For hardcore videogamers, exercise is like Kryptonite. That's why companies are trying to promote new Wii and Xbox exercise titles as "videogame fitness," avoiding the dreaded e-word.
But do they work? To find out, I recently submitted myself to an entire day of exercise videogames, to see if they could strengthen anything besides my thumb.
Even though I'm already so effortlessly sexy!
Wii Fit
The Wii is the Robin Williams of consoles -- it looks stupid, most of the recent stuff sucks, and it's making millions upon millions of dollars. One of the most mocked games in history, Wii Fit, is the third best-selling console game of all time. It did this by targeting a market for whom "a gentle game of tennis" was an escapist fantasy: old people. For them, being able to play tennis again is a bigger thrill than saving the world in a cheerleader-powered battlesuit..
This photo only needs a transgender person to complete its Equal Opportunities Political Correctness Bingo Card!
I chose Wii Fit Plus, which benefits from two extra years of research into "It Now Takes a Hundred Dollars of Electronics to Make Someone Bend Over a Bit"-ology. Modern civilization is awesome!
Awesome and insane!
Another great update is the "How much clothing are you wearing?" with the usual "light" and "heavy" options, then the very definitely non-specific "other" pre-set to 0 kg. Just "other," because Nintendo engineers don't want to imagine you swaying and flapping to their programmed instructions.
Wii Fit: Working Out
It's an excellent stretching instructor, but you have to design a custom routine if you want your heart to know you're awake. Otherwise, every sixty seconds of exercise is interrupted by more button-pushing, idiotic safety warnings, and self-affirming platitudes than using a bandsaw on the set of Oprah Winfrey. There isn't much cardio, but you've got to give them credit for trying to undo what the previous twenty years of Nintendo have done to your spine.
Over time, videogames have the same effect on your back as the Tombstone Piledriver
Wii Fit: Effects
I've just been called overweight and ordered onto all fours by my computer. And people say the Wii isn't hardcore.
Speaking of non-hardcore surprises, I was pleasantly astonished that there is no Rule 34 pornography for the Wii Fit. Nowadays you can't even search for "Teen Titans" without seeing terrible, terrible things.
The Wii Fit instructor hangs around every day, talks to the player, has an unnatural skin tone, and does slow allegedly non-sexual exercises for her fans? She couldn't be better designed for the obsessive internet market if she was sexually attracted to basements.
There is fan porn of everything...
EVERYTHING
... and here's a videogame female without any. I'm actually proud of Nintendo's casual gamer market.
It's not like she's being suggestive or anything
Wii Fit: Results
After six non-grueling hours of Wii Fit, I decided the most important part of the game isn't the balance board or the exercises: it's the graph that tracks your weight every day. It turns the High Score part of your head into a self-powered weight watcher, and trust me, the part of your brain built to murder more Space Invaders can actually override the part that wants to eat donuts. It's worrying that Nintendo has programmed my brain to think this way, but I guess that's how I was raised.
BY A NES.
It's crazy uncle ROB! (He's unemployed now.)
Even after all that playing, I was just getting warmed up. Now it was time to DANCE!
Please continue to Part 2: Dance Dance Revolution!
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