Disaster Movie, fittingly, is their one box-office flop, probably because most of this movie will burn your soul. The Alvin and the Chipmunks parody, which features some of the most pants-crappingly terrifying puppets ever created, ends with a pregnant woman getting ripped apart after mutilating a man's testicles and making no fewer than three ball jokes. Cutting away to the frightening puppet for EACH of them. It's like a Freddy movie with dead-eyed carpets making the wisecracks.



But that's not the worst part. The worst part is, right before this scene happens and for no explicable reason, the Enchanted princess they run into picks up a beer bottle and starts ... eating ... glass. It's not a reference. It's never explained, or justified. They just thought a woman eating glass, smiling while her mouth bleeds, and giggling the entire time, was funny. These movie opens a vortex of anti-comedy that threatens to swallow all that is truly funny.



Later, we get to see the princess's feet in the glass slippers ... which are shattered, and jab into her flesh in what has to be the single most horrific make-up effect. Seriously, good job, makeup department. Have a shot of Drano to celebrate. Bastards.

To cap it off, the movie, which apparently needed to fill some extra time, ends with an eight-minute musical number about how everybody in the cast is doing everybody else. Was it a send up of High School Musical, or just another random scene? No one cared. We just wanted the damn movie to finally be over.

Alcohol consumed: 30 beers, 10 mixed drinks, one pint of whiskey, one handle of coffee brandy.

Ratio of Disaster Movies Parodied to Non-Disaster Movies Parodied: 1:7. Yes. 1:7. Unless you define High School Musical as a disaster. Then ... it's still 1:7.



I attempt to comfort my friend


While others cried


The Conclusion

We all agreed, after watching those movies, that it was like going through a war. It's not just that these movies are bad; there are plenty of unfunny comedies. It's like these are written by people who have had their sense of humor surgically removed. The few times these guys try to delve into actual jokes, instead of just making a pop culture reference, it goes horribly wrong. These movies are a terrorist plot against Westerners. That's the only logical explanation.


The Aftermath

The following is not a joke. It is, in fact, deadly serious.

The night after watching these movies was one of the worst nights of my life. I had vaguely remembered nightmares about glass, chipmunks, and zombies. It was bad. I woke up several times, starting awake.

Then I woke up sick. As in, physically ill. I was covered in sweat, I had a fever, my entire body was aching. My girlfriend forced me to stay home, checking in with me to ensure that I wasn't dead. I was that sick. Sure, I'd consumed a huge amount of alcohol, but this wasn't a hangover. I've had hangovers. This, I'm convinced, was my body purging these movies from my very soul. Watching these four movies, and experiencing their hate for humanity, actually made me ill.

Before, I thought Seltzer and Friedberg were just unfunny, but now, I think they're evil. These movies simply can't be enjoyed, by anybody. Nobody is that stupid, that sociopathic, that soul-dead as to find these funny. They have to be doing something horrible to get those grosses, like laundering money for the child pornography and baby hearts Seltzer and Friedberg use to fuel their machine of pain and tears. They are Satan. And they must be stopped.



So I beg of you: drive their newest movie, Vampires Suck, from your theaters with torches and pitchforks. Get a priest to bless the doorway so it will burst into flames as the film passes through. If a theater attempts to show a print, steal it and destroy it. As a last resort, pull the fire alarm and once everybody is evacuated, burn the theater to the ground and salt the ashes.

If we stop these money-laundering atrocities in their tracks, Seltzer and Friedberg will weaken, and then we can send them back to their vile slime pits within Hell's worst sewage system. And maybe then, there will be peace in the world.

At least until Uwe Boll gets more funding.