The iPhone vs Tin Cans Experiment Part 3 [NSFW] A comedy article
by Luke McKinney 11,088 110 08/23/2010 12:40 PM 6672 views
We'll admit we've been a bit facetious with these tests to see if a tin can telephone can beat the iPhone 4 (read Part 1 here). Can a couple of disposable cups and a length of twine really compete with the most popular mobile computer in existence (read Part 2 here), especially in this age of the internet? That's why we're making it fair: this part will focus exclusively on electronic and online tests. Surely the iPhone will win!
Running Flash
Adobe Flash is at the heart of the internet's casual content.
iPhone
WHAT?
tPhone
The tPhone can't run Flash either, but in its defense, the tPhone is a pair of plastic cups.
SCORING (DRAW! REPEAT, THE IPHONE DRAWS WITH A DISPOSABLE PLASTIC CUP AT AN ESSENTIAL INTERNET-SURFING FUNCTION, THUS WE SHALL DEDUCT ONE POINT):
tPhone: 4
iPhone: 1
Battery Life
iPhone
The most recent OS update has apparently affected battery life ... in the same way being shot affects your running endurance.
tPhone
Dammit, no matter how fair we try to make these tests, the tPhone keeps coming out as Infinitely Good.
SCORING:
tPhone: 5
iPhone: 1
Installing Apps
This is the big one -- for many users, this is the iPhone's entire point. "There's an app for that."
iPhone
Apple executives have some funny ideas about what owning a phone means, assuming you're Apple and like to laugh at people paying hundreds of dollars to be told what they can't run on their own equipment. The iPhone's "walled garden" (which is a euphemism for "landscaped jail") has driven independent developers to quit over the insane app-proval process. So far Apple seems to automatically ban:
a) Anything sexual, because as we all know, sex is evil and not at all fun or healthy;
b) Anything other companies tell them to;
c) Anything else they want to.
tPhone
You can install anything you like into a tPhone, and if you don't believe me, believe Kink Engineer "Mad Scientist":
These are Necronomicox, nerd-flavored dildos guaranteed to terrify anybody in corporate PR and satisfy everyone else. Necronomicox are working with Kink Engineering because they're both awesome. These would give Apple's certification board heart-attacks. If you say "Coleridge" to someone who works for Apple, they're legally required to think you're a poultry farmer.
We installed the "Mythos" C'thuluColeridge, though we have to admit he doesn't look happy about it
On the upside: phone sex!
I don't know what he's saying to her, but then again, that's HIS ENTIRE DEAL
SCORING:
tPhone: 5 + SEX
iPhone: 1
Negative Reaction
Let's look at Google Trends for complaints about the iPhone, and complaints about our tPhone.
Note: numbers provided by number of search results for "ITEM sucks", rescaling from Google Trend's 1 and 0.
Almost a million people hate the iPhone 4, but nobody hates the tPhone!
SCORING:
tPhone: 6 + SEX
iPhone: 1
iPhone Home Field Advantage BONUS TEST:
Skins, Wallpapers and Branding
iPhone
The iPhone is extremely well known for being skinnable, despite the fact that paying fifteen dollars to finish building your own phone with an actual protective surface layer means you're the biggest mug since Giant Man stopped ordering large coffees.
tPhone
Entire new skins are only a buck, and you get free large coffee!
SCORING:
tPhone: 7 + SEX
iPhone: 1
Conclusion
Ladies and gentlemen, the tPhone is THE WINNER!
Now if you'll excuse us, we're working on ousting Apple from the music market as well.
Store
11,088 
110 
