The Martini Madness Experiment
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
07/20/2010 12:23 PM 4035 views
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"Martini" is the most horribly devalued word in alcohol after "Tequila" (a fine agave liquor turned into "poisonous battery acid" by a generation of slamming fratboys). There is no such thing as a Martini list, because there are only two types of Martini: any bar that claims to have forty different martinis doesn't even know how to make one.
Things have gotten so bad that even Bond screws it up, and when Bond gets something wrong it legally doesn't exist. He orders a Vodka Martini (which isn't a Martini, that's why it has a different name) and suavely specifies "Shaken, not stirred." Which sounds cool as hell, until you realize it means "Dilute it with lots of water and dissolve fizzy little bubbles in it because I'm a girl."
"Shaken, not stirred. And can you make it pink and get one of those cute bendy-straws?"
I've decided to see just how far the mighty have fallen -- by drinking them. Bars might massacre Martinis by turning them into alcoholic slushees with more fruity flavors than a gay greengrocers, but how bad can they be? I'll solve this problem the way I solved everything as an undergraduate: drinking, strange tastes in my mouth, and regret. But first, a quick refresher course:
The Martini
A real Martini is:
2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. dry vermouth
Olive or lemon twist
Stir the ingredients in an ice-filled shaker, pour into a chilled Martini glass and add your garnish. The chilled glass is not optional.
The freezer of a REAL MAN
The other Martini (a "perfect" Martini) splits the vermouth half-and-half sweet and dry. That is IT. That is the sum total of Martinis possible with current technology -- ANYTHING else is just a drink served in a martini glass. This has happened before with the Cosmopolitan, the fruity girl-juice so sugary even horses can drink it:
Call me old Mr. Traditional, but if I was making a show about four women having sex in a city, I'd try to make at least one of them attractive.
It was was invented by bartenders sick of wasting proper drinks on people who wanted to look cool with Martini glasses. Because anyone who cares more about what a drink looks like than the actual contents should be served in a sippy-cup.
When even 007 can't be trusted with a drink, God knows what the real world will do with it. Make that God and me, because I'm off to make the maddest Martinis I can find and drink them, and even He won't want to deal with the aftermath.
Please continue to Part 2: The Bacontini!
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.0
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Dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075  15
07/21/2010 12:40 AM
i couldn't help but notice that you have an abundance of meat
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Mr Samsa 88 5
07/24/2010 08:57 AM
"Shaken, not stirred." Which sounds cool as hell, until you realize it means "Dilute it with lots of water and dissolve fizzy little bubbles in it because I'm a girl
Theres a reason you shake a martini, and it actually is less dilutent then stirring (stirring increases the time it is in contact with the ice) shaking allows the starches and sugars in gin to be "bruised" making it a tad bit sweeter, it also helps to bond the vermouth and spread it more evenly, but other than that, i agree with your hatred of "girly man drinks" they are getting quite irritating.
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