Ben Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy," but Ben Franklin was not alive to witness beers like Keystone Light or Bud Lime. For every decent brew, there are twelve Natural Ices or Milwaukee's Bests waiting to ruin the party.
But which is the truly worst beer?
I'm an alcohologist, committed to studying the entire spectrum of beer science. To warn you of the most dastardly beers ever made, today I'll be drinking the worst beers I can find, determining the worst ones, so you don't have to.
YOU make me do this
I got up at 8:00 a.m., because if I'm going to drink for a living I should at least pretend it's work, and began my scientific study.
Bud Light
This is so watery it counts as my morning shower
If you didn't know Bud Light would be first, then you work for Anheuser-Busch. (Or Labatt in Canada, which compresses just as much suck into half the syllables.) Bud Light is designed for people who find the full-flavored taste of Bud too powerful, which is strange, because I've never seen a sensorily-deprived albino kitten order beer before. If anyone found Bud too strong a taste, they'd choke to death on fresh air.
The only thing that got me through was the constant thought of "I'm getting to drink beer for work," and I had to repeat it like a mantra, because the beer sure as hell wasn't reminding me.
I'm on a sunny balcony drinking first thing in the morning, and Bud Light is making it suck.
You get more flavor licking your own teeth. I found, however, that if you knock back half a can in a desperate attempt to get it over with, the mild pollutants posing as flavor add up to "noticeable." The taste is a weak acid, like a tired watch battery trying to annoy you, but even being hit feels good when you're coming out of a coma. Which my face was.
The real tragedy is how this is the closest the US could get to Ace Rimmer
Carlsberg Lite
I believe that nationalism is the root of most of the stupider problems in the world, but after Bud Light: Screw America. I turned to the brewmeisters of Europe for the next beer, only to be horrified:
The only can to come with two free logical impossibilities!
Carlsberg Lite? The regular Danish drink might not win any awards, or even be allowed to attend the ceremony, but Lite? Carlsberg was a good friend in my undergraduate years: this is like meeting your college sweetheart ten years later, on a street corner, and she's wearing three colors of mascara and ragged fishnets. You get angry at her for ending up like that, and at the world for allowing it to happen.
Why would Carlsberg do this to itself? There are drinks born for this type of work, the Buds and Coors of the world, but those horrible American men aren't worth demeaning yourself for, Carlie. Here, come with me, we'll feed you some proper hops and get you back on your feet. It's going to be okay.
Putting your mouth back on an ex is always a bad idea. Though at least this one was lighter than before
And it actually was OK -- for the first gulp. The back of my brain was screaming something about the beer sucking like Tila Tequila trying to seduce a black hole, but after Bud Light it was like a tiny surgeon ran out of the can to reconnect my tastebuds. Those nerves started sending signals like "bland," "boring," and "we actually feel a little numb," but I do have to recommend this over Bud Light. Then again, I'd recommend guest-starring in the The Human Centipede over drinking Bud Light.
Please continue to Part 2: Cannibis beer!
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