Ultimate Insane Chocolate Bar Taste Test, Part 3
A comedy article
by Robb Posch  1,375  13
08/17/2010 04:38 PM 10571 views
|
|
I was experimenting with all the bizarre/gourmet (those categories overlap) chocolate bars on the market, tasting each and rating them, so you don't have to [read Part 1 here]. And I saved the worst, or possibly the best, for last.
Komfort Chocolate French Toast
Unfortunately, their budget for pictures on the wrapper ran dry.
Since French toast is sugary, I was expecting this bar to be ridiculously sweet, and it did not disappoint. Actually, it did disappoint, but sweet Lord was it sugary.
Not pictured: sassy waitress refilling your coffee while dropping this in front of you.
Instead of using breadcrumbs, the hottest trend of this decade, Komfort used bagel chips. Which sounds awesome, but the bar was just way too sweet to handle much at one time. Some might argue that not being able to eat an entire bar of chocolate is a good thing, but I think those people are underachievers.
The inclusion of bagel chips made me realize that a dark chocolate bar with pieces of pumpernickel bagel chips would probably be off the charts amazing. But instead, we have an oddly soft bar with the sweetness of shotgunning three packets of Sweet'N Low.
Also, it didn't taste like French toast.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 5 - A pretty straightforward concept that could have worked, if only they had drenched it in maple syrup.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 3 - Just way too freaking sweet. Have the insulin ready!
Chuao Firecracker
Warning: Do not eat this while consuming Coca-Cola.
Good news: if you have a desire to have your "throat warmed" by an "explosion" of the "wild side of chocolate" that "playfully tingles and pops," you are in luck! Or suicidal.
The Firecracker bar is dark chocolate, chipotle, salt, and Pop Rocks. They call it "popping candy," but we know what that is ... and who it killed.
I don't think I've ever eaten Pop Rocks by themselves -- do you chew them or just let them sit there? This is why I avoid certain foods; I just don't know how to eat them. I never eat Nerds because they confuse me. They're too small to chew, and too painful to swallow whole. Plus, they're named after my friends.
I'd give this bar a round of applause, but it makes the noise for you.
This is probably my favorite bar in the whole experiment. The chocolate, peppers, and salt go together perfectly, the best sweet/savory balance of all my test bars. But the Pop Rocks are the real star, perfect for annoying people. While my wife is trying to use the computer or watch TV, it is endless fun to sit there with my mouth hanging open, emitting a constant stream of loud snaps and pops. It's never been easier to passively enrage those around you.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 - The Pop Rocks didn't make the bar "weird" as it did "unique." Also, "annoying"!
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 10 - Everything tasted good, and my stomach didn't explode.
Komfort Chocolate Tortilla Lime & Salt
Marketing lesson #1: chocolate packaging should not be green
I know what you're thinking: "With Cinco de Mayo only nine months away, what chocolates should I be stocking up on?" Here is your answer.
Komfort's Tortilla Lime & Salt takes all the ingredients no one ever requested, and turned it into a bar. Is this one of those instances where it sounds so odd it just might work? No.
Staying with the Mexican theme, this probably will taste much better after a few shots of tequila
The first problem is it's the same semi-mushy milk chocolate from their French Toast bar. Next, the whole thing tastes like lime zest. I love limes, but usually because I associate them with ingesting gin.
The tortilla pieces are way too small, though on the bright side, at least the tortillas were plain and not nacho cheese flavored. I probably could have tolerated Cool Ranch.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 7 - An interesting and bizarre concept that fails to get executed. Someone should get executed for this disaster, though.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 3 - Lime-y mushy chocolate.
Vosges Mo's Dark Bacon Bar
I'm glad to see Mo from Nickelodeon's GUTS is finding work.
Well, it's the last bar, so I might as well go out with a bang.
Upon unwrapping the bar, the bacon smell is clearly evident. It might not be kitchen-at-IHOP levels of bacon aroma, but there is definitely more bacon smell that you want in your chocolate.
I had high hopes for this bar due to the story on the packaging. Katrina, the founder of the company, tells a story of her childhood breakfast. Apparently at six years old, her breakfast consisted of chocolate chip pancakes and bacon.
