The Amazingly Bad Beer Experiment: Part 3
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,088  110
08/06/2010 12:38 PM 6058 views
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I'm replacing my breakfast with the worst beers I can find (read Part 1 here), and I've just discovered it isn't even 10:00 a.m. yet. That's how terrible these beers are: when you drink a bunch of them, it's suddenly earlier than you thought.
Now it's time for the ultimate crime: LIME BEER, a phrase on par with JUSTIN BIEBER ALBUM or PORCUPINE-THEMED CONDOMS. The only problem, not only here but in my life-experience to date, is that I've already found the worst drink in the entire world. In fact, Bud Light Lime is the worst bottled anything anywhere (including the CDC lab where they keep Tila Tequila's pap smears).
How can I find something nearly as terrible? Ha ha, this is America, my friend! I just buy the ripoff!
MILLER CHILL
DANGER: lovely sunlit photo contains more natural products (and is infinitely better) than actual contents
I love beer, I hate Miller Chill, and those are both the same fact.
The idea that someone would copy Bud Lime should lead to the same reaction as finding out someone's cloning Hitler: a one-man assault on their secret labs, machine gunning everthing you see, and finding increasingly powerful weapons to blow the whole place to smithereenettes. Videogames have trained millions of people for those exact circumstances, so WHY DOES THIS DRINK STILL EXIST?
I am disgusted with you. If you didn't read my articles, I'd be homeless and drinking far superior paint thinner.
Again, it tastes like a leaking battery violated a lime's dead grandmother: there is nothing about the concept which isn't wrongified wrongness, and now it's even wronger because it's a copy. Such horrific tongue-mutilation should be the product of genuine psychosis -- when a company can watch someone else inflict this pain, and then think "Me Too," they need to be shut down with more hateful prejudice than a Proposition 8 rally.
I appear to be swearing directly at you for allowing this to happen. I'd say I'm sorry but YOU MADE ME DRINK THIS
While Bud's anticitrus fades away before you've even swallowed, Chill's taste hangs around your mouth like the guy from Saw to enjoy the torture it inflicts. I've never felt the muscles under my nose clench before -- and this isn't the sneezing muscles, this is the substructure that holds the flesh onto the front of your skull. I could feel the inside of my face screwing up like it was trying to shove itself into my mouth to block the drink's invasion point.
I look like an old woman whose poodle had just pissed in her teapot
It's more artificial evil than an android cancelling your health insurance. Chill is the alcohol equivalent of the Joker: it only exists because some rich guy is being really stupid. At least the Miller CEO is making money from his evil, and not getting innocent people killed. Still, anyone who buys Chill is guilty of abetting crimes against humanity, and deserves everything they get.
Conclusion
I want to apologize to everyone who was expecting this to turn into crazy antics as I got drunk on beers I hated, including my own past self who planned this article. It's only 9:56 am, I've drunk five beers, and the closest I've come to a mood altering chemical is PURE HATRED.
I've been exposed to the horrors of corporate culture, come close to hating alcohol (which means I'm endangering my very soul) and -- due to the aggressively antiholic nature of light/gimmick beers -- I'm stone sober. It's as if my body's refusing to get drunk on this.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go salvage this day, repair my mood, restore my faith in alcohol and meet some very dear friends.
ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Luke McKinney has also endured the worst alcopops in existence, created incredibly gross martinis, and overclocked his metabolism. He also does much more.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.1
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Chix daily fix day 26 282,028  58
08/06/2010 01:02 PM
The last photo made for a concise, Hollywood ending.
Sellout.
Well suffered sir.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
08/06/2010 03:56 PM
It tastes like a leaking battery violated a lime's dead grandmother.
Comedy genius.
Once more, thank you for donating your taste buds for science.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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MoonlitRebecca 5 4
08/06/2010 04:39 PM
Tecate is much worse than any of these.
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Amusing
4 votes
1.5
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Brock R 7 5
08/06/2010 09:13 PM
You forgot Natural Ice, possibly the worse beer of all time.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Under the covers with Diana 99,723 76
08/06/2010 09:17 PM
My brother got a ticket for open container on July 4th. He said when he arrived at court, there were 75 other people waiting for sentencing for the exact same reason. Apparently, the judge was required to read off the name of the beer each person was caught drinking. Because of this, the courtroom never emptied out - the accused stuck around to heckle each other after they were sentenced. My brother said everyone received the same fine, but those who were announced to have been drinking beers like Old Milwaukee and Bud Light got laughed at by the both the bailiff and the assembled crowd.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Mr Samsa 88 5
08/08/2010 12:11 PM
I couldn't agree more with those horrible beers... for my 22nd bday a girl i was hooking up with sent her friend out for beer. He brought back miller light... i proceeded to hold his head over the toilet as i drowned him with all 12 bottles and told him to not return until there was atleast a road dog porter, or arrogant bastard ale in my hand. I will remark on your taste in good scotch, it took me awhile to like laphroig (i saw it in the cabinet during your "martini" taste test) but glen livet 15 french oak reserve isnt to horrible... if you want soemthing thats incredible, give the balvenie 15 year single barrel a shot, its pricey but well balanced, smooth, with just enough peaty-ness to it. Keep ruining your liver for our lulz, i appreciate your dedication to science!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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schrepjm 5 5
08/09/2010 10:22 AM
To be fair (something none of the abominations deserve) Miller Chill was actually out before Bud Light Lime. And in my decidedly unscientific research I mostly agree with your findings but would like to nominate Keystone Light as a dishonorable mention. The stuff is generic Coors Light. Read that twice and let it sink in.
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