Can Tom Cruise Movies Stop a Flaming Arrow? Part 2 A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 09/17/2010 11:29 AM 7663 views
I was attempting to find out whether Tom Cruise is straight or gay by firing a flaming arrow into a stack of his movies [read Part 1 here]. If the shaft fully penetrated the tapes, we could scientifically conclude he is a kielbasa king. If the movies remained intact, so would his reputation.
The Experiment
Each arrow penetrated a little deeper into the stack, wearing down the layers of defense, much like a powerful movie producer might do to an aspiring young actor.
Double penetration.
No matter how many arrows were fired, they would not push past the seventh movie: Days of Thunder.
"Don't freak out, but I think it's stuck"
Surprisingly, when I put Cocktail on top, it broke the shaft and the broadhead while rejecting penetration entirely!
Broken arrow.
The Flaming Arrow
While the burning sock was a stroke of brilliance, it did not quite work as planned.
Probably the coolest photo I will ever be a part of ... and the sweatiest
When I pulled the trigger, the weight of the payload held it in place, as the shaft ripped through the end of the sock. That's embarrassing in any situation. The sock rolled down the hill, burning with fury, but the flamer stayed away from Tom's movies.
Sunny with a chance of brimstone
The weather was 101 degrees, I was tired, and I had no more +1 fire arrows. So I did what any self-respecting mad pseudoscientist would do: I kicked that wad of burning man-love into the movies, and knocked them down on top of it.
If you can't beat 'em, burn 'em
Conclusion
We determined that Tom Cruise's movies can indeed stop an arrow, and in so doing have defended his reputation as a real ladies' man. We have also learned that the acceleration produced by a modern crossbow far exceeds the stress tolerances of a used sock. I also learned that I won't be using a crossbow for any more experiments -- it's just too tiring to keep Coleridgeing it.
Lastly, we learned that if Tom spurns man-love like his films spurn hot projectile action, then Tom Cruise is as straight as the shaft of an arrow.
To summarize: TOM CRUISE IS STRAIGHT. CASE CLOSED.
I learned something today, Brad. For a man who makes a ton of money per film, he made some awful movies. So gay or not, there must be a lot of gay guys going to those movies, hoping to see Tom dance once again in his undies.
I seriously have a problem with ANYBODY'S mental capacity if they strike this pose and think they look cool...
It is frightening to small children...and it was one of the last things Oprah Winfrey saw before the Cruise Zombie got her...
RRRAAAAAAARRRRRGH!
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