If you are bitterly jealous of her childhood, you are not alone.
Then she mentions how some of the maple syrup would get on the bacon, voila, sweet plus salty, the rest is history. Or, rather the present. The present in which I am confronted with a chocolate bar with bacon in it.
Okay, no more procrastinating, time to eat the chocolate covered pig rind.
I guess technically you could put this on a salad.
I placed a big piece in my mouth, letting it melt as I braced for impact. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered it was ... good(?)(!). Really good, as a matter of fact.
The little bacon pieces are crisp, which alleviated some of my fear that there would be fat globules suspended in the bar. They're also spaced well so you get enough bacon flavor to notice it's there, but not too much where it turns into Baconettes.
Well, I'm confused. I was hoping for a big, disgusting finish, but instead I got a really good bar. How disappointing. Not for Katrina, however, who will now have more money for pancakes and bacon thanks to this stellar review.
Weirdness (Out of 10): 10 - If there comes a time where bacon and chocolate is a widely accepted combination, it will prove we have taken our national bacon obsession a bit too far.
Deliciousness (Out of 10): 10 - Absolutely fantastic. Now they just need to introduce a chocolate covered Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich.
Conclusion
If I learned one thing from this experiment, it's that it's really hard to ruin chocolate. No matter how many weird ingredients you smother it with, it's nearly always delicious, as the following chart illustrates:
So maybe there's something to the gourmet chocolate trend after all. Because believe me: once you've had bacon, you'll never go back.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
16 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167403
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
Funny
6 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167406
Hi, this is Jeeni. Pls leave a msg. 43,391  49
08/17/2010 04:56 PM
I absolutely agree about the bacon chocolate bar. It's awesome. Too expensive, but so good.
The one I bought was for Dogs, as part of his Secret Santa gift package but I ended up eating it myself. (Sorry Dogs!!)
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
8 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167424
panicBoy 313 8
08/17/2010 07:49 PM
A lot of boutique-y chocolatiers in my area have taken to simply enrobing entire strips of really well-cooked high-end bacon in chocolate. Where the Vosges bacon bar (while I agree is good) is a mere Coleridgetease, these ribbons of smoky pork sweetness are the handjob you got that one night that you still think about 20 years later in order to just come and get the the Frost to bed goddammit you gotta be up at four-thirty for chrissakes!
Did I just say all that? Oh well, wish there was a way to take it back. [SEND]
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167451
siv9939 12,376 16
08/18/2010 12:00 AM
I think you should sample each again, only this time your hopped up on miracle fruit.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167572
Straw-ra-ra-boom-de-ay 95,470 36
08/18/2010 02:20 PM
Katrina, the founder of the company, tells a story of her childhood breakfast. Apparently at six years old, her breakfast consisted of chocolate chip pancakes and bacon.
Hmmm, my daughter has that for Saturday morning breakfast on occasion. I guess that means she's going to grow up and make chocolate for a living? Awesome!!!
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054167618
Robb Posch 1,375 13
08/18/2010 09:24 PM
I'm pretty sure according to many of our consumer by-laws, it would be required that your child eat this a minimum of three days a week in order to be allowed to tell a similar tale on any potential future packaging.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054168407
charlie guitea 29 7
08/23/2010 10:43 PM
I once had a chocolate that didn't work at all: a chocolate garlic cup. It was a chocolate cup a la Reese's containing a garlic paste. Come to think of it, it might have been a prank.
|
| |
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054168411
Thud 66,695 17
08/23/2010 11:19 PM
Charlie, were you in Gilroy when you got that thing? Maybe at a Garlic Festival from Hell?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054168485
Robb Posch 1,375 13
08/24/2010 12:30 PM
I think his assumption that it was a prank rings much more true. That sounds truly disgusting, and not in a "It just might work!" type of way.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054168528
Fratberry 277,318 52
08/24/2010 02:39 PM
What the French, Toast??
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054170432
South Park 0 3
09/04/2010 04:17 PM
:D
|
|
|
|
Store
