If you're just joining us, I'm the only man in the world for whom "Have you been drinking?" is now a metaphysical question. I'm drinking the Worst Beers* I can find for breakfast (read Part 1 here) and I've already ingested two cans so light I'm now technically a zeppelin. And even if Anheuser-Busch fired the cans directly through my frontal lobes, I will never spell it "LITE," because I speak proper English.
*Capitalized for the same reason you capitalize Satan
Kingfisher
Kingfisher is a cruel anti-mirage, something which doesn't appear to be water but actually is. It's also only $1.70/bottle, making it a cheaper, lower-class alcohol than many kinds of aftershave.
I took the other beers outside for their photos. Kingfisher's lucky I didn't smash open the bottle and spit in it. WHICH WOULD HAVE ADDED FLAVOR.
I've learned a lot about the world from their beers: the rich character of the Scots, the quantity-over-quality of North America, and how the Germans can be quite terrifyingly good at something when they set their minds to it. Today I learn: India doesn't give a rat's ass about beer. This isn't surprising, as their national drink is a type of tea and the majority of their religions discourage alcohol. So where Kingfisher advertises itself as "India's Premium Lager," just remember the Yugo could say it's "Serbia's Premium Car."
I can't even make the classic comparison with urine, as Kingfisher lacks the color and character depth of good piss. I don't know how you spend 150 years making a beer without ever accidentally tasting some -- perhaps the brewery staff wear spacesuits, or think they've been making mineral water all this time -- but I do know that anyone able to ferment alcohol, or with a sense of smell, can instantly tell this is liquid misery.
Terrifyingly, this bottle was prepared under license in the actual alcohol-enjoying UK; those responsible will surely face the same consequences as Nazi collaborators when they're discovered, hiding in their cave and dripping tepid water through moldy napkins which once mopped up a real drink. Then they will water the result down, because mold actually has a flavor.
Millenium Buzz Beer
The first thing you'll notice is the cannabis logo, because they built an entire beer around that marketing strategy.
The second thing you'll notice is that it's in the trash, because that's what happens when you build an entire beer around a marketing strategy.
Because it's still illegal to sell marijuana in this country, the "buzz" theme is a warning that the contents are weakly organic crap designed for a target market of "guy who buys anything having to do with being stoned." The only cannabis-related products which don't suck are:
1) Cannabis
2) Nachos
The promised "organic" taste is delivered entirely in the form of dirt. Earth. Mud. Buzz Beer pulls off the extraordinary feat of tasting like a mouthful of soil while remaining watery and bodyless, a true Zen state of terrible opposites. And if we lived in a just world, being made of solid Earth and intangibility would mean you were half of the Fantastic Four.
Beer isn't usually made of hemp for a variety of good reasons (and you'll understand all of them if you drink some Buzz). I suppose the combination of soil and water makes this the ultimate hippie beer. Also the fact it's extremely weak, smells like dirt, and totally sucks at its job.
Please continue to Part 3: Limeageddon!
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