We're buliding a back-to-basics competitor to the iPhone: the tPhone (read Part 1 here). It's not actually made of tin anymore, but nowadays brand identity is far more important than reality (see: every product ever).
Because the new tPhone 3G is plasticated and fun, I thought "Do I know any experts in shiny materials and fun?" And because my life is fantastic, the answer was "HELL YES!" I recruited the Kink Engineers. (WARNING: NSFW link, a.k.a. "Oh yeah, you're going to click that now, baby.")
Archean (left) and MadScientist (right) and yes, this is their actual job.
Free Minute Packages
iPhone
If you want to buy the iPhone for less than the price of a human kidney, you're going to have to sell three years of your life to a phone company. But you do get a bunch of free minutes for you and your friends, which shows you how much the phone company values three years of your life.
tPhone
The tPhone 3G works fantastically, offering infinite free minutes for one friend/partner.
Also pictured: complete on-the-spot tPhone maintenance kit
Whatever formula you use to calculate the comparison, goddamn infinity means the tPhone wins. It's especially suitable for married couples!
SCORING:
tPhone: 4
iPhone: 1
Conference Calling
iPhone
Another big deal for the iPhone is the ability to make conference calls, with the touchscreen and video controls turning the cat-herding hassle of conferencing into a simple "Call > Hold > Add Call" procedure.
tPhone
You don't get away that easily, Jobs!
SCORING (DRAW):
tPhone: 4
iPhone: 1
Video Calling
iPhone
The iPhone 4 is all about the video calling, even appropriating the term "FaceTime" for the function, apparently unaware that "FaceTime" is only used by douchebag middle managers that no one ever wants to see, let alone talk to.
Also unaware of: video calling is the worst idea in the world -- unlike those in the above ad, most of us aren't paid models with a legion of airbrushers. Now you need to look human to answer the phone, you can't hide where you are, and it's very difficult to lie. We're not saying this is an apocalyptically bad idea, but it might be worth checking if Steve Jobs is really Cobra Commander trying to get everyone on the planet fired and broken up with.
tPhone
We've got your video calling right here!
Be honest, this looks more fun
Even better, if you make the effort to set up this "video function" you get rewarded by seeing the other person, instead of punished by revealing yourself. WARNING: May cause arrest.
SCORING (DRAW):
tPhone: 4
iPhone: 1
Long Distance Calls
iPhone
The iPhone can call people on the other side of the world, twelve million meters away.
tPhone
We made it about ten.
SCORING:
tPhone: 4
iPhone: 2
But now it's time to take the gloves off: it's time to prove you can install ANYTHING in a tPhone.
Please continue to Part 3: The NSFW Test!
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