Holy War: Which Religious Book Will Stop a Bullet?
A comedy article
by Brad Poynter  36,184  48
10/14/2010 10:31 PM 12675 views
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Religion. It provides solace to the downtrodden, gives guidance on how to be a better person, and every now and then it starts a war.
In these battles -- and even those started over secular matters, like soccer riots -- the soldiers bring their religions to the battlefield for protection and comfort. They know it can save their soul, but can it save their ass? Put another way, if you're in a holy war, which religion would offer you the best protection?
Since I could not bring in soldiers of different faiths and shoot them (I doubt many would turn the other cheek), I needed to find a reasonable, unarmed substitute. With the deities themselves unavailable to participate, I decided the next best thing was the holy books used by these religions.
The books set a good example by not fighting
Now I know this may be considered sacrilege by many people of faith, but I don't think any of these deities really care about the books that man has made to convey their messages. Personally, I think they're more concerned about the people being shot over the words in these texts, more than any bullets fired at the texts themselves, so I am going to go out on a limb and believe they are behind me in this. I guess I'll find out for sure during the next lightning storm.
Please keep in mind that this experiment is not coming from a place of hatred or fear, but from a deep desire for knowledge and understanding. I have nothing but respect for peaceful people of all faiths, except maybe Scientologists.
I next had to choose which religions would be tested to determine their anti-ballistic capabilities. Of course, you can't think of Holy Wars without thinking of Christianity and Islam, so they were obvious choices, as well as their baby daddy, Judaism. The Hindus have also had their fair share of religious spats, so they were in as well. To balance those out, I chose the tree-hugging hippie of the holy world, Buddhism, and the absence of divine belief, Atheism.
Christianity
The Holy Bible
Islam
The Qur'an
Judaism
The Torah
Hinduism
The Vedas
Buddhism
The Buddhist Bible
Atheism
Having no set text, Athiesm was represented by the free flowing gases present in our atmosphere
For firearms, I chose my trusty AK-47 clone, and an AR-15, which is a semi-automatic version of the classic M-16. I promised myself that if any of these volumes came out of this without a scratch, I would convert to that religion immediately.
Guns n' Moses
The location I chose was my usual laboratory, the field beside my house. Since this was the site of turkey and fruitcake massacres, exploding microwaves, and the destruction of the entire Twilight saga, it would be perfect for sacrilege as well.
The Lab
With my subjects and equipment chosen, it was time to incite the wrath of several Gods, their followers, and possibly the entire world.
Please continue to Part 2: The Experiment Begins!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
21 votes
4.7
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.6
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Johnny Plankton 4,102  27
10/14/2010 10:58 PM
What no Tao? Oh that's right, that couldn't stop a BB from a half-decent Daisy air rifle.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Overly Hormonal Shell 77,143 25
10/15/2010 08:31 AM
You insensitive bastard! How could you do this?
Just kidding. It's great.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
10/15/2010 11:00 AM
Guns n' Moses
Nice.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
10/18/2010 10:38 AM
Shemp Boat Captain: In the article you linked they were using a shot gun. Despite there being a larger charge behind them, the force is divided between all the individual pellets and much of the blast goes around them out the end of the barrel so the muzzle velocity is greatly reduced. A .357 would be sufficient, but a Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle would be better. hint hint
J.Plank: Sorry man, I just couldn't come up with a good YinYang joke.
Musical Crustacean Armor: I can do this because of the protections granted under the First and Second Amendments to the constitution and because I don't have much sense.
Hip Handed Canine: That worked better than Bullets n' Buddha or Munitions n' Muhammad.
Thanks for the great comments!
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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TableTopJane 173,958 15
10/18/2010 10:52 AM
Brad, have you ever been karmically bitch-slapped by a six-armed goddess?
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Evil Shell 77,143 25
10/18/2010 11:15 AM
Musical Crustacean Armor:
Is that supposed to be me? Crustacean? Hmmph! Even though you can't see it, I am giving you a dirty look right now.
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Side-splitting
4 votes
5.0
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
10/20/2010 03:19 PM
My wife just got a call from a guy with a thick accent who asked if I was the Brad Poynter who shot the Qur'an, and she told him I was. He asked when I would be home and she told him so he is going to call back!
It's probably Al Jazeera setting up an interview! I am stoked!
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