MY DI**'S ON FIRE!!!
A comedy article
by PacificPhi  1,860  6
07/21/2010 12:37 PM 893 views
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Everyone's got one of those guilty pleasure food items that they indulge in despite knowing (or not knowing) what's in it.
Here's mine:
Sure it's got a salt content roughly that of the Dead Sea, the MSG goodness mixed with a little Tabasco is to ramen what the Louvre is to art. Though terrible for me, as I have the willpower of a priest in a preschool, it's going to stay in the regular dietary rotation. I'll save you the picture of the nutritional facts but suffice it to say that salt licks are healthier and each one of these beauties is at least a couple of servings. If your a complete and total sissy boy*.
*A picture was going to be added here... I would highly recommend against running a Google image search for those 2 words, in that order, at work.
So a couple of days ago, I'm sitting at the computer waiting the painfully long 4-5 minutes for the soup to work it's magic so I can add my "taste enhancers". That's right, this badass TAKES IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH WITH TASTE ENHANCERS. Of course the phone rings and though I love her dearly, the GF should know at this point in our relationship that it's feedin' time. I begrudgingly answer the phone only to be asked a number of questions that cannot be answered from my throne o' soup.
This is where the train goes off her rails in the worst way humanly possible. My standing up causes the the most painful chain of events that I have ever experienced.
As I rise, the computer's keyboard tray (AKA my soup table) slides in, forcing the full gallon of ramen directly into my lap. Now, this has been recounted to me as there was a black-out moment, but my girlfriend thought I was stripping a small child of its skin. Apparently, I could have made a banshee blush with feelings of inadequacy once it heard me.
We're talking about a 4-ball alarm fire.
This is where the title of the story comes into play as I scream it, drop the phone (into whatever soup wasn't cradling my loins) and frantically start trying to create a space between the ole' twig and berries and what I now refer to as the denim of destruction. Damn you "straight leg" cut, if I were rockin' it a la the 8th grade, the baggies would have never let me down.
As the panic that I might become Jake Barnes from The Sun Also Rises (look it up) sets in, the flight in "fight or flight" was the only option. I tear my pants and undies down to my ankles (which are now also burning) and bolt for the shower... Screaming all the while.
Despite the screaming, I was holding onto hope that I might keep this a personal issue. That was until I remember that my lovely GF has put off those new curtains she's promised to sew for months now and that our entire living room is essentially a viewing gallery for no fewer that 5 neighbors. Oh, and that's the only way to the bathroom. While I could have lucked out with no one being outside, the sobs were none too subtle and drew some attention.
I blast through the living room, falling only once and exposing myself in a manner not fitting of a gentleman, making it to our footed tub where I promptly fall in, head first. Once cold water hit what was left of my manhood and his two best buddies, the GF could hear what she described as the most pornographic moan she'd ever heard. From across the house. Yeah, she was still on the phone.
While no permanent damage was done to anything, I had some pretty bad topical burns and a severely damaged ego 'cause half the place saw me flapping in the wind, crying like someone had just stole my Barbie.
And it was only Monday...
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
21 votes
4.1
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Crip Walkin' Ravos 63,472  21
07/21/2010 12:41 PM
I was expecting this to be by Pram.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Straw Spangled Banner 98,023 37
07/21/2010 12:52 PM
The "flames" on that pair of underwear look a little too....brown.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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PacificPhi 1,860 6
07/21/2010 12:56 PM
Yeah, believe it or not, they don't sell novelty "I just sauteed my crotch" undies... Weird huh?
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Funny
9 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
07/21/2010 02:24 PM
Best article submitted by a new user this month. Outstanding job, thanks for the contribution and best of luck with the nutsack skin graft.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Crip Walkin' Ravos 63,472 21
07/21/2010 02:36 PM
Only article submitted by a new user this month
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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Jeeni 47,815 51
07/21/2010 05:15 PM
Nicely written, PacificPhi. I could totally see your painful story as it played out. Ouch!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
07/21/2010 05:30 PM
I'm still trying to figure out what it is that owns an On Fire. And what the hell is an On Fire?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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JackyMaille 46,366 58
07/21/2010 08:27 PM
The title to this thread brought to mind this classic.
Don't worry, a lot of aloe and a few weeks and you'll hardly know anything had happened!
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Cinderblock 27,578 25
07/21/2010 08:32 PM
best of luck with the nutsack skin graft.
Do you think you could use elephant skin?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Shell Belle 77,143 25
07/21/2010 08:43 PM
Well done. Very funny.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Cruz. Limited Est. 1985 9,993 12
07/21/2010 09:01 PM
Do you think you could use elephant skin?
Elephant skin ? you're thinking too small, you want to have a word with these people.
I'm not sure if it's SFW or not, I guess if your boss already thinks you have bizarre animal fetishes I wouldn't push my luck.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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ker-PRAM! 80,728 42
07/22/2010 08:14 AM
Soup in a cup used to be my guilty pleasure, while it was pleasurable. Spilling a Cup Of Noodles on my chest which caused the skin to melt off when I was 8 put the kabosh on that deal.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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PacificPhi 1,860 6
07/22/2010 10:07 AM
Do you think you could use elephant skin?
I'm flattered just by the notion someone would consider elephant ANYTHING for my nether-regions...
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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PoloChukker 4,634 12
08/04/2010 09:45 PM
I know it's been a while, but when did Gab start encouraging (new) people?
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Thud 68,525 19
08/04/2010 09:57 PM
Since our new Live! Overlords decided on a new and happy place.
I'm happy to be a Liver. I like the Kool-Aid.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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PoloChukker 4,634 12
08/04/2010 10:05 PM
It better be grape flavored with a cyanide after-taste. That's the only kind I like.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Thud 68,525 19
08/04/2010 10:07 PM
Does grape cover the almond aftertaste better than the blue raspberry?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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PoloChukker 4,634 12
08/04/2010 10:16 PM
Almond? Blue raspberry? Cyanide? Grape?
Great. Now I'm confused.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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dinesh 24,862 16
08/04/2010 10:45 PM
wb polo!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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PoloChukker 4,634 12
08/06/2010 06:39 PM
A belated thank you, Dinesh.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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PacificPhi - Back In Action 1,860 6
03/08/2011 09:05 PM
I was cutting and pasting this story to translate for a friend and wanted to notify the Zug population that shockingly, the URL "www.whalepenis.org" (thanks Cruz!) is once again available.
Who in their right might would ever let that one slip away???
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Pubah 56,851 18
03/09/2011 12:48 AM
"My Dike's on fire?"
Burn witch...Burn!
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