Dancing With the Has-Beens and Never-Were's A comedy article
by Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42 08/31/2010 10:45 AM 602 views
The cast of the next season of Dancing with the Stars has been announced, and if you're nothing like me, you're just aquiver with excitement. Here they are:
1. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Okay, I have no idea who this is. Some kind of athlete or wrestler? Stupid nickname, great abs.
2. Bristol Palin. Star of what? Still, I'd hit it. She's like a Republican Monica Lewinski. I hope they don't make her dance so much that she sweats that nice layer of chubby off.
3. DAVID Frost-ing HASSELHOFF! There's only one man in Hollywood I respect more than the Hoff. (Scott Baio. Duh.)
4. Brandy. Here's a hint: if you're going to go with just one name, be as famous as Sting, Cher, Bono or Madonna, or at least make your name unique enough that there aren't three dogs in my neighborhood who share it with you. I do vaguely remember, now that I've seen her picture, that she had a sitcom and may have been a pop singer as well.
5. Kurt Warner. I'm stumped again. Was he the guy who replaced Dick Clark on American Bandstand? Perfect teeth, and I love the sport coat.
6. Jennifer Grey. First of all, shouldn't the star of Dirty Dancing be disqualified as a professional? Second, she has not aged well. In fact, I would never have even recognized her. Not that I wouldn't hit it. She has that "dirtiest mom in the PTA" look down pat.
7. Michael Bolton. Even when he wasn't pathetic (and had the hair), he was pathetic. He now looks older than me.
8. Margaret Cho. Very funny lady. Though I think the height of her popularity is behind her, she's still an active and successful stand up, and she looks better than ever (which is what we call damning with faint praise). Somehow I doubt she can dance worth Shakespeare.
9. Rick Fox. I have no idea who he is, but rawr! Looks like a latin Clooney.
10. Florence Henderson. Carol Brady! Once upon a time, I would have eaten her chicken fried in Wesson, if you know what I mean. Now, not so much.
11. Kyle Massey. Stumped again. He'll probably be the first one eliminated, because not only will no one know who he is, he's also the least likely fapping material of the twelve.
12. Audrina Partridge. Great, great looking girl whose name and face I recognize from the tabloid covers in the supermarket check-out line. And she makes me think bad thoughts. Still, I have no idea what she has done or why she's famous.
Okay, no one really qualifies as a star here, but I still think it's the greatest reality t.v. cast ever assembled. Kudos to the producers at whatever network it is that this plays on. Not that I'm going to watch it, but still.
Florence Henderson is awesome because everything I've ever read about her leads me to believe she's a dirty little whore. We're talking a three input woman.
Imagine, Ma Brady getting rug burns on her knees and elbows.
Not as dirty as Alice though, who not only got regular meat from Sam The Butcher but also knew that Tiger would eat peanut butter off of just about anything.
I'm with you, Whistler. Other than Carol Brady and The Hoff I hardly know who any of those people are. I think the first guy might be from that Jersey Shore show, which I keep hearing about yet have no idea what time or channel it's on, or who the hell even watches it.
Aaaw, yes. David Hasselhoff. The man can't manage to lift a burger successfully from the floor to his mouth but he can be trusted to lift and swing around a grown woman.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is a star of "Jersey Shore" .. that is, if you can call him a star, and Rick Fox was a pro basketball player for the Lakers, I know him from "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"
Those are the only 2 I could help with. My vote's for the Hoff.
Mike "The Situation" Swhatever was conceived some 20 odd years ago for the simple purpose of hitting the scene at the exact same time that the word "douchebage" reached it's peak of popularity. This is NOT a coincidence.
If the rumors are true that Henderson was bopping Greg Brady during the show's run then she is/was the master fantasy for many a young boy dreaming of an experienced older woman.
It amuses me that in every celebrity reality TV show nowadays, some of the contestants are people whose claim to fame is having been a contestant in a reality show as a non celebrity.
The sad thing is, these people probably put in their resumes that they are "professional actors for reality TV", but half of them don't even realize how much of a contradiction in terms that is.
The dancing dog is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, but when I think about the amount of time he must have spent teaching that to the dog, for the ultimate reward of performing with it in front of a small group of friends, the whole thing takes on a kind of creep undertone.
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