Holy War: Which Religious Book Will Stop a Bullet? Part 2 A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 10/14/2010 10:32 PM 8499 views
My question was simple: in a holy war, which religion would protect you best? [Read Part 1 here.] I was about to find out.
Experiment #1: Hinduism
First to be tested was the Vedas. Hindus really don't care what you do to inanimate objects, so unless I shot a cow, they wouldn't put a price on my head.
I think that chick pulled some Matrix moves on me
That's not a Hindu, that's a Hindon't
The bullet passed through easily and entered Nirvana, awaiting its next cycle of rebirth as a mailbox.
Experiment #2: Buddhism
The Buddhist Bible was next, and since they do not believe in a single god that created the universe, that's one less deity to be angry with me.
The bullet entered and exited the book as if neither of their physical forms really existed, and immediately became one with the logs in the brush pile.
Experiment #3: Judaism
Next up was the Torah, which I obtained for half price through skillful negotiations.
I guess now there are only four books of Moses
Oy vey!
The 7.62mm round went through it without pause, and was last seen asking for directions to Queens.
Experiment #4: Islam
The Qur'an followed, and due to the fact that it is the most likely to get me shot, I will not be saying that the bullet went through it like a Jihadist through high-bosomed virgins in the afterlife.
I've eaten enough bacon in my life that I was already in trouble with Allah
Note the word "Muhammad" is still intact!
However, the .223 caliber round did almost remove the apostrophe, as it tore all the way through the suras and ayats and exited out the back.
Experiment #5: Christianity
Now it was time for the Bible. Since good Christians will just pray for me when they see this, I should only have to worry about the bad ones picketing my house.
I refused to believe it...
...until I put my fingers through the holes
The shot only grazed the book, and following the teachings of Jesus it turned the other cheek (i.e., I shot it again). Both bullets pierced all the way through, like nails in ... I'm not even going to finish that.
Experiment #6: Athiesm
Lastly, it was Atheism's turn, and with their belief system based in disbelief, I am sure they won't believe I did this in the first place, so they shouldn't be mad. Besides, I am just shooting at the atmosphere anyway, not On the Origin of Species.
You can see the hole if you look hard enough
Of course the bullet passed through the air just like it was air, and came out knowing that its existence didn't matter anyway.
Conclusion
The purpose of this experiment was to determine which religion would protect you better in a holy war. But as with all my experiments, I learned other things as well. I discovered that I am pulling to the left when I shoot, so I really need to get in some more target practice. I also learned that being struck by lightning does not give you superpowers, but does make a pretty awesome hairdo.
Most importantly, we learned that religion can't stop a bullet, unless it keeps it from being fired in the first place.
I'm not so sure.
Brad seems like a pretty sharp guy so I'm guessing that this is just an elaborate trap for the crazies and he does have plenty of guns and woods to dispose of any "problems."
But just to be on the safe side, maybe John should setup a fund for Brad's kids.
1: It's not sacrilegious. It's sacrilicious.
2: If all of the religions of the world would band together, would they be able to stave off an attack from an Arkansas lunatic?
3: What happens in the Vedas stays in the Vedas.
I think you might have been able to stop a bullet if instead of the Vedas (100 or so page) you had used the Hindu Mahabharata (more than 7,000 pages).
"But the Mahabharata contains a lot of epic narrative neem-neem-neem-neem"
[sound of typical nerd quibbling)
Well, it also contains the sacred Bhagavad Gita, Damayanti, Ramayana, and the Rishyasringa.
But, as is usual, the Hindus get short shrift because:
a) they have multiple gods
b) their books are complicated, not just cookbooks that tell you "do this, don't do that."
c) they are often confused with Hare Krishnas, one branch of Hinduism promoted by the followers of one dude who hassle you in airports and on street corners.
You forgot a couple, the scientology book mentioned, but even a more hardcore die hard fan worshipers book, the Apple end users license agreement/user manual. Althought that one might get you a letter from a lawyer to take down the video, and probably have more people hate you than the others.
