I'm out to prove that you can get fit by playing videogames, by playing them for a solid day. After my non-strenuous marathon Wii Fit session (read Part 1 here), it was time to play the only game mocked even harder.
Dance Dance Revolution
Yes, the game that involves synchronizing "dance moves" in time to vertically-scrolling colored arrows (great if you don't believe dance should involve the arms). I got a dance mat and every version of "DDR Universe" for less than the price of one new game, because the price of prancing simulators plummeted the day that someone figured out how to plug in a guitar instead. I wasn't embarrassed to buy them, because I don't believe the negative stereotype of DDR players: they're a bunch of pasty Nipponophile anime heads watching cartoons about underage girls with eyes the size of dinner plates.
Would you like to play with me? And get to meet Chris Hansen?
But the very first character was an underage, blue-haired schoolgirl shaking her ass like she just saw Shaft arrive in her strip club. I scored an Xbox achievement for clearing 10 songs in my first session, and I'm fairly sure it then uploaded my address to an FBI database. I tried to change the character, only to find the next four options were playing "dress up" with your adorably underage friend wearing cowboy clothes and, presumably, swearing that she's over 18. I think if you use all four, your Xbox just starts screaming "Run away, little girl!" at frequencies only children can hear.
Why yes, Xbox, the sort of person who picks this IS single! How could you tell?
I finally found Kung Fu Action Black Dynamite.
The good news: I won't be arrested. The bad news: this game trains you in the honkiest dancing imaginable. Hitting the steps using only your feet, locking your hips and upper body into a perfect parody of "All y'all white guys can't dance."
Seriously, y'all, DAAAMMMN
DDR: Working Out
After turning the pedophile switch to OFF, you have to silence the commentator. Years of being me have rendered me immune to shame, but being insulted by a voice actor who couldn't get a job anywhere but on the DDR game disc will drive you to murder.
For actual exercise, DDR jerkily tap-dances all over Wii Fit: choose max difficulty, run on the spot between songs, and it brings your heart up to high gain and just keeps it there by distracting you with flashing lights and techno. What's insult to the whole idea of human intelligence is that this method works better. DDR is a better workout than an inspirational instructor, or even playing "Eye of the Tiger" on an endless loop.
It's also proof that when Holodecks arrive we'll be the best at everything. It might be the last generation of humanity, as we play Cheerleader/Firefighter Quest instead of breeding, but I can confirm that videogames are the ultimate educational tool. Toward the end of the day, an incomprehensible storm of arrows would suddenly pour up the screen, and while my brain screamed "Buh?!" my feet shot out and hit them all. In the future, we'll use videogames for everything from resetting bones to Krav Maga.
That's it, future, we're having a dance-off!
Exhausted and dripping with sweat, I briefly thought about spending more time outside doing healthy things, than by tainting my Xbox GamerScore with a thousand points of "Dancing to DDR." But then I decided instead to take out the big guns: VIOLENCE!
Please continue to Part 3: Street Fitter IV!
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