I was on a mission to taste the strangest "gourmet" chocolate bars I could find, rating each for flavor and weirdness [read Part 1 here]. Now things were getting nutty (but without the nuts).
Komfort Chocolate Ramen Noodle
For true authenticity, this bar contains 350% of your daily recommended sodium intake.
There seems something inherently wrong with using ramen noodles, a staple of people who can't afford better food or just enjoy eating garbage (I'm in the latter category), in gourmet chocolate. This bar of chocolate costs as much as thirty packs of Oodles of Noodles.
My first question was, "Did they use a flavor packet?" Thankfully (or sadly, depending on how violently salty and/or rancid-fish-tasting you like your food), they didn't use any seasoning bags. Even though it was only plain ramen, the ingredients list wasn't void of questionable and scary ingredients. Sodium or salt makes an appearance in various ways six times!
One thing I appreciate about the bar is its simplicity. Simple label, simple description. All they say is: dark chocolate with ramen noodles. They don't bother wasting words on things such as, you know, why? Why ramen noodles? Why didn't you include the dehydrated peas and pieces of beef?
For maximum consumer appeal, have the ingredients in your chocolate resemble escaping maggots.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 - It's ramen noodles. In chocolate.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 8 - Good quality chocolate with a mild crunch and a ramen aftertaste that's actually quite appealing, even if you're not living in a van.
Vosges Black Pearl Bar
The bar got slightly less weird when I realized those weren't fleas.
Are they making these flavors because they think they'll taste good, or just throwing things together so comedy writers will try them?
The Black Pearl Bar consists of dark chocolate, black sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi. And, to its credit, that's all it contains ... no weird fillers. Aside from the sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi.
A picture of a woman shopping on a bar of chocolate: we have reached the zenith of female stereotypes.
I'll get right to the point: this bar was really good. The sesame seeds are nice, giving a crunchy contrast to the bar; the ginger goes well also. My disappointment was the wasabi.
I don't think I've ever had real wasabi -- most restaurant "wasabi" is just horseradish, mustard, corn starch, and green dye. Unfortunately, I was expecting that familiar kick of horseradish. Instead, the milder wasabi was used here, and served to compliment the chocolate, rather than assailing my sinuses with a four-alarm wasabi fire.
The nerve of this company!
I noticed that wasabi, sesame seeds, and ginger are all sushi accoutrements, so I made this bar into sushi. I had no rice or vegetables, so I'll call my sushi "deconstructed," which is a word they use a lot on cooking shows.
(Image source: US Airways in-flight dining promotional brochure)
I despise all forms of seafood, so it was a miracle I even had canned sardines on hand.
Surprisingly, this did not taste as good as it looked.
The idea that you could close your eyes and let the flavors combine into what could be called "sushi" didn't quite pan out. It was more a case of letting the flavors combine into what could be called "microwaved garbage."
Weirdness (Out of 10): 6 - The usage of real wasabi took away the spicy novelty this could have had.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 9 - Very good stuff. I miss the days when the only way I ate this was plain, without canned fish.
Chocolove XOXOX Chilies & Cherries
Going with the "less is more" approach to wrapper design, I see
I would normally assume that a company named "Chocolove" that also had three X's in its name would manufacture body paint or edible underwear. Instead, they manufacture high-end chocolate. They still keep the sexual overtones by describing the chocolate as "exciting," "stimulating," and having "chili flavors." It even has a love poem inside the wrapper entitled "The Kiss". I started to read it, but there were too many words with "e" replaced by an apostrophe, so I couldn't be bother'd.
That's either a heart, a cherry, or an ass.
The chocolate itself was very good: the dried cherries gave it some chewiness, and the peppers provided an overall heat rather than an intense spike. Still, I couldn't help feeling I would see this bar on an episode of Law & Order: SVU sometime soon.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 4 - While spicy chocolate might not be the norm, it's not too unusual anymore.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 7 - It tast'd quite good, although I don't think their claims of being stimulat'd by the peppers were to be perceiv'd.
Theo 3400 Phinney Coconut Curry
Chocolate companies have finally heard our cries of "More turmeric!"
Right off the bat, I'll give this bar credit for specifying a serving size of ONE BAR. Most "gourmet" bars list a bar as about eight servings. As if you're going to bite off one square of chocolate, then yell, "Wow, I'm stuffed!"
This bar smells like the inside of an Indian restaurant.
It's either really good or really bad, depending on which taste wave you're currently riding. At first, it's an initial reaction of shock, laced with mild disgust. I love curry, but my mind could not process curry chocolate. Then you sort of get it, and start to really like the taste. Shortly thereafter, you realize you have a mouthful of New Delhi, and you spit it out.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 - I'd seen a lot of chocolates with peppers, salt, and other odd ingredients, but never curry. Also, my fingertips seem to be stained yellow from the turmeric. I hope people believe that explanation.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 6 - This bar is the food equivalent of trying to hang out with your real friends and your work friends at the same time. The chocolate was good, the curry was good. The chocolate and curry together is just an uncomfortable night for everyone.
So far, so bad. I had saved my most disgusting bars for last -- but I was in for a few surprises.
Continue to Part 3: The Sweet Conclusion!
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