You forgot a couple, the scientology book mentioned
No, he covered the atheists.
I dont think that atheists and scientologists are the same. Atheists dont believe in a supreme being/creator. Scientologists on the other hand believe in something. What they believe in, I dont know, they are just completely f'ing insane.
I promised myself that if any of these volumes came out of this without a scratch, I would convert to that religion immediately.
I have to speak for my people and point out that there was no damage to the atheist nothing.
I also have to say that Scientology is no crazier than Hinduism. Or anything else for that matter. There's just as much evidence that we have alien earworms as there is that our ancestors have turned into cows or that we have guardian angels. And I find Tom Cruise far less nutty than James Dobson.
The Sound of One Foot Clapping: Blasphemy is all fun and games until someone gets crucified.
Replacement Stooge: I am not crazy! I am sanity challenged.
Tiny Aquatic Plant: Aww, that's too bad. I let my neighbors borrow my guns.
Purveyor of Sweets and Insanity: I'll let them Jihad me if they split their virgins with me in the afterlife.
Random Number Generator: Scientology is no laughing matter. There are spirits of alien beings that cause all the bad things in the world and only John Travolta's dance moves can save us!
One Who Comes When the Lamp is Rubbed: If there are any effigies of me, I hope they get the hair right.
Britches: Shhh! Be cool. It's zealot season.
Ovary Harmonica Shawl: Little known fact; getting struck by lightning turns you into a gay 80's pop star.
Alien Pickle Fairy: Thanks! I also do children's parties.
Brotherhood of Small Fruit:
1. As long as it's not sacroiliac, it's cool.
2. Yes but only if they distract me with boobies.
3. I see what you did there!
Deity of Double First Names: Does your religion have a text? I ask for no reason.
Dr. Legume Paste: I'm glad you liked it! Did the lycanthropy ever wear off?
Doberman Karate: and cold too!
Oriental Bear Molester: Depending on the gender of the Jihader, that could either be the best or the worst way to go.
Dinosaur In My Yard: Remember the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not worship false Jobs.
Purveyor of Canned Meat Products: I only covered the atheists so Shiva could move to a better firing position, and yes you are probably on many lists.
Burmasaur: Atheists and Scientologists are similar in that neither believes in a divine creational force, and both are usually more zealoty in their beliefs than followers of other religions. One difference is that Atheists do not like it when Atheism is called a religion, and Scientologists want to be classified as a religion, mainly for tax purposes.
Little Persons: I posted that Twilight article on several fan sites and was compaired to the people that burn books for censorship. I posted this on several religious forums and so far the worst has been; LOL ur goin 2 hellz! Srsly.
You Again: I can't burn them and hang them on my wall as trophies so that isn't going to happen.
Myswell Fifer: I am sorry to say that several air molecules were damaged by the bullet, so I will not be converting. Besides I know that I don't know everything so I would never say that there cannot be a higher power responsible for everything.
I find it more improbable that our planet; is in the perfect place in orbit around the sun, has a single moon that stabilizes our tilt and rotation, has a giant planet whose immense gravity sweeps the junk out of our galaxy, and has a built in magnetic field that shields us from harmful cosmic rays, without something setting it all up in the first place. I am skeptical of skeptics.
SpreadsheetHeaderJane: I don't know what for, but you are welcome.
Three days of not visiting ZUG, posting on Facebook or any of my usual haunts in an attempt to fake my own disappearance all shot to hell because I forgot to check who the IP of the remote server I posted from was registered to.
Of course anyone who got the IP from the previous post could do an ARIN search and see that it came from my town in Arkansas so I figured I may as well fess up.
So please delete the above user (if it's still the one claiming responsibility or Popinator) and punish me for creating another account.
Oh and John if you get an email from the local Sheriff you can disregard it.
Of course anyone who got the IP from the previous post could do an ARIN search and see that it came from my town in Arkansas so I figured I may as well fess up.
That sounded just like the adult voices in the Peanuts cartoons to me.
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