Since the 1980's, people have wondered about Tom Cruise. Men are sure he likes men, women are sure he likes women, and interestingly enough it's for the same reason: he's just so darn cute!
I know what you're saying. "But Brad! He is all married with children, and likes to sue people for implying he is homosexual. He can't be a sausage farmer!" Well, gentle reader, some think that "Tom doth protest too much," while others agree that Katie wouldn't hitch her wagon to a rainbow colored stallion.
I have managed to remain neutral in this debate ... until now.
To finally put an end to this mystery, I have concocted a completely unbiased and meaningless experiment which will reveal the answer, like all true science, through metaphor. Using Tom Cruise's own body of work to act as his champion, I will launch arrows at them at high velocity, to determine if the movies reject the stiff shafts, or allow them to penetrate deep within.
It's just a gesture. You can't read anything into those fingers.
With an experiment as scientific as Scientology itself, I will singlehandedly find the truth about Tom's sexuality by answering the question: Can Tom Cruise Movies Stop a Flaming Arrow?
The Planning
To obtain this knowledge, I first needed to acquire a high-velocity bow and arrow -- the stronger the better -- for penetrating Tom's manly collection of films. Several of my friends offered up their arsenals to me in the interest of science, or whatever it is that I do, so I borrowed a powerful crossbow and a quiver of arrows. (Technically, crossbow munitions are called "bolts," but since they share the same characteristics of arrows, they will serve for the purposes of this experiment.)
If the Indians had had access to these, we'd all still be living in teepees
Next, I had to pick a movie format. Although DVDs and Blu-Rays provide a better picture quality, I feared their flimsiness might skew the results in favor of the arrow. To give Cruise the benefit of the doubt, I chose an older format: the VHS tape. As well as being thicker and denser, they are also stuffed with black material, much like Mr. Cruise (allegedly). VHS would be the perfect representation, since that's the era of all his better movies.
$0.99 each.
I felt this experiment wouldn't be complete without seeing how the movies reacted to a real flamer. I had a normal arrow lying around, and due to its length and girth, it would be perfect for holding a flaming head away from the shaft of the crossbow. I would use an old sock, and a couple of stretched-out hair ties, to fasten it firmly onto the shaft. I would then soak the sock in lamp oil until it was thoroughly lubricated, then light it aflame.
To further even the odds, I chose ten of Tom's best movies to stand in his place.
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Risky Business
The scene where Tom dances around in his socks and tighty whities not only made him a household name, but also spawned a thousand fantasies by gay men.
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Top Gun
The volleyball scene may have made many a young man question his sexuality, but at least there was no innuendo in the call signs "Goose" and "Maverick."
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Mission: Impossible
This movie had big, exciting, heterosexual-style explosions. Argues in favor of straightness.
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Interview With the Vampire
Not exactly manly, but at least these vampires didn't sparkle.
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Rain Man
JUST BECAUSE IT HAS "MAN" IN THE TITLE DOES NOT MEAN HE'S GAY. I can't believe anyone would even suggest this.
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A Few Good Men
Okay, so it's also the name of a gay porn film. Could be coincidence.
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Cocktail
The only way this title could be more gay is if it were hyphenated.
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Days of Thunder
Racing muscle cars with other men ... all right, I'm running out of excuses here.
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The Firm
This is getting embarrassing.
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Jerry Maguire
You had me at "stiff shafts."
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The Preparation
This was far easier than my usual experiments. I didn't have to build protective bunkers, put on safety gear, or even update my will. All I had to do was pick a spot to put the movies, set up the cameras and start shooting. I'll bet this is the lowest budget film shoot that Tom has ever been a part of.
I decided that my backyard would be the perfect location for this experiment, due to its proximity to the water hose. Safety is always my number one priority, and I did not want to start another forest fire right next to the house. My wife really hates that.
Buttons can't wait for the results
To keep from losing any arrows, I set the movies in front of a foam archery target. This would stop the arrows while still leaving them undamaged for the next shot. If I broke a shaft, I wanted it to be inside Tom's movie.
Would you like a cigarette?
With everything in place, I put my flaming arrow in the oil to soak, and started the cameras rolling.
Please continue to Part 2: The Experiment!
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