The Martini Madness Experiment 2: Garlic, Cajun, and the Bacontini
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
07/20/2010 12:51 PM 3157 views
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I'm out to endure the maddest Martinis mixology can provide (read Part 1 here), and if my career has taught me anything, it's that if you want something ruined, you need the Internet!
Thanks guys!
Searching Online
Most of the recipes I found use vodka instead of gin because the internet is made of liars and heretics. I fixed that because I'm far more qualified than any website (and most distilleries).
My qualifications
The Garlictini
When they want to ruin something, they ruin the hell out of it. Mere moments of searching yielded the "Garlictini," the most horrific combination of two of my favorite things since a cheerleader got sucked* into a jet engine. But the recipe I found seemed suspicious.
* The phrase "got sucked" technically makes this three of my favorite things
That's just a Martini with garlic-stuffed olives, and when your revolutionary new drink is just flavoring the garnish, you're a less adventurous drinker than a newborn baby -- at least they slurp from human flesh. My suspicions were confirmed by examining the site, revealing clues that it was for brittle-boned female kittens:
Non-alcoholic cocktails are a great way to not get being alive.
I quickly confirmed that my testicles hadn't been shriveled by exposure to the site, then infused an entire clove of garlic in about 4 ounces of gin. This may be the only time "infusion" has violated the Geneva convention.
On the upside, at least now I can out-drink Dracula
Drinking It: After a week of infusion, I opened the jar and tore a portal in space to Garlic World -- an alternate universe where Garlic became sentient, developed chemical weaponry, decided it hated humanity, and waited for me to open this jar.
The raw garlic gin is the most aggressive use of the word "raw" since a tyrannosaur ate shark-meat. Properly applied garlic is approximately one-infinity-times more intense than alcohol: improperly applied (as here) it's past numbers and can only be rated in terms of facial-muscular damage. My skull was locked in a rictus of overloaded pain for a full minute, and I can still taste the garlic on my tongue. Whoever you are, whenever you're reading this, I guarantee that I am still tasting this garlic.
I've enjoyed other drinks more while throwing them up. Can Martinization save the day?
Vermouth does what it can, while Optimus stares at an evil he can never conquer.
The result is a testament to the power of the Martini -- it's not nearly as terrible. I was bracing myself like a man about to crash a helicopter into his own tongue, but stirring with vermouth softened the taste into something survivable. I can't overstate how big a deal this is -- I'm now confident some vermouth and a sufficiently large stirstick could solve the BP oil spill. I haven't seen such a horrifically destructive green thing this relaxed since Bruce Banner got a Valium and a handjob.
Just don't mistake this for anything drinkable: the Martini made the difference between headbutting a nuclear warhead and merely catching an incendiary grenade in your mouth. My stomach grew a voice to inform me that whatever sort of deal I thought we'd had for the last thirty years, it could get up and leave any time. Specifically by throwing itself out of my mouth and flushing itself down the toilet if I touched another drop of that garlic gin.
The Cajuntini
This is perfect: I'm seeking the destruction of Martinis, and Cajun couldn't be more opposite to Martini if it was spelled initraM and made out of antimatter. It's a compound of French and Louisianian inbreeding, making it more damaging to English sophistication than being the rich evil landlord in a Disney movie about lovably incontinent CGI dogs.
The recipe requires that you infuse two small peppers into an entire bottle of gin. I spent several minutes searching for the text saying "if you're a Poe," before realizing: Duh! It's implied! I chopped two large green peppers and infused them into 4 ounces of gin.
Please imagine the powerful yellow-black warning signs and biohazard logos. I'm too busy trying to burn my tastebuds out.
I left it to brew in the fridge for a week. This gave my face just enough time to write its will.
Filter through a sieve, then a coffee filter. This gives sufficient time for prayers to your deity of choice.
Drinking It: Even -- nay, especially -- after the Garlictini, I wasn't ready for the result: it was really good. The peppergin was warm and spicy, a real tingling aftertaste without being too agressive. I felt like I'd just desecrated a tomb underneath Frankenstein's castle, and the only result was a successful archaeological career!
The Cajuntini was even better. The vermouth-gin balance was brilliant, a real Martini with a warm pepper feel woven throughout. I'm going to make more of this for the future, and apologize to anyone who was expecting my face to catch fire.
The Bacontini
Bacon is right after zombies on the Internet Meme's list of "Great Things We Have To Ruin By Repetition." Luckily, dead pig will always rise above fools, utterly un-ruinable by mere human hands. Unless you make a Bacontini.
