
A few days ago I had it out picking up some furniture and felt a tickle on my neck. Without thinking I slapped at it and came back with a handfull of goo. Not the good kind either!
It was a wolf spider the size of a quarter, NOT including the legs!
I slammed the brakes and stood at the roadside retching for a good ten minutes while my wife cleaned my neck with baby wipes.
Sooooo... anyone in the market for a good ol' truck?
In Texas, you don't have to be dirty or skanky to have cockroaches. In the heat of the summer they come into houses looking for water. They also eat things like wallpaper paste, leather, and book bindings so with the exception of illiterate vegans with a good eye for wall treatments, nobody's safe.
One night about 15 years ago, I was awakened by my husband running his hand up the inside of my thigh. When I woke up a little more, I realized he was on his side facing away from me and that a giant cockroach was crawling up my inner thigh, only inches from the promised land. I screamed and batted it away, only to fail to find it anywhere. I didn't sleep much more after that. The next morning I found it: stunned and half dead, lying in the vase we kept on our dresser for coins.
I was molested by a cockroach. That might explain so much.
He TOLD me he got it, but then a few seconds later, it scampered up my leg and onto my crotch.
I left out a detail here - I was wearing a dress without any panties. NEVER AGAIN. It was also very awkward later, because we were on the way out to dinner. All night long I kept feeling things on my vajayjay that weren't really there. I'm sure people in the restaurant must have thought I had crabs, by the way I kept pawing at my cootie. But no, it was SPIDERS.
I would have posted my "When I found a roach on myself" story, but since it's been made clear in the past that no one wants to hear about my balls I had to pass.
But now I'm curious if he was related to Pandas roach.
Based on the search I just did, apparently I haven't told y'all my cockroach story. Since I told it fairly recently on another site (in a thread about bad hotel experiences), I decided to copy and paste.
The fanciest hotel room I've ever stayed in was the venue for my most memorable hotel mishap, though by no fault of the hotel's. The Seoul Plaza Hotel in South Korea. First night there, having arrived from the Phillippines that day, I was looking forward to a hot shower. I stripped down, then opened my toiletries bag to pull out my shampoo....and saw movement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, I flung the bag down and dashed out of the bathroom. Afraid of it getting out of the bathroom, I bravely went back in and dumped the contents of the bag into the tub. I frantically searched my belongings for the...whatever it was. Nothing. I was horrified by the possibility that The Thing had indeed escaped out of the bathroom. If I couldn't find it, there was no way I would be able to sleep that night.
I've been accused of being Chatty McTalkalot, so continued in the next post.
I looked everywhere, wondering if maybe I had imagined the whole thing, and then it finally occurred to me that maybe it didn't make it out of the bag. I crept back over to the bag (mind you, I'm stark naked this whole time) and peered in. More movement! After I finished screaming, I shook the bag more thoroughly over the tub. Finally the behemoth emerged. It was a cockroach the size of a teacup chihuaha. I could only think that maybe it had been normal size when it crawled into my bag, and then when it went through various x-rays at the airport, it had mutated to its current mass. Fortunately it was still susceptible to the usual methods of dispatch - I happened to have a can of bug spray and unloaded the entire contents onto it. After shoveling it up and flushing it down the toilet, I briefly wondered if it would mutate further in the sewers of Korea. Apparently it did not - I haven't heard anything regarding Godzirra vs. Coleridgeloach.
Well, on this particular trip I was going to be hanging out in the Philippines, South Korea, and Nigeria - I was concerned about the possibility of helicopter-sized mosquitoes. Looking back I'm surprised that the megaroach was the only hideous bug I encountered on the whole trip.
I've seen them up to about three inches long, and they're fast. Atari might have made these things seem cute and easy to kill, but they're nasty as hell.
A couple of years ago, I was getting ready to take a shower and noticed what I thought was some hair in the tub. I grabbed a tissue and went to grab it, but it suddenly came to life and crawled onto my hand. It was one of those goddamn centipedes. I started screaming and shook my hand, but couldn't get it off. So, wearing nothing but a towel, I ran down the hall screaming, "Get it off! Get it OFF!" My kids about died laughing.
By that time, it was gone. I never did find it. Now I make the kids pick the hair out of the tub.
Jeeni 47,815 51 's skin is crawling
07/12/2010 11:41 AM
Oh Shell, we used to get those in our first apartment. Is your house somewhat underground? Although it's nice and cool, those freaky centipedes seem to like the coolness of a basement. Gah!
Shell, I get those things in my current place too! I couldn't find anything to identify them, as every time I describe them it comes out as "It's like a billion hairs and legs moving, and when you smooShakespeare they explode."
Gah! I caught one of those things in an upside-down glass in our apartment the summer I lived in Chicago! I had no idea what the Frost it was, although I was pretty sure it was poisonous, and all my flatmates were equally clueless. The apartment's shag carpets almost totally matched the bug's coloring, so I was creeped out for the rest of the summer.
I used to see a bunch of earwigs at my old house out back by the pool. They liked to hide under the pool skimmer if we left it lying on the brick patio, especially after rainstorms.
Cockroaches are gross. We get the big 3" by 1" variety in my office building from time to time. I've become quite an adept cockroach wrangler, scooping them up into large manila envelopes and mailing them to my more vexing colleagues and dumping them into the terlet for a 3 flush water slide to hell.
My mother was terrified of cockroaches, and had terrorized my sister and I so much throughout our childhoods that we would always try to find ways to get back at her.