One reason Bacon* is (normally) safe is that the internet is made of wimps. This "Bacontini" (and those aren't just "air quotes" but "annoying 'air quotes' said out loud in a mincing voice while flouncing your hands in the air") is just rimming the glass with bacon salt, which makes even the garlic-olive recipe above look like Dan Dare's Anti-Death potion, while this one has you merely shaking the martini with a little bitty bit of bacon you presumably asked your mommy for while twirling the pink ribbons in your hair. Especially since shaking a Martini is on par with taking off your pants, bending over the bar, and demanding the Big Boy Barman to ram the cocktail shaker up your ass.
*You're goddamn right I'll capitalize it
I fixed the hell out of this, infusing three bacon strips into 4 oz of gin for over a week.
That's not a river of grease, it's a Waterfall Of Flavor!
Drinking It: Infusion is like playing with gasoline -- easy to do and even easier to hurt yourself. The bacon gin had a week in the fridge followed by half an hour in the freezer, which expert meat-infusers recommend for the sophisticated and subtle stage of "trying to remove some of the continents of fat"
My heart just called, he's eloping with my stomach.
I filtered the whole thing four times but this liquid simply doesn't flow -- it seeps. It drips. It suppurates, a word for slowly leaking evil liquid I read in a horror book once and haven't been able to use until now. This is one of those times where the obvious comes back to bite you in the ass: yes, the gin smelled like bacon. Specifically, it smells like freezing cold bacon fat, which in retrospect is so obvious the only reason I didn't see it coming was denial.
It's time for Martinization and prayers for forgiveness. I didn't garnish the others, but this time it seemed appropriate so I fried up a fresh rasher of bacon, apologizing to it the entire time. Sometimes life isn't fair: you're born a pig, killed, slashed into strips, and then things get even worse.
I used my metal glass, as I'm not sure actual glass can contain liquid crimes against reality.
Once again, Martinization softens the blow, though after every swallow there's a horrible sense that you still need to chew.
100% of your Daily Allowance of Disgust
Why does this burn so much more than regular Martinis? I didn't add any spices or smoked bacon -- the heat is some kind of offended reaction by reality itself, sizzling and sparking around this horror I have unleashed upon the Earth and it's happening inside my mouth. I'm glad I used the metal, as a glass would undoubtedly have
a) shattered in my face
b) unfairly allowed me the better taste of swallowing my own blood.
I think I've set the Martini-ruining bar pretty high -- you could attach vermouth to a leper without ruining it quite so badly, because nobody expects lepers to taste good -- so now I'm off to the outside world to see what they can unleash.
Please continue to Part 3: The World's Best Martini!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.8
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Crip Walkin' Ravos 62,361  20
07/20/2010 01:04 PM
Only a real man uses generic president's choice brand tonic water.
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0 votes
0.0
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Luke McKinney 11,088 110
07/20/2010 01:10 PM
Well spotted! Yeah, I was trying that for another thing and it's not a mistake I'll ever repeat - when your tonic water tastes sweet there are some serious problems.
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0 votes
0.0
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YaImaGingerSo 215 6
07/20/2010 01:18 PM
Hey come bring your liquor cabinet to my college. I have 80 crazy party kids that would worship you. But they won't appreciate the knowledge that you and I have about alcohol. In fact their knowledge stops at their wallet. I offer shots of potato vodka (the expensive stuff) and they'd rather take a shot of taaka vodka. The comparison is filtered water to sewage water with a little feces floating in it. So come party we'll be the bartenders and teach these kids how to drink.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Sir Chix-A-Lot 282,028 58
07/20/2010 01:49 PM
Garlic is truly the food of the gods. The gods who's wives won't come within 20 feet of them.
Every once in a while it's worth it.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Thud 66,695 17
07/20/2010 06:27 PM
I was already laughing when I got to the "Waterfall of Flavor". I was laughing so hard thought I was going to choke.
Bravo.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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siv9939 12,376 16
07/21/2010 01:09 AM
I was laughing so hard thought I was going to choke.
...on bacon?
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
07/21/2010 04:14 PM
Oh my Lord. I kept a list of all the lines that made me laugh out loud.
"the most horrific combination of two of my favorite things since a cheerleader got sucked* into a jet engine"
"at least babies slurp from human flesh"
"a man about to crash a helicopter into his own tongue"
"This gave my face just enough time to write its will."
"I haven't seen such a horrifically destructive green thing relaxed so much since Bruce Banner got a Valium and a handjob"
"You presumably asked your mommy for while twirling the pink ribbons in your hair"
"That's not a river of grease, it's a Waterfall Of Flavor!"
"You're born a pig, killed, slashed into strips, and then things get even worse."
"100% of your Daily Allowance of Disgust"
"After every swallow there's a horrible sense that you still need to chew"
"Nobody expects lepers to taste good"
If this is Luke McKinney writing drunk, he's about to get a lifetime supply of Guinness, courtesy of ZUG.
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