When we discovered Madigascar Hissing Cockroaches we knew that we had to use them to our advantage. Our plan was to, over the year, ship her items that would clue her in to what was coming.
A flip flop, a rolled up newspaper, a can of Raid, then finally, a box of those roaches, delivered to her door in their live condition.
Alas, she died before we could carry out our plan but we got a great deal of enjoyment imagining her writhing around on the floor screaming like a girl as the cockroaches crawled up her arms.
I used to have a madagascar hissing cockroach as a pet. It was given to me by a boss of mine as a going away present. Heh. Thankfully, it was a MALE - therefore there was no threat of it having babies. It also was slow & didn't fly. It used to give people the heebie jeebies, but I didn't mind poor little Roachee.
a giant cockroach was crawling up my inner thigh, only inches from the promised land. I screamed and batted it away, only to fail to find it anywhere. I didn't sleep much more after that. The next morning I found it: stunned and half dead, lying in the vase we kept on our dresser for coins.
I was molested by a cockroach. That might explain so much.
If you found it dead in the morning, you may just want to clean down there before you kill your husband too!
Kchiki, did you even find out what the noise was in your office? I think it's a huge nest of cockroaches--they are somewhere right near your desk...*
*I actually know very little about cockroaches, but that sounded good. I've only lived one place with them. Thank god I live in a cold climate and live in small buildings, so the worst thing I get are ants.
Shockingly, despite the fact we live in a house built in 1910, we have almost no cockroaches whatsoever. However, termites are another issue. Recently, some of the old, old shelves were ripped from their longtime location and resulted in me finding one of these bad boys in my morning coffee:
I'm not ashamed to say that when I felt a chunk in my coffee and spat it out, it was followed by about 15 minutes of dry-heaving...
Earlier today I was walking towards the set of doors leading out to the hallway where the elevators and bathrooms are, and noticed a huge spider on the ground. I let out a yell and then stared at it wondering if I had time to go back to my desk and get a paper towel, or if it would disappear before I got back. I didn't want to step on it because I hate having bug carcass on the bottom of my shoe, tracking it everywhere.
As I was contemplating this, a dude comes over and steps on it. And then I guess he didn't think he should leave it there, so he proceeded to try and kick the body out into the hallway. Given its delicate nature, pieces of it were scattering every where. Now whenever I have to go to the bathroom or elevator, I have to walk over the area where it was. Was being the operative term because the pieces have been transferred to the bottoms of other shoes by now.
It's easy to change that, Kchiki. Just go to Zappos.com, and look at a few pair of really nice, really hot shoes that are really out of your regular price range, and you'll be able to wave "bye-bye" to the bugs without touching or seeing them evar again, until the next GABber talks about bugs.
It's easy to change that, Kchiki. Just go to Zappos.com, and look at a few pair of really nice, really hot shoes that are really out of your regular price range, and you'll be able to wave "bye-bye" to the bugs without touching or seeing them evar again, until the next GABber talks about bugs.
Or porn, porn works too... Just depends on your taste I guess.
I'm from New York City. The cockroach is our mascot. I was cat sitting for a friend in Chelsea one time and when I got up during the night to take a leak, I saw a roach that was at least five inches long. I picked up one of my Red Wing motorcycle boots and whacked the thing as hard as I could with the heel of the boot. He turned around and gave me the finger before scurrying under the bathroom cabinet.
Earwigs are just cockroaches with bigger antennae. That like to climb into your ear canals while you're sleeping and lay their eggs.
I'm worried about the ties on your capris driving you crazy today, though, KChiki. You better just take those pants right off. And on the way home tonight, stop at Blockbuster and rent Joe's Apartment.
I once lived in Milledgeville, GA which is pretty much in the middle of the state and is at all times at least 10 degrees hotter than anywhere else. We had roaches that were so big we called them Rodeo Roaches, thinking that a mouse could probably ride one around. I remember walking across the campus of the local college I attended at night and thinking that the sidewalks were moving. It was, of course, thousands of Rodeo Roaches. They used to hang out in front of one building in particular and they would just hang out on the steps at night like it was some sort of roach biker bar.
Oh my god, KChiki. I am hyperventilating just thinking about that. If I were you, I would have flung the mug and jumped out the window. I've only seen one cockroach in my house in my life... I opened up a bag of dog food that I had just brought home from the store, and it flew out.
I didn't sleep for a few days. Nightmares of roaches crawling all over my food, my possessions, my face... MY FAAAAAACE.
We always get giant roach-like bugs at work because they come in on the plants. Which, come to think of it, isn't really good for the environment--introducing species that are going to Frost with established species, but whatever. So, I was sweeping one morning and there was this huge Frost-ing bug on its back in front of my desk, his legs wiggling. It was at least four inches long, which is bigger than my boyfriend's penis! (Not really, but I couldn't think of anything to compare it to.) It was so big, I didn't want to step on it.
I called to Ruben, my co-worker who sells appliances. He's Venezuelan, so I figured he's seen some big bugs. He came over and said, "What's the problem? Step on it!" and he smushed it with his foot. It made this loud crunching noise. He couldn't understand my squeamishness. After I cleaned it up, there was still a big spot there for a while.
Sometimes when I'm feeling soft hearted, I'll try to capture a bug I've found in the house alive and set it free outside. Tonight a rather large moth flew in. I managed to catch it, and took it to the back door to let it go. When I opened the door, a small frog hopped in.
These kinds of things did not happen in New York City.
In New York City, I would have thrown a rapist out and a stabber would have hopped in.
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